THE  DIDDLER. 


BY  A.    E.    SENTER. 


"  Never  you  fear  that,  mun.    I  wasn't  born  two  hundred  miles  north  of  Lunnnn,  to  be 
done  by  Mr.  Diddler,  I  know." — Kenny't  Farce  of  '•  Raiting  the  ffmd." 


NEW    YORK: 
M.    DOOLADY,    PUBLISHER, 

448    BROOME    STREET. 
1868. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1868,  by 
A.   E.   SENTER, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  U.  S.  for  the  Southern  District  of 
New  York. 


JOHN  J.  RHHD,  PRINTER  AND  STERHOTYPHR, 
43  Ceutre  Street,  New  York. 


DEDICATION, 


THE    LADIES   AND   GENTLEMEN, 
MERCHANTS,    BUSINESS   MEN,   MECHANICS   AND   LABORERS, 

HUSBANDS   AND   WIVES, 

CITIZENS   OF  THE   UNITED   STATES   AND 

PEOPLE     OF    THE     WORLD, 

GREETING  : 

To  be  posted  and  warned  of  the  wiles  of  the  DIDDLEKS  of  onr 
race,  may  Gave  one  from  becoming  their  dupe,  and,  perhaps,  from 
ruin. 

"Where  no  counsel  is,  the  people  fall:  but  in  the  multitude  of  counsellors 
there  is  safety."— P EOT.  xi.  14. 

"  A  word  to  the  wise  is  sufficient ;"  and  to  all  others  these  pages 

are  submitted. 

By  your  humble  servant, 

A.  E.  S. 


2072728 


NOTICE. 


WE  would  invite  the  attention  of  the  reader  to 
FAKCE  OF  RAISING  THE  "Wixo,"  at  the  end  of  this  volume.  He 
will  then  be,  if  he  is  not  already,  familiar  with  Mr.  DIDDLER,  and 
perhaps  better  appreciate  the  main  feature  of  this  work. 


PREFACE. 


DIDDLING    CONSIDERED    AS    ONE    OF    THE    EXACT    SCIENCES.* 

"  Hey,  diddle  diddle, 
The  cat  and  the  fiddle." 

SINCE  the  world  began  there  have  been  two  Jeremys.  The 
one  wrote  a  Jeremiad  about  usury,  and  was  called  Jeretny  Ben- 
tham.  He  has  been  much  admired  by  Sir.  John  Nea.1,  and  was 
a  great  man  in  a  small  way.  The  other  gave  name  to  the  most 
important  of  the  Exact  Sciences,  and  was  a  great  man  in  a 
great  way — I  may  say,  indeed,  in  the  very  greatest  of  ways. 

Diddling — or  the  abstract  idea  conveyed  by  the  verb  to 
diddle — is  sufficiently  well  understood.  Yet  the  fact,  the  deed, 
the  thing  diddling,  is  somewhat  difficult  to  define.  We  may  get, 
however,  at  a  tolerably  distinct  conception  of  the  matter  in 
hand,  by  defining — not  the  thing,  diddling,  in  itself — but  man, 
as  an  animal  that  diddles.  Had  Plato  but  hit  upon  this,  he 
would  have  been  spared  the  affront  of  the  picked  chicken. 

Very  pertinently  it  was  demanded  of  Plato,  why  a  picked 
chicken,  which  was  clearly  a  "  biped  without  feathers,"  was  not, 
according  to  his  own  definition,  a  man  ?  But  I  am  not  to  be 
bothered  by  any  similar  query.  Man  is  an  animal  that  diddles, 
and  there  is  no  animal  that  diddles  but  man.  It  will  take  an 
entire  hen-coop  of  picked  chickens  to  get  over  that. 

*  We  are  indebted  to  the  unknown  author  of  this  preface  and  other  articles 
from  his  pen.  May  his  shadow  never  grow  less,  and  never  be  diddled  worse. 

1* 


X  PREFACE. 

What  constitutes  the  essence,  the  nare,  the  principle  of  did- 
dling is,  in  fact,  peculiar  to  the  class  of  creatures  that  wear  coats 
and  pantaloons.  A  crow  thieves  ;  a  fox  cheats  ;  a  weasel  out- 
wits ;  a  man  diddles.  To  diddle  is  his  destiny.  "  Man  was  made 
to  mourn,"  says  the  poet.  But  not  so  :  he  was  made  to  diddle. 
This  is  his  aim — his  object — his  end.  And  for  this  reason,  when 
a  man's  diddled  we  say  he's  "  done." 

Diddling,  rightly  considered,  is  a  compound,  of  which  the 
ingredients  are  minuteness,  interest,  perseverance,  ingenuity, 
audacity,  nonchalance,  originality,  impertinence,  and  grin. 

Minuteness:  Your  diddler  is  minute.  His  operations  are 
upon  a  small  scale.  His  business  is  retail,  for  cash,  or  approved 
paper  at  sight.  Should  he  ever  be  tempted  into  magnificent 
speculation,  he  then,  at  once,  loses  his  distinctive  features,  and 
becomes  what  we  term  "  financier."  This  latter  word  conveys 
the  diddling  idea  in  every  respect,  except  that  of  magnitude.  A 
diddler  may  thus  be  regarded  as  a  banker  in  petto — a  "  financial 
operation,"  as  a  diddle  at  Bobdignag.  The  one  is  to  the  other 
as  Homer  to  "  Flaccus" — as  Mastodon  to  a  mouse — as  the  tail 
of  a  comet  to  that  of  a  pig. 

Interest :  Your  diddler  is  guided  by  self-interest.  He  scorns 
to  diddle  for  the  mere  sake  of  the  diddle.  He  has  an  object  in 
view — his  pocket — and  yours.  He  regards  always  the  main 
chance.  He  looks  to  Number  One.  You  are  Number  Two,  and 
must  look  to  yourself. 

Perseverance:  Your  diddler  perseveres.  He  is  not  readily 
discouraged.  Should  even  the  banks  break,  he  cares  nothing 
about  it.  He  steadily  pursues  his  end,  and 

Ut  canis  a  carlo  nunquam  absferrebitur  oncto, 
so  he  never  lets  go  off  his  game. 


PREFACE.  XI 

Ingenuity :  Your  diddler  is  ingenious.  He  has  constructive- 
ness  large.  He  understands  plot.  He  invents  and  circumvents. 
Were  he  not  Alexander,  he  would  be  Diogenes.  Were  he  not  a 
diddler,  he  would  be  a  maker  of  patent  rat-traps  or  an  angler 
for  trout. 

Audacity:  Your  diddler  is  audacious.  He  is  a  bold  man. 
He  carries  the  war  into  Africa.  He  conquers  all  by  assault. 
He  would  not  fear  the  daggers  of  the  Frey  Herren.  With  a 
little  more  prudence,  Dick  Turpin  would  have  made  a  good  did- 
dler ;  with  a  trifle  less  blarney,  Daniel  O'Connell ;  with  a  pound 
or  two  more  brains,  Charles  XII. 

Nonchalance :  Your  diddler  is  nonchalant.  He  is  not  at  all 
nervous.  He  is  never  put  out — unless  put  out  of  doors.  He  is 
cool — cool  as  a  cucumber.  He  is  calm — "  calm  as  a  smile  from 
Lady  Bury."  He  is  easy — easy  as  an  old  glove,  or  the  damsels 
of  ancient  Baias. 

Originality :  Your  diddler  is  original — conscientiously  so.  His 
thoughts  are  his  own.  He  would  scorn  to  employ  those  of 
another.  A  stale  trick  is  his  aversion.  He  would  return  a 
purse,  I  am  sure,  upon  discovering  that  he  had  obtained  it  by  an 
unoriginal  diddle. 

Impertinence :  Your  diddler  is  impertinent.  He  swaggers. 
He  sets  his  arms  a-kimbo.  He  thrusts  his  hands  in  his  trowsers' 
pockets.  He  sneers  in  your  face.  He  treads  on  your  corns. 
lie  eats  your  dinner  ;  he  drinks  your  wine  ;  he  borrows  your 
money  ;  he  pulls  your  nose  ;  he  kicks  your  poodle,  and  he  kisses 
your  wife. 

Grin :  Your  true  diddler  winds  up  all  with  a  grin.  But  this 
nobody  sees  but  himself.  He  grins  when  his  daily  work  is  done — 
when  his  allotted  labors  are  accomplished — at  night  in  his  own 


Xll  PKEFACE. 

closet,  and  altogether  for  his  own  private  entertainment.  He 
goes  home.  He  locks  his  door.  He  divests  himself  of  his 
clothes.  He  puts  out  his  candle.  He  gets  into  bed.  He  places 
his  head  upon  the  pillow.  All  this  done,  and  your  diddler  grins. 
There  is  no  hypothesis.  It  is  a  matter  of  course.  I  reason  a  pri- 
ori, and  a  diddle  would  be  no  diddle  without  a  grin. 

The  origin  of  the  diddle  is  referable  to  the  infancy  of  the 
human  race.  Perhaps  the  first  diddler  was  Adam.  At  all 
events,  we  can  trace  the  science  back  to  a  very  remote  period  of 
antiquity.  The  moderns,  however,  have  brought  it  to  a  perfec- 
tion never  dreamed  of  by  our  thick-headed  progenitors. 


THE    DIDDLER. 


HOW  PHIL  HALOON  RAISED  THE  WIND. 

"  There  were  at  this  muster  one  hundred  at  least, 
Who  were  tipsy,  or  corned,  or  drunk  as  a  beast ; 
There  was  old  Kodney  Hubbard  and  more  I  could  name, 
Who  were  ditto — yes,  ditto — for  ditto's  the  same." 

YEARS  ago,  when  the  renowned  muster  days  in  New 
Hampshire — when  men  could  get  brutally  intoxicated 
on  five  cents'  worth  of  New  England  rum,  and  when 
heavy  blows  and  sad  discouragements  were  heaped 
upon  the  traffic  in  this  beverage,  there  lived  in  the  town 
of  Ossipee,  a  man  by  the  name  of  Philip  Maloon,  with 
an  item  or  two  in  whose  history  we  have  something 
to  do. 

We  live  in  comparatively  moral  times  contrasted 
with  those  of  1851.  It  was  then  a  law  was  passed,  de- 
claring the  glorious  truth,  that  "men  are  born  free  and 
equal  "  a  nullity  ;  for  the  unfortunate  wight  who  hap- 
pened to  have  a  tinge — even  the  slightest — of  Ethiopian 
blood  in  his  veins,  by  that  law  was  placed  upon  a  level 
with  the  cattle  and  horses  which  might  be  taken  to 
market  and  sold  for  a  price.  Upon  the  then  existing 
state  of  things  is  the  following  story  founded. 


14  THE    DIDDLKR. 

It  was  muster  day  at  Ossipee.  and  Phil  Maloon  was 
there.  If  there  was  one  thins:  above  another  that  he 

o 

religiously  hated,  that  tiling  was  work.  He  thoroughly 
detested  that  plebeian  necessity.  Running  on  errands, 
fishing,  hunting,  anything  savoring  of  independent  plea- 
sure reconciled  itself  to  Phil's  mind  ;  but  working  !  that 
was  a  matter  he  could  never  bend  his  mind  or  hie  back 
to.  Independent  poverty  was  his  primary  character- 
istic. True,  some  associated  him  with  the  final  depar- 
ture of  certain  sheep  and  fowls  from  his  locality,  no 
track  whereof  had  been  left ;  but  then,  even  as  now, 
there  were  detractors  in  the  world.  Phil's  ragged  garb, 
the  people  also  said,  bespoke  him  as  being  of  the  non- 
respectables  (and  truth  to  say,  he  was  a  very  scarecrow 
in  that  respect) ;  but  it  was  also  then  as  it  is  now,  a 
patent  fact  that  a  glossy  coat  often  covered  the  back  of 
the  greatest  rogue.  In  one  respect,  he  was  superior  to 
a  majority  on  the  muster  field  ;  lie  was  the  stoutest  and 
among  the  bravest  there.  His  thirst  corresponded  with 
his  strength  and  valor;  and  but  for  the  want  of  ten 
cents,  a  quart  of  new  rum  and  he  would  have  been 
bosom  friends  that  same  morning. 

It  was  with  mingled  feelings  of  hope  and  despair  that 
Phil  threaded  the  crowd  assembled  at  Ossipee  during 
the  early  hours.  No  hand-shaking  of  his,  no  implied 
promise  of  future  service,  no  coaxing,  begging,  implor- 
ing, praying,  were,  singly  or  collectively,  productive  of 
ten,  five,  or  three  cents  in  the  way  of  a  loan  ;  he  wit- 
nessed, with  lacerated  appetite,  old  and  young  among 
his  acquaintances,  getting  gradually  drunk,  as  the 
poet  sings : 

"  glorious, 

O'er  a!l  the  ill*  of  lif^  victorious." 

• 


THE    DIDDLEB.  15 

And  not  one  single  drop  had  warmed  his  gullet,  or 
threatened  even  to  pass  that  capacious  cavity.  "What 
was  to  be  clone  ?  "Necessitas  non  halet  legem"  thought 
Phil  ;  but  his  mind  dictated  the  idea  in  pure  Yankee 
English.  While  cogitating  as  deep  as  a  mine,  he  ran 
across  old  Rodney  Hubbard ;  they  condoled  with  each 
other,  smoked  the  mutual  duddheen,  Irish  calumet,  or 
abbreviated  clay  pipe,  with  fraternal  gusto ;  but  the 
great  question  of  "  raising  the  wind  "  remained  insolu- 
ble. Phil's  wrath  arose  because  of  failure. 

"  Talk  of  a  free  country  !"  he  said,  "  what  are  free- 
dom ?  Where  are  the  uses  of  free  institootions,  schools 
an'  town  meetiu's,  besides  banks  and  lunatic  'sylums,  if 
a  feller  hain't  got  a  dime  in  his  pocket  ?  Them's  the 
nuts  I  should  like  our  legislators  to  crack !  Who  are 
the  freemen  of  this  great  and  flourishing  United  States 
that  is  free  and  ekal  with  nary  a  red  cent  in  his  fob, 
or  any  bills  or  loose  change  about  him?  I  would  just 
like  to  know  that,  Rodney.  I  would  just  put  it  to  any 
reasonable  man  whether  or  no  a  feller's  to  be  taken  or  not 
to  be  taken  at  his  word  when  he  promises  a  day's  work 
— the  money  down  in  advance.  I  say  it's  a  rotten  state 
of  things  as  says  he  shan't,  and  he  not  have  a  dime  in 
his  wallet ;  and  a  man'd  better  be  a  nigger  slave  in  Vir- 
ginny  or  Churubnsco  as  have  the  name  of  a  free  citizen, 
when  he  ain't  nothing  of  the  sort !  Them  is  my  declared 
sentiments  on  this  here  interesting  occasion — darn'd  if 
they  isn't  1" 

Rodney  coincided  ;  he  was  too  thirsty  and  chop-fallen 
to  hazard  his  voice  in  more  than  simple  assent.  Both 
then  lay  down  on  the  sward  in  solemn  cogitation. 

At  last  Rodney,  put  of  the  fulness  of  his  heart,  spoke 
as  follows : — 


16  THE     DIDDLER. 

"  Phil,  are  you  willing  to  become  a  real  teetotal,  bona 
fyde  nigger  and  no  mistake,  jist  for  the  matter  of  two 
hours  or  so  ?" 

"  For  a  life-time, — until  the  last  Sunday-bell  tolls  itd 
last  lick,  rather  than  suffer  under  these  here  institootions 
we  see  off  there,"  said  Phil,  pointing  toward  the  crowd 
at  a  distance. 

"  Look  at  Squire  Rundletfc ;  just  see  how  he  enjoys  him- 
self in  the  most  blessedest,  highest,  j oiliest  state  in  all 
creation,  and  me  laying  here  like  a  darned  son  of  a  — 
I  don't  know  what.  Who  wouldn't  rather  be  a  nigger, 
as  me? 

"Answer  me,  ye  shades  of  Gineral  Washington, 
Bonnyparty,  and  old  Rough  and  Ready,  as  ye  look 
down  from  your  spears  and  see  me — me,  Phil  Malone, 
with  nary  a  darned  cent  to  bless  me  in  giving  away  in 
charity.  RTo  ;  any  one  may  dance  the  break-down  horn- 
pipe in  any  of  my  pockets,  and  not  break  his  shins  over 
one  red  coin.  I'd  rather  go  the  nigger  dodge  ten  thou- 
sand times,  as  stand  this  state  of  things;  yes-sir-ee ! 
It's  ongodly  ;  it's  onhuman  ;  it's  onconstitutional :  it's — 
it's — I  say  it's — by  Jehosaphat,  I  say  it's  agin  the  law — 
darn'd  if  it  ain't !  Nigger  is  men  and  is  cared  for  as 
men,  and  I  isn't.  That's  the  differ  ;  and  who  wouldn't 
rather  be  a  nigger  as  me  ?  A  nigger  for  two  hours ! 
Let  me  be  forever  hereafter  as  black  as  the  ace  of 
spades.  Them's  'em." 

*  *  *  #  *  * 

About  an  hour  after  this  conversation,  Rodney  Hub- 
bard  and  a  certain  United  States  Marshal  might  have 
been  seen  penetrating  the  woods  about  a  mile  from 
Ossipee ;  and,  on  their  arriving  at  a  certain  point,  creep- 
ing on  hands  and  knees  towards  a  clump  of  thick  brush, 


THE    D1DDLER.  17 

in  the  centre  of  which  lay,  snugly  wrapped  up  in  a 
horse  blanket  (his  face  beautifully  embrowned  by  the 
j  nice  of  alder  bark),  our  excellent  friend  Phil.  A  better 
specimen  of  a  fugitive  slave  could  not  have  been  manu- 
factured /  and  Rodney  Hubbard's  information  pro- 
mised the  U.  S.  official  good  interest  for  a  five  dollar 
investment  in  that  article  of  enlightenment. 

All  unexpectedly  the  pro  tempore  mulatto  was  seized 
and  bound  ;  and  in  a  few  minutes  afterwards  he  was  on 
his  way  to  the  Court  House  at  Ossipee ;  but  Rodney 
had  to  be  bribed  with  a  three  dollar  bill  as  part  of  his 
promised  reward  ere  he  would  lend  his  hand  as  co-cus- 
todian of  the  runaway  slave.  On  the  party's  reaching 
the  Court  House,  Rodney  was  soon  nowhere,  and  Phil 
was  thirsting  after  the  denouement. 

Another  hour  afterwards  and  an  individual  looking 
like  the  U.  S.  Deputy  Marshal,  in  a  towering  passion, 
might  have  been  seen  leaving  the  same  Court  House 
followed  by  Phil,  who  waxed  loud  in  favor  of  free  in- 
stitootions,  and  the  protection  they  offered  to  personal 
liberty  against  false  imprisonments,  etc.  It  took  at 
least  a  couple  of  dollars  to  shut  Phil's  mouth  on  that 
occasion — but  shut  it  was  at  last. 

Another  hour  afterwards,  and  the  spot  in  the  woods 
where  the  capture  took  place  was  vocal  with  the  mirth 
of  Phil  and  Rodney.  They  enjoyed  themselves ;  for  a 
demijohn  of  new  rum  stood  (now  and  then)  between 
them,  as  they  drank  the  health  of  the  Deputy  : 

"  Here's  a  health  to  the  '  Dep,'  may  his  belly  grow  wide, 
And  always  have  lots  of  good  liquor  inside, 
May  it,  stick  out  each  side,  and  stick  out  before, 
Till  he  never  can  see  his  old  legs  any  more." 


18  THE     DIDDLF.B. 


AN  ELABORATE  DIDDLER. 

A  MIDDLE  aged  gentleman  arrives  in  town  from  parts 
unknown.  He  is  remarkably  precise,  cautions,  staid, 
and  deliberate  in  his  demeanor.  His  dress  is  scrupu- 
lously neat,  but  plain,  unostentatious.  He  wears  a 
white  cravat,  an  ample  waistcoat,  made  with  an  eye  to 
comfort  alone  ;  thick  soled  cosy-looking  shoes,  and  pan- 
taloons without  straps.  He  has  the  whole  air,  in  fact, 
of  your  well-to-do,  sober-sided,  exact,  and  respectable 
"man  of  business,"  par  excellence — one  of  the  stern 
and  outwardly  hard,  internally  soft,  sort  of  people  that 
•we  see  in  the  crack  high  comedies — fellows  whose 
words  are  so  many  bonds,  and  who  are  noted  for  giving 
away  guineas,  in  charity,  with  the  one  hand,  while,  in 
the  way  of  mere  bargain,  they  exact  the  uttermost  frac- 
tion of  a  farthing  with  the  other. 

He  makes  much  ado  before  he  can  get  suited  with  a 
boarding-house.  lie  dislikes  children.  He  has  been 
accustomed  to  quiet.  His  habits  arc  methodical,  and 
then  he  would  prefer  getting  into  a  private  and  respec- 
table small  family,  piously  inclined.  Terms,  however, 
are  no  object, — only  he  must  insist  on  settling  his  bill 
on  the  first  of  every  month  (it  is  now  the  second),  and 
begs  his  landlady,  when  he  finally  obtains  one  to  his 
mind,  not  on  any  account  to  forget  his  instructions  upon 
this  point,  but  to  send  in  a  bill  and  receipt,  precisely  at 
ten  o'clock,  on  the  first  day  of  every  month,  and  under 
no  circumstances  to  put  it  oif  to  the  second. 

These  arrangements  made,  our  man  of  business  rents 
an  office  in  a  reputable  rather  than  in  a  fashionable 
quarter  of  the  town.  There  is  nothing  he  more  despises 


THE    DIDDLER.  19 

than  pretence.  "  Where  there  is  much  show,"  he  says, 
"  there  is  seldom  anything  very  solid  behind,"  an  ob- 
servation which  so  profoundly  impresses  his  landlady's 
fancy,  that  she  makes  a  pencil  memorandum  of  it  forth- 
with, in  her  great  family  Bible,  on  the  broad  margin  of 
the  Proverbs  of  Solomon. 

The  next  step  is  to  advertise,  after  some  such  fashion 
as  this,  in  the  principal  business  six-pennies  of  the  city, 
— the  pennies  are  eschewed  as  not  "  respectable  " — and 
as  demanding  payment  for  all  advertisements  in  ad- 
vance. Our  man  of  business  holds  it  as  a  point  of  his 
faith  that  work  should  never  be  paid  for  until  done  : 

WANTED. — The  Advertisers,  being  about  to  commence  extensive 
business  operations  in  this  city,  will  require  the  services  of  three 
or  four  intelligent  and  competent  clerks,  to  whom  a  liberal  salary 
will  be  paid.  The  very  best  recommendations,  not  so  much  for 
capacity  as  for  integrity,  will  be  expected.  Indeed,  as  the  duties 
to  be  performed  involve  high  responsibilities,  and  large  amounts  of 
money  must  necessarily  pass  through  the  hands  of  those  engaged, 
it  is  deemed  advisable  to  demand  a  deposit  of  fifty  dollars  from 
each  clerk  employed.  No  person  need  apply,  therefore,  who  is 
not  prepared  to  leave  this  sum  in  the  possession  of  the  advertisers, 
and  who  cannot  furnish  the  most  satisfactory  testimonials  of  morality. 
Young  gentlemen  piously  inclined  will  be  preferred.  Application 
should  be  made  between  the  hours  of  10  and  11  o'clock,  A.M.,  and 
4  and  5  P.M.,  of  Messrs.  BOGGS,  HOGS,  LOGS,  FKOGB  &  Co., 

No.  110  Dog  Street. 

By  the  thirty-first  of  the  month  this  advertisement 
has  brought  to  the  office  of  Messrs.  Boggs,  Hogs,  Logs, 
Frogs  and  Company,  some  fifteen  or  twenty  young  gen- 
tlemen piously  inclined.  But  our  man  of  business  is  in 
no  hurry  to  conclude  a  contract  with  any — no  man  of 
business  is  ever  precipitate — and  it  is  not  until  the  most 
rigid  catechism  in  respect  to  the  piety  of  each  young 


20  THE     DIDDLER. 

gentleman's  inclination,  that  his  services  are  engaged, 
and  his  $50  receipted  for,  just  by  way  of  proper  pre- 
caution on  the  part  of  the  respectable  firm  of  Boggs, 
Hogs,  Logs,  Frogs  and  Company.  On  the  morning  of 
the  first  day  of  the  next  month,  the  landlady  does  n-.-t 
present  her  bill  according  to  promise — a  piece  of  neglect 
for  which  the  comfortable  head  of  the  house  ending  in 
ogs  would  no  doubt  have  chided  her  severely,  could  he 
have  been  prevailed  upon  to  remain  in  town  a  day  or 
two  for  that  purpose. 

As  it  is,  the  constables  have  had  a  sad  time  of  it,  run- 
ning hither  and  thither,  and  all  they  can  do  is  to  declare 
the  man  of  business  most  emphatically  a  "hen  knee  high," 
by  which  some  persons  imagine  them  to  imply  that,  in 
fact,  he  is  n.  e.  i.,  by  which  again  the  very  classical 
phrase,  non  est  inventus,  is  supposed  to  be  understood. 
In  the  meantime  the  young  gentlemen,  one  and  all,  are 
somewhat  less  piously  inclined  than  before,  while  the 
landlady  purchases  a  shilling's  worth  of  the  best  Indian 
rubber,  and  very  carefully  obliterates  the  pencil  mem- 
orandum that  some  fool  has  made  in  her  great  family 
Bible,  on  the  broad  margin  of  the  Proverbs  of  Solomon. 


ASTONISHING  GULLIBILITY. 

A    MAN   DIDDLED   OUT   OF   SIX   THOUSAND   DOLLARS. 

A.  A.  REEVES,  is  a  quiet,  well-to-do  farmer,  living 
about  six  miles  northwest  of  Sedalia,  Mo.,  on  the 
Georgetown  road.  By  hard  work  and  frugal  living,  he 
had  acquired  the  farm  upon  which  he  resided,  and  about 
$1,000  in  money.  "Week  before  last,  however,  he  was 


THE    DIDDLER.  21 

victimized  in  an  almost  incredible  manner  to  the  extent 
of  $6,000,  an  amount  which  it  will  perhaps  take  half 
the  earnings  of  his  lifetime  to  repay. 

On  Thursday,  Aug.  1,  a  company  of  gipsies,  consist- 
ing of  three  men  and  one  woman,  encamped  near  Mr. 
Reeves'  house.  The  woman  called  on  Mr.  R.  the  same 
day,  representing  to  him  that  she  was  a  clairvoyant  for- 
tune-teller, and  that  she  was  endowed  with  a  secret  gift, 
which  enabled  her  to  reveal  the  past  and  future  of  nil 
things  sublunary.  Furthermore,  she  informed  Mr.  R. 
that  she  was  a  spiritualist,  and  that  the  spirits  had  com- 
municated to  her  the  astounding  fact  that  somewhere 
on  his  (Mr.  R.'s)  farm,  immense  quantities  of  gold  and 
silver  had  been  hidden  by  some  one  at  a  time  "  whence 
the  memory  of  man  runneth  not  to  the  contrary."  The- 
charming  woman  continued  to  visit  Mr.  R.'s  house  from 
day  to  day,  and  finally  informed  him  that  the  spirits 
would  not  deign  to  tell  where  the  treasure  was  deposited, 
unless  she  could  be  temporarily  placed  in  possession  of 
$6,000  witli  which  to  perform  the  necessary  incanta- 
tion. Strange  as  it  may  seem,  Mr.  Reeves  gave  cre- 
dence to  this  story :  the  woman  completely  infatuated 
him,  leading  him  whithersoever  she  would.  He  promised 
her  that  he  would  obtain  the  money  ($6,000),  and  each 
swore  the  other  to  eternal  secrecy.  Mr.  R.  had  $965 
in  his  own  possession,  and  he  quietly  borrowed  enough 
from  different  members  of  his  family  to  make  up  the 
thousand,  without  hinting  the  purpose  for  which  he 
wanted  it.  He  then  came  to  Sedalia  and  mortgaged 
his  farm  to  Mr.  Reeve  Hughes,  to  the  amount  of  $5,000, 
payable  in  ninety  days,  at  two  and  a  half  per  cent,  a 
month.  He  thereupon  returned  home,  without  inform- 
ing any  member  of  his  family  what  his  mission  Ir 


22  THE    DIDDLEB. 

been  to  Sedalia  ;  stealthily  met  Iris  enchantress  and  told 
her  he  was  ready  for  the  incantation.  The  woman  took 
the  money,  made  a  roll  of  it,  wrapped  it  securely  in  a 
piece  of  cotton  cloth,  and,  as  if  to  make  assurance 
doubly  sure,  she  then  took  a  long  string  and  tied  it 
many  times  around  the  roll  of  money.  She  returned 
the  next  day,  when  the  final  ceremonies  took  place, 
which  were  to  inevitably  extort  a  revelation  from  the 
spirits  as  to  the  exact  locality  where  the  treasure  was 
to  be  found. 

She  took  Mr.  Reeves  into  a  room  where  there  could 
be  no  witnesses  of  the  mysterious  conjurations,  had  him 
to  stand  in  the  centre  of  the  floor,  and  with  uplifted 
hands  repeat  the  Lord's  Prayer,  while  she,  in  possession 
of  the  package  of  money,  performed  evolutions  round 
about  him,  mysteriously  chanting  during  the  time.  The 
performance  concluded,  the  woman  placed  what  was 
ostensibly  the  package  of  money  in  one  of  Mr.  R.'s 
hands,  and  charged  him,  at  the  peril  of  destroying  the 
spell,  not  to  let  the  package  go  out  of  that  particular 
hand  until  he  had  hidden  it  in  some  safe  and  secret 
place,  where,  undisturbed,  it  was  to  remain  for  the  pe- 
riod of  four  days,  when  Mr.  R.  was  to  go  and  get  it,  and 
meet  his  enchantress  at  a  spring  near  by,  when  the  two  in 
company  would  proceed  to  the  place  where  the  hidden 
treasure  was  buried.  Mr.  R.  obeyed  these  instructions 
strictly,  telling  no  one  of  any  part  of  the  transactions, 
hid  what  he  supposed  was  his  package  of  $6,000  safely 
away,  and  at  the  exact  moment,  when  the  four  days  ex- 
pired, sought  his  package  and  found  it,  but  alas  !  instead 
of  containing  the  $6,000,  it  only  contained  the  discon- 
nected fragments  of  one  of  Beadle's  Dime  Novels ! 
*A  The  reader  can  imagine  Mr.  B.'s  feeling  of  disappoint- 


THE    DIDDLER.  23 

ment,  indignation,  and  chagrin  at  tliis  stage  of  the  pro- 
ceedings. He  sought  his  charmer  at  the  spring,  but, 
alas  1  she  was  nowhere  visible.  The  gipsies  had 

"  Folded  their  tents  like  the  Arabs, 
And  silently  stole  away." 


A  NEW  DIDDLE. 

SUCCESSFUL    FOK  A  TIME,  BUT    "  CAGED"  AT  LAST — A  TAILOR 
TWICE    SOLD — INTERESTING    DETAILS,   ETC. 

A  GERMAN,  apparently  about  fifty  years  of  age,  dark 
features,  short  in  stature,  prepossessing  in  appearance, 
and  of  pleasing  address,  called  on  a  certain  day  at  a 
well-known  tailoring  establishment  in  New  York  city, 
and  asked  to  see  the  proprietor  of  the  place.  When 
the  proprietor  made  his  appearance,  the  visitor,  with 
sadness  and  utter  despair  pictured  on  his  countenance, 
commenced  to  narrate  a  most  doleful  story  as  to  how  he 
had  just  arrived  in  this  country  from  Europe,  the  bar- 
ren condition  of  his  once  well-filled  purse,  the  dreadful 
life  he  had  led  on  the  tempestuous  seas,  the  loss  of  his 
dear  sister  and  the  idol  of  his  heart  during  the  trip,  and 
now,  without  friends  and  without  money,  he  was  in  a 
strange  land.  What  to  do  he  knew  not.  At  this  period 
of  the  sad  tale  he  gave  one  long  sigh,  and  taking  out 
his  handkerchief  applied  it  to  his  eyes.  Ah  !  this  was 
too  much  for  our  tailoring  friend — he  had  feelings,  and 
this  last  sympathetic  act  had  touched  them,  and  at 
once  caused  him  to  manifest  an  interest  in  the  stranger's 
welfare. 


24  THE   DIDDLEP,. 

"My  good  man,"  said  the  kind-hearted  knight  of  the 
needle,  "  I  am  sorry  for  you  ;  your  story  is  a  sad  one. 
I  can  only  give  you  my  mite,  and  wish  I  could  afford 
more  ;  it  will  at  all  events  help  you  along." 

To  this  the  stranger  indignantly  replies,  looking  np 
from  his  handkerchief,  "  No,  sir ;  I  am  too  proud  to  ac- 
cept of  alms  without  giving  an  equivalent  in  return  ; 
but  what  I  propose  to  do  is,  to  show  you  what  I  discov- 
ered this  morning  while  searching  my  poor  sister's  effects 
(weeping  again)  ;  they  are  some  things  which  she  pur- 
chased in  the  old  country,  and  have  them  here  with  me 
in  this  carpet-bag  ;  and,  sir,  I  am  determined  to  sacrifice 
them  all  so  as  to  procure  enough  to  take  me  back  to  the 
land  of  my  birth,  where  I  have  never  known  want.  I 
hate  to  part  with  them,  but  my  wants  know  no  bounds, 
and  they  must  be  satisfied  before  thig  night  closes.  The 
things  cost  my  poor  sister  $300  in  gold,  and  we  got  them 
in  without  paying  duty  on  them." 

Just  as  the  last  part  of  the  foregoing  sentence  was 
being  completed,  two  nicely-dressed  young  men,  of 
foreign  nativity,  came  sauntering  in  the  store  with  an  air 
of  purchase,  and  inquired  the  various  prices  for  making 
different  styles  of  clothing,  what  such  a  suit  would  be 
worth  off  of  this  or  that  piece  of  goods,  etc.,  and  while 
strolling  around  their  eyes  alighted  on  the  goods  of  our 
destitute  German,  which  consisted  of  handkerchiefs,  table 
cloths,  napkins,  etc.  Taking  up  some  of  the  same  and 
examining  them,  they  remarked,  "  What  are  these  hand- 
kerchiefs worth  ?"  To  which  the  proprietor  replied  that 
he  was  just  about  purchasing  them.  This  caused  a  more 
careful  examination  on  the  part  of  the  new  coiners,  and 
in  the  meantime  the  story  of  the  poor  man  is  related  to 
them. 


THE   DIDDLER.  25 

"  Well,"  says  one  of  the  young  men,  "  I  think  I  know 
dry  goods  when  I  see  them — quality  I  mean — and  will 
give  $125  for  the  lot,  and  take  my  risks  on  the  profits. 
What  say  you  ?" 

';  No,"  says  the  seller,  "  I  am  dealing  with  the  pro- 
prietor only." 

This,  of  course,  ended  the  conversation  on  that  topic, 
except,  as  the  young  men  were  going  out,  one  of  them 
remarked  that  if  they  were  not  sold,  (pointing  to  the 
goods,)  that  he  would  take  them  at  $125.  His  room 
was  No.  106  Fifth  Avenue  Hotel,  not  to  be  later  than 
five  p.  M.,  as  they  had  to  leave  the  city  in  an  evening 
train ;  further,  that  when  they  visited  the  city  again 
they  would  call  at  the  tailoring  establishment  and  pur- 
chase two  suits  of  clothing. 

After  they  had  gone,  the  proprietor  (having  the 
"  points"  from  two  such  apparently  thoroughly  "posted" 
men)  was  now  more  anxious  to  purchase  than  ever ; 
money  he  loved,  and  he  thought  he  saw  a  clear  profit  6f 
$150  on  the  goods;  the  stranger  wanted  money,  and 
now  Avas  his  chance  to  make  the  purchase  ;  so  he  offered 
$75  dollars  for  a  starter.  Then,  after  much  talk,  it  got 
np  to  $150.  The  bargain  was  finally  closed,  the  sum 
counted  out  and  handed  over  to  the  stranger,  who  pock- 
eted the  same.  After  which,  with  uplifted  hands,  and 
a  God  bless  you,  concluding  with  a  promise  to  return  in 
the  morning,  so  as  to  make  the  tailor  a  present  of  a  small 
piece  of  silk  with  which  to  have  a  dress  made  for  his 
child,  in  return  for  his  kindness,  the  stranger  made  his 
exit,  and  the  tailor  returned  to  his  counting-room,  seated 
himself,  and  rubbed  his  hands  together  in  high  glee  over 
his  morning's  work. 

Time  passed  on,  and  by  chance  a  friend  of  the  tailor's 


26  THE    DIDDLER. 

called  in,  who  was  a  dealer  in  the  goods  which  the  tailor 
had  just  purchased. 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "  what  is  that  lot  worth  ?"  pointing 
to  the  recent  purchase. 

"  Why,  about  $35.  If  you  gave  more,  you  are  sold 
as  well  as  the  goods.  The  goods  are  of  a  common  qual- 
ity, all  starched  up,  etc." 

And  sure  enough,  they  were  not  worth  over  the  price 
named  by  the  gentleman. 

At  the  announcement  the  tailor  became  indignant, 
swore  revenge,  and  at  once  visited  the  Detective  Police 
Agency,  told  his  story,  when  the  sequel  was  laughingly 
given  by  the  Superintendent,  as  follows :  That  the  two 
young  men  alluded  to  above  were  what  are  termed 
"  coppers  ;"  the  destitute  German,  the  "  confidence  ope- 
rator ;"  and  the  tailor — an  honest,  confiding  man — was 
the  "  out  and  injured"  victim. 



AN   "ALL-EIGHT"   DIDDLER. 

THE  Steamer  Financier,  which  used  to  ply  between 
Cincinnati  and  Pittsburgh,  had  one  day  commenced  her 
up  trip,  and  had  progressed  to  the  point  where  the 
colored  gentleman  with  the  bell  summons  the  "  passen- 
gers to  the  Cap'n's  office  to  settle."  All  complied  with 
the  urgent  invitation,  but  one  brawny  Hoosier-looking 
chap,  who  took  no  notice  of  the  summons,  whatever,  but 
walked  the  deck  as  important  and  consequential  as  if  he 
owned  the  Financier  and  several  other  steamboats,  and 
had  a  lease  of  the  river  they  navigated,  besides  being 
owner  of  several  large  plantations  they  were  passing. 
The  clerk,  who  saw  him  so  unheedful  of  the  special  call 


THE   DIDDLER.  27 

thus  made,  and  supposing  the  man  was  resting  under 
some  misapprehension,  approached  him  and  asked  him 
for  his  fare.  The  passenger  looked  at  him  as  if  half  in- 
clined to  be  offended,  and  responded,  "  All  right !"  in  a 
tone  which  implied  that  he  was  perfectly  at  home,  and 
had  a  full  right  there. 

The  clerk  looked  at  him  a  moment :  "  Well,"  said  he, 
"  it  may  be  all  right ;  but  it  would  be  more  right  still 
if  you  would  just  fork  over  the  money  for  your  pas- 
sage." 

"  All  right,"  replied  the  Hoosier,  nodding  his  head. 

"  Give  me  your  fare,"  said  the  clerk,  growing  warm  • 
"  and  stop  your  nonsense." 

"  All  right,"  responded  the  man,  waiving  his  hand. 

"  Oh,  confound  your  *  all  right,'  "  said  the  incensed 
clerk  ;  "  I  say  it  isn't  all  right.  I  want  the  money,  and 
I'll  have  it." 

"  All  right,"  persisted  the  strange  individual. 

The  clerk  was  almost  frantic ;  but  being  called  away 
to  perform  some  other  duties,  the  man  was  forgotten 
until  they  had  passed  the  next  landing  place,  when  the 
clerk  again  demanded  his  fare,  and  again  received  the 
answer  of  "  all  right." 

"  Come,  come,"  said  the  clerk,  "  shell  out." 

"All  right,"  replied  the  incorrigible,  as  calm  as  a 
morning  in  May. 

"  Give  me  the  money,"  yelled  the  clerk. 

"  All  right,"  responded  the  man,  showing  not  the 
least  emotion;  and  to  every  demand  or  threat  the 
reply  still  was,  "  All  right." 

At  last  the  clerk,  aggravated  beyond  all  bounds, 
sought  the  captain,  and  informed  him  of  the  customer 
on  deck,  who,  though  strenuously  persisting  that  all  was 


28  THE    DIDDLER. 

right,  to  his  mind,  was  all  wrong,  and  asked  his  superior 
to  look  after  him. 

The  captain  went  on  deck,  and  with  a  frowning  brow 
demanded  the  money. 

"  All  right,"  said  the  man  with  the  utmost  gravity. 

The  captain  stamped  and  swore  terribly,  but  the  man 
was  not  to  be  moved  by  snch  petty  gusts,  and  the  cap- 
tain left  him,  vowing  terrible  vengeance  when  they  shall 
reach  the  next  landing  place,  which  was  Maysville. 

As  soon  as  the  boat  touched  the  wharf,  the  captain 
collared  the  delinquent ;  dragging  him  forcibly  to  the 
gangway,  he  ordered  him  to  go  ashore,  with  a  voice  of 
thunder,  and  assisted  his  departure  by  a  process  of 
ejectment  not  recognized  in  the  courts,  at  the  same 
time  applying  to  him  sundry  strong  words  that  profane 
men  will  sometimes  use,  to  the  horror  of  well-disposed 
people. 

After  the  boat  had  swung  from  the  wharf,  the  captain 
looked  over  the  gunwale  and  deridingly  asked  his  late 
customer  if  he  would  not  like  to  go  a  little  farther ;  and 
expressed  the  hope  that  he'd  have  a  good  time,  and 
that  he'd  find  it  "  all  right  "  where  he  was,  over  the 
left ! 

The  man  heard  him  out,  very  complacently,  when 
applying  his  thumb  to  his  nose,  and  describing  certain 
mystical  gyrations  with  his  four  outspread  fingers,  he 
cried,  in  a  tone  that  drowned  the  noise  of  the  steam, 
"  All-right,  capt'ing !  This  is  my  hum,  this  is  !  I  live 
in  Maysville  !  All  right  1" 

And  the  captain  saw  him  walk  leisurely  up  the  land- 
ing, turning  round  occasionally  and  performing  the 
same  mystical  signs,  and  fancied  he  heard  the  sound 
"All  right  !"  borne  toward  him  on  the  breeze. 


THE   DIDDLER.  29 

FUENITUEE  DIDDLEE. 

A  HorsEKEEPEK  in  want  of  a  sofa  is  seen  to  go  in  and 
out  of  several  cabinet  warehouses.  At  length  she 
arrives  at  one  offering  an  excellent  variety.  She  is 
accosted  and  invited  to  enter,  by  a  polite  and  voluble 
individual  at  the  door.  She  finds  a  sofa  well  adapted 
to  her  views,  and,  upon  inquiring  the  price,  is  surprised 
and  delighted  to  hear  a  sum  named,  at  least  twenty  per 
cent,  lower  than  her  expectations.  She  hastens  to  make 
the  purchase,  gets  a  bill  and  receipt,  leaves  her  address, 
with  a  request  that  the  article  be  sent  home  as  speedily 
as  possible,  and  retires  amid  a  profusion  of  bows  from 
the  storekeeper.  The  night  arrives,  and  no  sofa.  The 
next  day  passes  and  still  none.  A  servant  is  sent 
to  make  inquiry  about  the  delay.  The  whole  trans- 
action is  denied.  No  sofa  has  been  sold,  no  money 
received — except  by  the  diddler  who  played  shopkeeper 
for  the  nonce. 

Our  cabinet  warehouses  are  left  entirely  unattended, 
and  thus  afford  every  facility  for  a  trick  of  this  kind. 
Visitors  enter,  look  at  furniture,  and  depart  unheeded 
and  unseen.  Should  anyone  wish  to  purchas^or  to 
inquire  the  price  of  an  article,  a  bell  is  at  hand,  and 
this  is  considered  amply  sufficient.. 


FEEE  AND  EASY  DIDDLEE. 

A  WELL-DKESSED  individual  enters  a  shop,  makes  a 
purchase  to  the  value  of  a  dollar,  finds,  much  to  his 
vexation,  that  he  has  left  his  pocket-book  in  another 
coat  pocket,  and  so  says  to  the  shopkeeper  : 


30  THE    DIDDLER. 

"  My  dear  sir,  never  mind ;  just  oblige  me,  will  you, 
by  sending  the  bundle  home  ?  But  stay ;  I  really  be- 
lieve that  I  have  nothing  less  than  a  five  dollar  bill, 
even  there.  However,  you  can  send  four  dollars  in 
change  with  the  bundle,  you  know." 

"  Very  good,  sir,"  replies  the  shopkeeper,  who  enter- 
tains at  once  a  lofty  opinion  of  the  highmiiidedness  of 
his  customer.  "I  know  fellows,"  he  says  to  himself) 
who  would  just  have  put  the  goods  under  their  arm, 
and  walked  off  with  a  promise  to  call  and  pay  the  dol- 
lar as  they  came  by  in  the  afternoon. 

A  boy  is  sent  with  the  parcel  and  change.  On  the 
route,  quite  accidentally,  he  is  met  by  the  purchaser, 
who  exclaims : 

"  Ah !  this  is  my  bundle,  I  see — I  thought  you  had 
been  home  with  it  long  ago.  "Well,  go  on !  My  wife, 
Mrs.  Trotter,  will  give  you  the  five  dollars — I  left  in- 
structions with  her  to  that  effect.  The  change  you 
might  as  well  give  to  me — I  shall  want  some  silver  for 
the  post  office.  Yery  good  1  One,  two — is  this  a  good 
quarter  ? — three,  four — quite  right, !  Say  to  Mrs.  Trot- 
ter that  you  met  me,  and  be  sure  now  and  do  not  loiter 
on  the  way." 

The  boy  doesn't  loiter  at  all,  but  he  is  a  long  time  in 
getting  back  from  his  errand — for  no  lady  of  the  precise 
name  of  Mrs.  Trotter  is  to  be  discovered.  He  consoles 
himself,  however,  that  he  has  not  been  such  a  fool  as  to 
leave  the  goods  without  the  money,  and  re-entering  his 
shop  with  a  self-satisfied  air,  feels  sensibly  hurt  and  in- 
dignant when  his  master  asks  him  what  has  become  of 
the  change. 


THE   DIDDLER.  31 

A  FEMALE  DIDDLER 

WHITES   THREATENING   LETTERS    TO   HER   LANDLORD. 

NOT  long  ago,  at  St.  Louis,  a  woman  of  many  aliases 
was  arrested  on  a  charge  of  attempted  robbery.  This 
woman  rented  a  small  house  of  one  Jacobs.  She  had 
not  been  long  in  the  house  before  she  discovered  that  it 
was  sadly  in  need  of  repairs,  and  sent  for  the  landlord 
to  induce  him  to  have  the  necessary  work  done.  Jacobs, 
it  seems,  did  not  see  it  in  that  light,  and  thought  the 
house  was  good  enough.  She  then  commenced  writing 
letters  to  Jacobs,  informing  him  that  she  had  broken  her 
leg  by  falling  down  the  dilapidated  stairs,  and  went  so 
far  as  to  have  a  suit  brought  against  him  for  $10,000 
damages.  Not  content  with  this,  she  continued  writing 
to  Jacobs,  and  threatened  that,  if  he  failed  to  make  a 
certain  arrangement  with  her  lawyer,  she  would  make 
a  charge  against  him  of  violating  her  person.  In  some 
of  her  letters  she  uses  words  that  no  well-bred  lady 
would  employ  in  any  emergency. 

Jacobs,  like  a  sensible  man,  instead  of  acceding  to 
her  demands,  carefully  preserved  her  letters,  and  finally 
had  her  arrested  for  attempted  robbery.  Being  unable 
to  procure  bail,  the  woman  was  sent  to  jail.  The  fol- 
lowing, one  of  the  shortest  of  the  letters,  is  published  as 
a  sample  of  the  woman's  style  : 

August  20,  18G7. 

A.  S.  JACOBS  :  Now,  sir,  your  infamy  shall  be  shown 
Tip,  and  I  will  sink  you  so  deep  in  the  h'res  of  hell  that 
you  will  not  hear  the  last  trumpet.  You  will  be 
committed  to  the  penitentiary  for  the  rape  you  com- 
mitted on  me.  "We  have  all  the  proofs,  and  you  shall 


32  THE   DIDDLER. 

be  examined,  and  the proven  in  court 

and  to  your  wife.  If  you  think  you  will  escape  me  you 
are  mistaken.  I  will  go  myself  to  her  and  tell  her  of 
your  infamy.  You  see  I  am  not  alone  and  unprotected. 
If  you  do  not  do  as  the  lawyer  wishes  you  to,  you  shall 
have  a  hell  on  this  earth.  You  thought  you  would  have 
the  rent  raised  up,  but  I  will  put  you  through-,  you  old 
villain.  She  will  make  a  nice  hell  for  you,  which  shall 
be  for  life." 

St.  Louis  boasted  of  several  cases  similar  to  this,  in 
which  unprincipled  females  have  extorted  money  from 
respectable  citizens  by  threatening  to  accuse  them  of 
immoral  practices.  In  one  case  a  woman  obtained  $5,000 
from  a  wealthy  citizen  by  the  black  mail  process.  In 
another,  a  notorious  married  woman  and  her  husband 
extorted  from  a  citizen  a  note  for  $4,000.  It  is  said 
that  a  female  who  has  a  few  respectable  associates,  has 
acquired  property  valued  at  $40,000  by  similar  arts. 


DIDDLER  IN  THE  SHINGLE  BUSINESS. 

A  VERY  gentlemanly  man  went  into  a  store  in  ISTew- 
burgh,  N.  Y.,  and  with  a  business-like  air  priced  various 
articles,  stating  casually  that  he  lived  about  five  miles 
from  the  city,  and  had  a  load  of  shingles  which  he  in- 
tended taking  home,  but  which  were  first  to  be  loaded, 
and  he  had  stepped  in  to  buy  his  goods,  and  have  them 
in  readiness  when  the  load  was  on.  He  was  waited 
upon  by  one  of  the  firm,  and  ordered  quite  a  large  bill 
of  goods.  While  they  were  being  put  up,  he  drew  a 
twenty  dollar  bill  from  his  pocket,  and  asked  the  clerk 


THE    DIDDLEB.  33 

to  give  him  smaller  bills  for  it.  He  held  the  twenty 
dollar  bill  in  his  hand  until  ten  dollars  had  been  count- 
ed out,  when  he  took  the  money  up,  and  asked  him  to 
give  him  sixty-five  cents  to  pay  a  boy  he  had  hired,  and 
charge  the  whole  amount  with  the  groceries,  saying  he 
would  be  in  as  soon  as  he  had  "  loaded  his  shingles"  and 
liquidate. 

The  change  was  handed  to  him,  and  he  stepped  out 
of  the  door.  It  is  thought  he  is  experiencing  consider- 
able difficulty  in  getting  his  "  shingles  loaded,"  as,  at 
last  accounts,  he  has  failed  to  make  an  appearance.  No 
one  recognized  him,  and  it  is  to  be  presumed  he  is  a 
professional  traveling  upon  his  wits. 


YANKEE  DOODLE  DIDDLE. 

YEAKS  ago,  and  now  for  aught  we  know,  Yankee 
clock  pedlars  would  go  through  the  Southern  States 
swindling  and  tricking  the  inhabitants  most  unmerci- 
fully. The  following  is  a  truthful  instance  : 

One  of  those  chevaliers  took  with  him,  in  a  long, 
Connecticut  covered  wagon,  forty  clocks,  and  sold  and 
"put  'em  up"  along  the  country,  in  one  direction, 
warranting  them  to  keep  "  first-rate  time."  He  ex- 
hausted his  supply,  with  but  a  single  exception,  and 
then,  with  unparalleled  assurance,  he  turned  about  and 
retraced  his  course.  The  last  person  to  whom  he  had 
sold  a  clock  hailed  him  as  he  was  going  by. 

"  Look  o'  here,  stranger,  that  clock  you  sold  me  ain't 
worth  a  continental  cuss.  'Twon't  go  at  all !" 

"  You  don't  say  so !  Then,  you  must  ha'  got  it, 
Square.  See,  the  fact  is,  I  find  by  my  numbers  that 

1* 


34  THE    DIDDLER. 

there  was  one  o'  my  clocks — I  had  forty  on  'urn  when  I 
fust  sot  out — that  I  am  a  leetle  afraid  on  ;  it  was  con- 
demned to  hum  'fore  I  came  away,  but  some  how  or 
'nother  it  got  put  into  the  wagon.  What's  the  number 
o'  your  clock,  Square  ?" 

"  Fourteen  thousand  and  one,"  replied  his  victim. 

"  That's  jist  the  blasted  thing !"  exclaimed  the  pedlar. 
"  I'll  change  with  yeou  ;  yeou  take  my  last  one,  and  I'll 
take  this  hum.  The  works  is  good,  I  guess ;  on'y  want 
fixin'  a  leetle." 

The  exchange  was  made,  and  all  along  the  road  the 
pedlar  was  similarly  arrested  by  his  dupes,  who  were 
similarly  duped  in  return.  He  took  every  successive 
bad  clock  to  his  next  customer,  and  received  another 
bad  clock  for  the  next.  And  this  was  mentioned  and 
laughed  at  as  "  Yankee  cuteness."  It  strikes  us  forci- 
bly, however,  that  swindling  of  the  meanest  kind  would 
be  a  more  appropriate  designation  for  such  a  transac- 
tion. 


CONFIDENCE  IN  CANADA. 

MR.  DIDDLER   SETS  OUT  TO  REVOLUTIONIZE   THE  BUSINESS  OF 
MINING   IN   THE   DOMINION   AND   GETS   INTO   TROUBLE. 

AN  unpretending  "  shingle,"  denoting  that  a  new  cor- 
poration, yclept  the  "  Julia  Gold  Mining  Company," 
had  been  ushered  into  existence  in  Toronto.  Neither 
the  announcement  nor  the  promoter  of  the  undertaking 
caused  a  revolution  in  financial  affairs,  and  the  manage- 
ment and  existence  of  the  romantically  named  mine 
might  have  remained  in  oblivion  but  for  the  subsequent 
career  of  its  promoter,  a  man  who,  during  the  three 


THE    DIDDLER.  35 

weeks  of  its  career  in  that  city,  played  as  many  sharp 
tricks  as  could  be  expected  of  the  most  expert  adept  in 
the  same  time. 

Prior,  however,  to  the  transactions  which  summarily 
hastened  the  villain's  "  visit"  to  the  county  jail,  was  the 
initiation  of  a  "  mining  company"  advertisement  for  min- 
eral lands  in  Madoc,  announcing  himself  as  an  expe- 
rienced miner  desirous  of  purchasing,  with  a  view  of  form- 
ing a  company.  Several  answers  appear  to  have  been 
received,  among  these  one  from  a  party  of  gentlemen 
represented  by  Mr.  Hugh  Miller.  With  the  latter  he 
made  terms,  leasing,  at  a  liberal  snm,  and  for  the  term 
of  twenty  years,  fifteen  acres  of  lot  No.  28,  in  the  fourth 
concession  of  Madoc.  The  lease  was  drawn  out  to 
"  Edward  Pearse  Pugh,"  the  name  given  by  the  adroit 
rascal,  but  under  the  representation  that  he  was  the 
representative  of  an  unlimited  amount  of  American 
capital,  ready  to  be  flooded  into  the  gold  mining  busi- 
ness as  soon  as  the  transfer  was  made. 

As  a  first  payment  on  the  purchase,  he  offered  a  check 
for  £100,  with  a  signature  purporting  to  be  that  of  his 
father  to  Brown,  Shipley  &  Co.,  of  New  York.  This 
Mr.  Miller  hesitated  to  accept ;  but,  in  the  mean  time, 
proceeded  to  have  the  lease  prepared,  while  "  Pugh" 
forwarded  the  draft  to  New  York.  "While  the  visions 
of  nuggets  from  Madoc  were  thus  to  feast  the  imagina- 
tions of  large  investors  in  mining  lands,  the  proprietor 
of  the  scheme  proceeded  to  put  the  machinery  in  order, 
by  which  dividends  of  one  thousand  per  cent,  a  week 
on  the  capital  were  to  be  obtained.  A  "  preliminary" 
prospectus  was  issued,  detailing  the  subterranean  won- 
ders existing  in  the  auriferous  region  to  become  the  pro- 
perty of  the  company  as  soon  as  the  cash  was  secured. 


36  THE     DIDDLER. 

The  names  of  well-known  citizens  figured  in  this  lauda- 
tory circular,  and  a  happy  time  was  promised  for  the 
Jullian  venture. 

An  announcement  intimated  that  shares  were  in  read- 
iness, but  was  evidently  intended  to  strengthen  public 
confidence  in  Pugh,  who,  on  the  latter  day,  visited  a 
number  of  business  men  and  made  purchases  on  the 
strength  of  his  position  as  secretary  and  manager  of  the 
company.  His  mode  of  operation  displayed  considera- 
ble genius,  and  would  undoubtedly  have  been  quite 
successful  had  he  had  less  competent  hands  to  watch 
him.  After  banking  hours  he  visited  a  number  of 
storekeepers,  making  purchases  ranging  from  $30  to 
$100,  in  each  instance  giving  checks  for  the  amount, 
alleging  that  the  banks  being  closed  he  could  not  draw 
money  that  day.  To  facilitate  his  game  he  wrote  a  let- 
ter on  the  same  day  to  the  Royal  Canadian  Bank, 
stating  that  a  deposit  of  $12,000  to  the  credit  of  the 
Julia  Gold  Mining  Company  would  be  made  on  Mon- 
day. 

With  these  arrangements  completed,  he  visited  the 
store  of  Mr.  Potter,  optician,  and  bought  a  theodolite, 
at  $125,  giving  in  payment  a  check  for  $140,  and  ob- 
taining $15  in  return  to  square  the  transaction.  To  Mr. 
Phillips,  carver  and  gilder,  he  gave  a  check  for  $18  50, 
and  at  "Wharin's  he  invested  in  a  watch  and  chain  at 
$50,  paying  the  same  worthless  paper.  At  Ellis's  jew- 
elry store  he  purchased  a  like  amount ;  at  Morphy's 
$20  worth  ;  with  Mr.  Booth,  painter,  he  invested  $12 
50,  serving  each  in  the  same  way — giving  checks  over 
the  sums  owing  ^nd  obtaining  from  them  the  balance  in 
cash.  Similarly  assiduous,  while  the  Saturday  evening 
offered  opportunities  for  work,  he  bought  a  gun  from 


THE    DIDDLEB.  37 

Mr.  Marston,  and  a  revolver  at  a  heavy  price,  a  watch 
from  Mr.  Segsworth,  jeweler,  and,  not  to  be  without  any 
of  the  requisites  of  a  gentleman,  bartered  another  check 
with  Mr.  Spooner  for  cigars,  a  handsome  meerschaum, 
a  cigar  case,  and, other  valuable  articles. 

At  last  he  visited  Merrick  Bros.,  and  made  extensive 
purchases,  proffering  a  similar  barter ;  but  they,  hesitat- 
ing, dispatched  a  messenger  to  one  of  the  bank  officials 
to  ascertain  the  standing  of  Pngh,  who  with  them  had 
assumed  the  name  of  "  II.  S.  Eccles."  The  report  was  un- 
fovorable,  and  the  matter  being  noised  about,  Mr.  Potter 
also  obtained  information  to  a  similar  effect,  and  gave 
notice  to  the  police.  A  detective  was  immediately  on 
the  track  of  the  fellow  ;  and,  although  receiving  the  in- 
formation only  about  nine  o'clock  P.  M.,  secured  traces 
that  led  him  to  suspect  his  intention  of  leaving  by  the 
night  train.  Visiting  the  hotels,  he  found  him  leaving 
the  Rochester  House,  to  take  the  midnight  train  for 
Detroit.  He  was  immediately  arrested  and  depleted 
summarily  of  his  heterogeneous  assortment.  While 
being  taken  to  the  police  station,  he  made  a  determined 
attempt  to  escape,  and  succeeded  in  removing  the  grasp 
of  the  officer,  but  was  recaptured. 

On  his  person  were  found  a  number  of  documents 
which  prove  him  to  be  a  villain  of  no  mean  pretensions. 
Papers  announcing  him  as  the  proprietor  of  a  huge 
scheme  called  the  "  Cincinnati  Financial  and  Discount- 
ing Association"  were  found  on  his  person,  and  in  this 
he  occupied  all  the  berths  worth  having.  The  affair  is 
of  quite  recent  origin,  the  prospectus  bearing  the  date 
27th  of  May,  1867.  It  was  to  have  had  a  capital  to  the 
modest  amount  of  $500,000.  Any  number  of  pawn- 
brokers' tickets  disclosed  one  of  his  means  of  disposing 


38  THE     DIDDLER. 

of  previous  gains  in  the  same  way  in  Detroit  and  Cin- 
cinnati, while  blank  checks  of  French  and  English 
banks,  English  bill  stamps,  and  other  accessories,  showed 
the  variety  of  ways  in  which  his  roguery  was  prepared 
to  show  itself. 

The  "  company's  "  check  book,  and  other  books  and 
documents  were  found  in  the  office,  while  in  his  pocket- 
book  was  found  a  list  of  tailors  and  clothiers  to  whom 
he  had  given  orders  for  clothing,  and  some  whom  he 
had  victimized.  His  stock  in  this  line,  had  he  secured 
all,  would  have  consisted  of  four  dress,  seven  tweed,  and 
three  overcoats,  besides  a  case  full  of  other  clothing.  A 
number  of  lesser  transactions  remain  unrecorded,  from 
the  fact  that  sufficient  are  given  to  show  the  swindler 
one  of  the  cleverest  and  most  daring  operators  who  has 
visited  that  city  for  some  years.  He  is  an  Irishman,  and 
states  himself  that  he  has  not  been  long  in  America. 
He  is  well  informed  in  regard  to  the  country,  however, 
and  is  a  man  of  decided  intelligence. 


OFFICIAL  DIDDLER. 

THE  captain  of  a  ship  which  is  about  to  sail  is  pre- 
sented by  an  official-looking  person  with  an  unusually 
moderate  bill  of  city  charges.  Glad  to  get  off  so  easily, 
and  confused  by  a  hundred  duties  pressing  upon  him  all  at 
once,  he  discharges  the  claim  forthwith.  In  about  fifteen 
minutes,  another  and  less  reasonable  bill  is  handed  him 
by  one  who  soon  makes  it  evident  that  the  first  col- 
lector was  a  diddler,  and  the  original  collection  a  diddle. 


THE    D1DDLER.  39 


POCKET-BOOK  DIDDLEK. 

A  STEAMBOAT  is  casting  loose  from  the  wharf.  A 
traveler,  portmanteau  in  hand,  is  discovered  running 
toward  the  wharf  at  full  speed.  Suddenly  he  makes  a 
dead  halt,  stoops,  and  picks  up  something  from  the 
ground,  in  a  very  agitated  manner.  It  is  a  pocket-book, 
and — 

"  Has  any  gentleman  lost  a  pocket-book  ?"  he  cries. 

ISTo  one  can  say  that  he  has  exactly  lost  a  pocket-book ; 
but  a  great  excitement  ensues,  when  the  treasure  trove 
is  found  to  be  of  value.  The  boat,  however,  must  not 
be  detained. 

"Time  and  tide  wait  for  no  man,"  says  the  captain. 

"  For  God's  sake,  stay  only  a  few  minutes,"  says  the 
finder  of  the  book — "  the  claimant  will  presently  ap- 
pear." 

"  Can't  wait,"  replies  the  man  in  authority ;  "  cast 
off  there,  d'ye  hear  ?" 

"  What  am  I  to  do  ?"  asks  the  finder,  in  great  tribu- 
lation. u  I  am  about  to  leave  the  country  for  some 
years,  and  I  cannot  conscientiously  retain  this  large 
amount  in  my  possession.  I  beg  pardon,  sir,"  (here  he 
addresses  a  gentleman  on  shore),  "  but  you  have  the  air 
of  an  honest  man.  Will  you  confer  upon  me  the  favor 
of  taking  charge  of  this  pocket-book  —  I  know  I  can 
trust  you — and  of  advertising  it  ?  The  notes,  you  see, 
amount  to  a  very  considerable  sum.  The  owner  will, 
no  doubt,  insist  on  rewarding  you  for  your  trouble  " — 

"  Me  ! — no,  you  I — it  was  you  who  found  the  book." 

"Well,  if  you  must  have  it  so — /  will  take  a  small 
reward — just  to  satisfy  your  scruples.  Let  me  see  — 


40  THE   LIDDLER. 

why  these  notes  are  all  hundreds — bless  my  soul !  A 
hundred  is  too  much  to  take — fifty  would  be  quite 
enough,  I  am  sure  " — 

"  Cast  off  there  !"  says  the  captain. 

"  But  then  I  have  no  change  for  a  hundred,  and  upon 
the  whole  you  had  better  " — 

"  Cast  off  there,"  says  the  captain. 

"  Never  mind !"  cries  the  gentleman  on  shore,  who 
has  been  examining  his  pocket-book  for  the  last  minute 
or  so — "  never  mind !  1  can  fix  it — here  is  a  fifty  on 
the  Bank  of  North  America — throw  me  the  book." 

And  the  over-conscientious  finder  takes  the  fifty  with 
marked  reluctance,  and  throws  the  gentleman  the  book, 
as  desired,  while  the  steamboat  fumes  and  fizzes  on  her 
way.  In  about  half  an  hour  after  her  departure  the 
"  large  amount  "  is  seen  to  be  a  "  counterfeit  present- 
ment "  and  the  whole  thing  a  diddle. 


NEW  JEKSEY  MULE  DEIYER. 

HOW  MULES  ARE  DRIVEN,  AND  HOW  A  VETERAN  DRIVER  EVAD- 
ED A  GATE-KEEPER — A  JERSEY  REMINISCENCE. 

ALMOST  every  one  is  familiar  with  the  mode  of  driv- 
ing (?)  a  drove  of  young  mules.  It  is  on  the  inverse 
system.  The  drover  buys  up  from  fifty  to  a  hundred 
young,  unbroken  mules,  and  mounted  on  a  brood  mare, 
they  follow  after  the  same  as  do  sheep  the  bell-wether 
of  a  flock.  For  a  great  many  years  an  old  trader,  fami- 
liarly called  "  Old  Sol " — who  if  ever  possessed  of  any 
other  patrynomic  had  probably  forgotten  the  fact — was 
in  the  habit  of  bringing  in  from  the  "West  a  drove  of  the 


THE    DIDDLER."  41 

long-eared  animals  and  disposing  of  them  to  the  farmers 
of  south  Jersey.  The  last  business  visit  he  made  to  that 
section  was  about  the  time  the  turnpike  mania  raged, 
and  a  single  bar  was  stretched  across  nearly  every 
public  road,  to  pass  beyond  which  required  the  pay- 
ment of: 

For  every  carriage,  sleigh  or  sled  drawn  by  one  beast, 
1  \  cents  per  mile. 

For  every  additional  beast,  \\  cents. 

For  every  dozen  of  calves,  sheep  or  hogs,  2  cents. 

For  every  dozen  horses,  mules  or  cattle,  6  cents. 

"  Old  Sol  "  had  passed  something  like  two  dozen  of 
these  bars  on  his  way  from  Camden  to  Bridgeton,  pay- 
ing the  legal  exaction  at  each  under  protest,  and  in  very 
profane  language.  Not  having  disposed  of  a  single 
mule,  and  drawing  nigh  the  end  of  a  long  journey,  he 
was  beginning  to  suffer  from  a  drought  in  his  pocket, 
and  to  his  dismay  saw  the  inevitable  bar  once  more  be- 
fore him.  Looking  around,  and  finding  that  his  mules 
were  leisurely  browsing  along  the  road,  some  two  or 
three  hundred  yards  behind,  he  hurried  up  his  pace  to 
the  gate,  paid  a  single  toll  for  the  horse  he  was  riding, 
and  made  a  special  request  of  the  gate-keeper  to  shut  it 
after  him,  and  stop  those  darned  mules  which  had  been 
following  him  two  or  three  miles. 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  accommodating  keeper,  who 
had  it  locked  in  less  time  than  it  takes  to  tell  it. 

"  Old  Sol "  started  off  again  on  a  brisk  canter,  which 
his  mules  soon  imitated,  and  as  they  came  to  the  gate 
bar  went  over  it  in  one,  two,  three  order,  to  the  astonish- 
ment of  the  keeper,  who  saw  the  point  of  the  joke  in  a 
few  minutes  after,  and  acknowledged  himself  "dead 
beat." 


42  THE   DIDDLER. 

BEWAKE  OF  THE  WIDOWS. 

A   YOUNG   PITTSBURGH  WIDOW  DIDDLES   A   CLEVELANDER. 

THE  reporter  of  the  Cleveland  Herald  has  a  young 
friend  who  came  to  Pittsburgh,  and  was  victimized  by 
a  gushing  young  widow  at  a  hotel  there  to  the  tune  of 
$430.  The  reporter  tells  the  story  thus  : 

It  seems  that  he  went  to  Pittsburgh  on  a  visit,  and 
while  there  at  the  hotel  he  made  the  acquaintance  of  a 
pretty  young  widow,  who  had  just  escaped  the  "  weeds" 
the  first  day  of  his  acquaintance,  and  appeared  at  the 
dinner  table  arrayed  in  an  elegant  light  silk,  and,  as  he 
states,  looked  charming,  all  smiles  and  geniality.  Tin's 
table  acquaintance  ripened  into  a  sofa  t6te-a-t3te,  and 
long  lingering  walks  in  the  evening,  stopping  now  and 
then  to  "  cream  and  soda,"  and  an  intimacy  that  could 
not  be  misunderstood  by  the  landlady  of  the  hotel.  So 
finding  that  their  actions  were  watched,  she  entreated 
him  to  leave  her ;  but  that  was  just  the  "  game"  to 
make  him  stay  by  her  side,  as  he  did,  much  to  the  dis- 
pleasure of  the  landlady,  who  took  no  pains  to  hide  this 
ill-feeling  from  the  parties. 

In  order  to  escape  these  persecutions,  as  she  termed 
the  actions  of  the  landlady,  she  proposed  a  trip  to  Cin- 
cinnati and  Louisville,  and  our  friend,  having  but  little 
to  occupy  his  time,  consented,  and  away  they  went  as 
fast  as  express  trains  could  carry  them. 

They  remained  in  these  cities  for  a  few  weeks,  and 
growing  tired  of  the  dull  sameness  of  city  life,  (there 
were  no  first-class  amusements  to  be  attained,)  con- 
cluded to  try  a  few  weeks  on  the  lake  shore,  in  the 


THE   D1DDLER. 


43 


THE'    PITTSBURGH    WIDOW. 


THE    DIDDLER.  45 

Forest  City.  They  arrived  on  the  morning  express, 
and  took  lodgings  at  a  first-class  boarding-house  up 
town. 

Daring  this  acquaintance  our  friend  had  trusted  con- 
siderable sums  of  money  to  the  charming  widow  for  safe 
keeping,  he  being  nervous  about  pocket-picking  and 
burglary,  and  when  they  arrived  here  she  had  about 
$430  in  her  possession  which  belonged  to  him.  The 
day  previous  to  his  telling  us  of  his  loss,  business  called 
him  to  Oberlin,  Ohio,  where  he  was  obliged  to  remain 
one  night. 

Upon  his  return  to  this  city  in  the  morning,  his  first 
thought  was  for  the  widow — of  the  pleasure  it  would 
give  him  to  meet  her  again,  after  an  absence  of  twenty 
hours — and  he  had  provided  a  very  fine  bouquet  for  the 
occasion,  to  convince  the  dear  creature  that. with  him  at 
least  it  was  not  "out  of  sight,  out  of  mind."  The 
swiftest  horses  were  employed  to  convey  him  from  the 
depot  to  the  house  containing  his  adored.  Arrived  at 
the  house,  he  rushed,  school-boy  fashion,  up  the  steps, 
through  the  hall,  up  another  flight  of  stairs,  and  into 
her  room,  to  find  her — gone,  and  his  $430  with  her. 

He  met  the  landlady  on  the  stairs  as  he  came  down, 
who,  in  answer  to  his  inquiries,  said  that  the  lady  had' 
packed  her  trunks  and  left  the  house  about  an  hour 
after  him  on  the  day  before,  and  that  she  said  she  was 
going  into  the  country  to  rusticate  until  her  husband 
returned  ! 

Our  friend  paid  the  bills  and  left  the  house,  a  wiser 
if  not  a  richer  man.  As  he  is  one  of  Fortune's  favor- 
ites, the  loss  of  the  money  don't  trouble  him ;  but,  as  he 
expresses  it,  "  that  he  should  be  bamboozled  by  a  dash- 
ing widow!" 


46  THE     DIDDLF.R. 

HOW  A  PHILADELPHIA  POLICEMAN" 

GOT   DIDDLED   BY   A   WIDOW    IN   TEAKS. 

A  WOMAN,  genteelly  dressed,  called  at  the  Mayor's 
office  in  Philadelphia,  and  appeared  to  be  in  deep  dis- 
tress, so  much  so  that  she  shed  tears  quite  freely,  and  a 
suit  of  deep  mourning  served  to  add  to  the  effect  pro- 
duced. She  represented  that  she  had  been  to  Washing- 
ton, to  get  the  body  of  her  dear  deceased  husband,  and 
that  her  port-in onnaie,  containing  all  the  money  she  had, 
was  stolen  in  one  of  the  cars  on  Pennsylvania  Avenue. 
She  further  represented  that  she  was  a  resident  of  ISTew 
York  State,  whither  she  was  going,  but  could  not  go  on 
without  some  assistance,  to  enable  her  to  pay  railroad 
fare,  etc.  She  had,  however,  a  money  order  on  the  Na- 
tional Bank  at  Jervisport,  N".  T.,  which  if  she  could  get 
cashed  would  place  her  in  funds. 

On  its  face  the  order  seemed  to  be  for  $90  50,  and 
Officer  Reeder  accompanied  her  to  a  broker's  office  on 
Third  street,  to  see  if  it  could  be  paid  there,  or,  if  not, 
whether  an  advance  could  not  be  obtained  upon  it.  As 
the  woman  was  unknown,  and  could  not  get  any  one  to 
vouch  for  her  character,  the  broker  refused  to  either 
cash  the  order  or  advance  any  money  upon  it. 

Policeman  Reeder,  then,  in  consideration  of  the 
woman's  situation,  advanced  $15  to  her,  the  money 
order  being  retained  as  security  for  the  advance. 

In  due  time  the  order  was  sent  to  the  bank  at  Jervis- 
port, through  the  broker  referred  to,  and  instead  of  8'*0 
50  being  returned,  there  came  back  but  $9  50.  The  order 
had  been  so  skillfully  altered  that  it  escaped  detection, 
until  it  reached  the  officers  of  the  Jervisport  Bank. 


THE    DIDDLER.  47 

The  woman  in  black  has  not  been  heard  from  since. 
The  policeman  is  out  of  pocket  $5  50,  unless  the  widow 
returns  and  makes  it  up. 


A  YERY  CLEYER  SWINDLE  BY  A  PAIR  OF 
DIDDLERS. 

A  DISINTERESTED  STAKEHOLDER  HAS  HIS  OPTICS  CLOSED  BY 
"SHOWERS  OF  THE  QUEER." 

AT  Detroit,  an  old  man  from  the  East,  who  refused  to 
give  his  name,  was  swindled  out  of  $40  in  the  most  ap- 
proved style.  lie  was  standing  on  the  sidewalk  in  front 
of  the  Russell  House,  when  two  strangers  came  along 
disputing  as  to  the  result  of  one  of  the  base  ball  games. 
They  talked  in  an  angry  tone  as  they  drew  near  him, 
and  finally  one  of  them  offered  to  bet  $15  that  he  was 
right,  and  proposed  to  put  the  stakes  in  the  old  man's 
hands,  while  they  went  up  stairs  to  find  out  who  was 
right. 

The  old  man  took  the  money,  two  $20  bills,  and  the 
sharpers  went  up  stairs,  leaving  it  in  his  hands.  Shortly 
afterward  they  returned,  one  of  them  acknowledging 
he  was  beaten,  and  demanded  the  stakes,  which  were 
immediately  given  up  to  the  winner.  The  proper 
change  could  not  be  made  by  the  fortunate  winner,  and 
he  asked  the  old  man  to  keep  the  two  twenties  and  give 
him  small  bills  for  them.  He  did  so,  and  the  two  left, 
after  thanking  him  for  his  kindness  in  acting  as  stake- 
holder, also  for  his  honesty  in  not  leaving  while  they 
were  gone,  and  treated  him  to  a  drink.  Shortly  after- 
ward he  had  occasion  to  pay  out  some  money,  and  pre- 


48  THE   DIDDLER. 

sented  one  of  his  $20  bills  in  payment  for  several  small 
articles  lie  had  purchased.  It  was  immediately  pro- 
nounced a  counterfeit,  and  an  examination  of  the  other 
bill  revealed  the  fact  that  it  was  worthless. 

The  old  gentleman  took  his  loss  with  the  greatest 
coolness,  and  made  no  complaint  to  the  police,  although, 
as  he  himself  says,  he  thought  he  was  a  d — euced  sight 
smarter  than  he  had  shown  himself.  He,  fortunately, 
has  plenty  of  money,  and  will  not  be  discommoded  by 
the  loss. 


A  BOGUS  DETECTIYE  YICTBIIZES  A  LIQUOR 
DEALER. 

A  WELL-DKESSED  fellow,  with  a  companion,  found  his 
way  into  a  bar-room  in  a  certain  city,  which  was  not 
effectually  closed,  and,  after  obtaining  a  glass  of  wine, 
he  informed  the  proprietor  of  the  place  that  he  was  a 
New  York  detective,  and  that  it  was  his  duty  to  arrest 
him  for  violating  the  Excise  law. 

At  this  juncture,  the  companion  alluded  to  suggested 
a  compromise.  The  "detective"  and  liquor  dealer  as- 
sented. Ten  dollars  was  thought  sufficient  by  the  liquor 
dealer ;  but  the  "  detective"  became  indignant  when 
offered  so  small  a  sum.  He  finally  accepted  $50. 


RUM-DIDDLE-DUM. 

Ox  a  winter  night,  I  was  riding  through  the  little 
town  of  Lowell,  Maine.  My  route  lay  along  upon  a 
high  ridge  of  land  between  the  Cold  Stream  Pond  and 


THE   DIDDLER.  49 

tlie  Passadumkeag  Stream.  The  large  full  moon  was 
*  just  rising  in  the  horizon,  looking  larger  than  ever. 
The  sleighing  was  excellent,  and  my  horse,  as  if  charmed 
by  the  scene,  was  trotting  off  at  a  brisk  rate,  when,  from 
some  cause,  he  suddenly  stopped.  On  looking  for  it,  I 
discovered  a  horse  and  sleigh,  driverless.  In  the  sleigh 
was  a  mysterious-looking  keg,  sole  master  of  the  pre- 
mises ;  and  upon  looking  for  the  driver,  I  found  that  in- 
dividual by  the  roadside.  The  keg  was  evidently  mas- 
ter of  him  as  of  the  sleigh.  He  was  muttering  some- 
thing to  himself  about  a  "  thundering  cold  fire,"  and 
blaming  an  imaginary  John  for  not  "  putting  on  more 
wood  I"  On  going  nearer  to  him,  f  found  that  he  was 
sitting  upon  the  snow,  his  feet  through  the  fence,  wann- 
ing them  at  the  moon  ! 


NO  SECOND  DIDDLE  FOR  PAT. 

"  A  BRIGHT  mornin'  to  your  fair  face,  Mistress  Mur- 
phy." 

"  "Well,  a  good  morning,  Pat." 

"  Och,  Mistress  Murphy,  whiniver  I  see  a  rale  shiny, 
Irish  mornin'  like  this,  it  puts  me  in  mind  of  the  ould 
country,  and  of  the  time  whin  I  lived  wid  yer  father — 
rest  his  sowl.  A  dacenter  man  niver  drew  breath,  and 
sorra  a  poor  crayther  niver  passed  his  door  without  a 
bit  or  a  sup." 

"  Troth  he  was,  Pat." 

"  Mistress  Murphy,"  pulling  a  flask  out  of  his  pocket, 
"  would  ye  thrust  me  for  a  half-pint  till  I  go  down  to 

the  wharf,  and  may fly  away  wid  the  roof  of  my 

jacket  but  I'll  pay  ye  before  the  sun  goes  to  bed  ?" 


50  THE    DIDDLEB. 

"  Burn  the  dhrap,  Pat,  till  ye  pay  for  the  half-pint  ye 
got  yesterday." 

"  Mistress  Murphy,"  said  Pat,  emphatically,  "  I  knew 
yer  mother,  and  she  was  an  ould  hod-carrier,  'un  yer 
father  was  a  dirty  washerwoman,  an'  I  seed  him  hauled 
with  six  roarin'  big  bulls  to  the  gallows,  ye  ould, 


Pat  sloped  in  double-quick  time,  with  a  pewter-mug 
at  his  heels. 


A  VERY  MEAN  DIDDLER. 

« 

A  CONFIDENCE   OPERATOR   ARRESTED. 

As  Detective  Thompson,  of  the  Twenty-seventh  Pre- 
cinct, New  York  city,  was  patrolling  through  West 
street,  he  noticed  Charles  Smith,  a  notorious  pocket- 
book  dropper  and  confidence  operator,  on  the  lookout 
for  a  victim.  Soon  William  Burgard,  a  newly-landed 
emigrant,  who  had  arrived  at  this  port  on  the  Northern 
Light,  came  along,  and  Smith  followed  him  closely,  and 
suddenly  dropped  a  package  made  up  to  resemble  gold 
coin  and  greenbacks,  close  to  Burgard's  heels.  This,  of 
course,  attracted  the  stranger's  attention,  and,  as  he 
turned  about,  Smith  informed  him  that  he  had  just 
found  a  package  containing  a  large  sum  of  money,  and, 
as  it  was  contrary  to  law  to  retain  anything  found  in 
that  manner,  he  proposed  to  sell  the  package  to  Bur- 
gard. 

The  emigrant  swallowed  the  bait  so  artfully  held  out 
by  the  confidence  operator,  and  followed  him  to  a 
secluded  spot  on  Pier  10,  North  River,  where  he  handed 
Smith  four  $20  gold  pieces  and  three  $10  Treasury  notes, 


THE   DIDDLER.  51 

in  exchange  for  which  he  received  the  package  in  pos- 
session of  the  confidence  man,  and  which  was  found  to 
consist  of  a  patent  medicine  advertisement  and  two 
notes  for  "  $100"  each  on  the  "Bank  of  Free  Love,  in 
the  State  of  Matrimony."  These  proceedings  had  been 
closely  watched  by  the  detective,  who,  when  the  bargain 
had  been  consummated,  stepped  in  and  arrested  the 
operator,  and  found  the  victim's  money  in  his  possession. 
Smith  was  arraigned  before  Justice  Hogan  at  the  Tombs 
and  committed  for  trial.  He  is  a  native  of  Germany, 
thirty  years  of  age.  He  has  been  a  very  successful 
operator,  and  victimized  a  great  many  emigrants  and 
countrymen. 


MR.  JEEEMIAH  DIDDLEK. 

THAT  WELL-KNOWN  GENTLEMAN  ON  HIS  TRAVELS — HE  PER- 
FORMS AN  OPERATION  IN  TROT,  BUT  DRAWS  IT  MILDER 
THAN  HE  MIGHT  HAVE  DONE. 

A  genteel  and  well-dressed  man,  representing  in  all 
respects  the  character  of  a  merchant  which  he  assumed, 
called  at  the  shirt  and  collar  establishment  of  Messrs. 
S.  A.  House  &  Sons,  Troy,  and  walking  up  to  the  senior 
partner,  addressed  him  very  familiarly  with  the  saluta- 
tion, "  Why,  how  do  you  do,  Mr.  House  ?"  Mr.  House 
did  not  remember  the  stranger,  at  which  the  latter  ex- 
pressed great  surprise,  saying  that  he  was  formerly  con- 
nected with  a  prominent  establishment  in  ISTew  York, 
and  had  purchased  at  different  times  large  amounts  of 
goods  of  him,  and  recalled  names  and  facts  with  such 
truthfulness  that  Mr.  House  inwardly  inveighed  against 
a  "  shocking  bad  memory,"  while  he  was  gradually  pre- 


52  THE   DIDDLER. 

paring  to  accept  as  gospel  truth  all  the  fellow  said  to 
him. 

After  some  conversation,  Mr.  II.  inquired  what  his 
visitor  was  doing  now,  and  was  informed  that  he  was 
a  partner  in  a  newly  established  house  in  the  metropo- 
lis, naming  the  firm,  and  would  look  over  his  stock  of 
goods,  with  an  eye  to  purchase  a  limited  quantity. 
The  goods  were,  of  course,  displayed,  and  the  sharper 
picked  out  a  quantity  amounting  in  the  aggregate  to 
$250.  He  desired  thirty  days'  time.  "  Are  you  re- 
ported ?"  inquired  Mr.  House.  "  Oh,  certainly,  sir," 
said  the  buyer,  and  upon  examining  the  register,  Mr. 
H.  found  that  the  firm  named  by  the  sharper  was  set 
down  as  A  No.  1.  Of  course  the  time  was  readily 
granted,  and  in  the  presence  of  the  stranger  the  goods 
were  packed  and  directed  to  the  New  York  establish- 
ment. Suddenly,  as  if  recollecting  himself,  the  stranger 
remarked  that  after  all  he  thought  he  would  not  want 
time  upon  the  goods — he  had  a  check  for  three  hundred 
dollars  in  his  pocket,  which  he  should  not  require,  and 
if  Mr.  H.  would  give  him  the  balance,  he  would  pay 
for  the  goods  at  once. 

The  check  was  drawn  in  the  name  of  the  firm,  and 
Mr.  House  paid  over  the  balance  of  $50,  with  which 
the  operator  departed,  enjoining  Mr.  H.  to  ship  the  goods 
at  once  to  New  York.  The  goods  were  sent,  and  the 
check  was  deposited  in  the  bank  for  collection.  In  a 
day  or  two  a  letter  was  received  from  the  New  York 
firm  by  the  Messrs.  House,  to  the  eifect  that  a  quantity 
of  goods  had  been  received  by  them  which  had  not  been 
ordered,  and  desiring  to  be  informed  of  the  circumstan- 
ces. The  next  day  brought  a  letter  in  regard  to  the 
check.  That,  too,  had  been  received  ;  it  was  a  forgery. 


THE   DIDDLER.  53 

If  Mr.  House  had  not  previously  suspected  from  the 
tenor  of  the  first  letter  that  he  had  been  victimized,  he 
was  now  positively  assured  of  it ;  but  as  the  firm  which 
had  received  the  goods  very  generously  offered  to  accept 
them,  he  will  not  in  any  event  be  a  loser  to  the  extent 
of  more  than  the  $50  balance  between  the  bill  and  the 
forged  check.  The  operation  was  very  ingeniously  con- 
ceived, and  most  adroitly  executed.  After  the  fellow 
demonstated  his  status  so  finely,  it  is  not  too  much  to 
say  that  he  might  have  victimized  even  the  sagacious 
House  to  a  much  larger  extent  than  he  did. 


AT   PHILADELPHIA. 

A  MAN,  said  to  be  red-faced,  red-whiskered,  and 
pursy,  with  the  air  of  a  grandee,  went  to  Philadelphia, 
and  obtained  the  services  of  about  fifty  Germans — who 
were  far  from  being  in  even  moderate  circumstances, 
and  then  out  of  work — to  pluck  peaches  for  him  in  his 
extensive  orchards  near  Delaware  City.  Only  too  re- 
joiced to  get  something  to  do,  these  fifty  Germans  gave 
their  assent,  and,  headed  by  their  new-found  employer, 
entered  the  railroad  depot,  from  which  they  were  to 
take  the  train  for  Delaware  City. 

Before  entering  the  cars,  our  large-faced  but  small- 
hearted  man  went  to  each  of  his  employes  and  collected 
$1  16  to  pay  their  fare  as  a  party,  he  averred.  This 
sum  each  gave  willingly  out  of  their  magic  purses, 
which  they  hoped  to  well  replenish  soon  ;  and  this  in- 
dividual.rcceived  about  $65  in  all. 


54  THE   DIDDLEB. 

The  train  started  with  the  party,  and  when  about  five 
miles  out  the  conductor  came  for  his  fare.  The  Ger- 
mans referred  him.  to  their  employer ;  but  he,  to  their 
great  astonishment,  was  nowhere  to  be  found.  The 
whole  party  were  put  off  the  train,  and  after  waiting 
long  and  anxiously  for  their  quondam  friend  and  sup- 
posed benefactor,  who  never  came,  the  truth  burst  upon 
them  that  they  had  been  swindled  out  of  what  little 
they  possessed,  and  were  many  miles  away  from  their 
homes,  with  the  darkness  of  night  all  around  them. 


A  PETTY  DIDDLER 

A  WELL-DKESSED  man  called  at  the  furniture  store  of 
E.  Minzesheimer,  No.  877  Sixth  Avenue,  New  York 
city,  and  purchased  a  chair  for  $2  50,  for  which  he  ten- 
dered a  $50  bill  in  payment.  The  person  in  charge  of 
the  store  did  not  have  sufficient  change  for  the  bill.  The 
man  then  told  him  to  send  the  chair  to  No.  18  East 
Forty-ninth  street.  The  chair  was  accordingly  sent  to 
the  place  indicated,  but  nobody  there  knew  anything 
about  it,  and  the  boy  returned  to  the  store. 

Soon  after  the  man  came  into  the  store  again  and  told 
the  person  in  charge  that  the  lady  had  returned  home, 
and  the  chair  should  be  sent  to  the  house  again  with 
sufficient  change  for  a  $20  bill.  The  lad  started  with 
the  chair  and  $17  50  in  change,  and  when  near  the 
house  he  was  met  by  the  man,  who  relieved  him  of  the 
chair  and  money,  and  gave  him  nothing  in  return,  and 
then  decamped. 


THE   DIDDLER.  55 

SILVER  COIN  DIDDLER. 

HE    PLAYS    THE    MYSTERIOUS    DREAM    DODGE    ON    A   HOSPI- 
TABLE FARMER. 

A  STRANGER  once  stopped  at  a  farm-house  in  Paris, 
Ohio,  and  asked  permission  to  stay  over  night,  which 
was  readily  granted  by  the  hospitable  farmer.  A 
couple  of  hours  after  retiring  for  the  night,  the  stranger 
was  taken  suddenly  and  violently  ill,  and  for  several 
days  was  apparently  deranged. 

On  his  recovery. he  informed  his  host  that  during  his 
illness  he  had  dreamed  three  nights  in  succession  that 
he  had  discovered,  in  a  certain  ravine  near  the  house, 
under  a  rock,  an  earthen  crock  containing  a  large 
amount  of  silver.  At  this  the  old  gentleman  expressed 
surprise,  and  spoke  of  it  as  being  a  very  mysterious 
dream.  Afterward,  however,  they  were  walking  toge- 
ther in  that  direction,  and  the  dream  was  again  ad- 
verted to  by  the  stranger.  An  examination  was  at  once 
proposed  by  the  farmer,  to  satisfy  their  curiosity. 

The  rock  was  soon  found,  and  after  brushing  the 
leaves  carefully  away,  it  was  removed,  and,  to  their 
utter  amazement,  there  set  a  crock  full  of  silver.  They 
took  it  out  and  conveyed  it  secretly  to  the  house,  and  on 
examination  it  was  found  to  contain  four  hundred  dol- 
lars, all  in  half  dollars,  which  they  agreed  to  divide 
equally  between  them. 

The  day  after  this  discovery,  as  the  stranger  was  about 
to  take  his  leave,  he  complained  to  his  benefactor  of  the 
inconvenience  of  carrying  so  much  silver,  when  an  ex- 
change was  proposed,  the  stranger  receiving  two  hun- 
dred and  fifty  dollars  in  greenbacks  for  his  share  of  the 


56  THE   DIDDLER. 

coin,  silver  then  being  at  a  premium  of  about  fifty  per 
cent. 

It  was  not  long  after  the  departure  of  his  guest,  how- 
ever, till  mine  host  made  another  discovery — his  four 
hundred  dollars  in  silver  were  counterfeit !  and  he  had 
thus  been  ingeniously  swindled  out  of  two  hundred  and 
fifty  dollars.  The  story  was  kept  quiet  for  several 
months,  but  it  finally  leaked  out. 


A  BOLD  DIDDLER. 

A  CAMP  meeting,  or  something  similar,  is  to  be  held 
at  a  certain  spot  which  is  accessible  only  by  means  of 
a  free  bridge.  A  diddler  stations  himself  upon  this 
bridge,  respectfully  informs  all  passers  by  of  the  new 
county  law,  which  establishes  a  toll  of  one  cent  for  foot 
passengers,  two  for  horses  and  donkeys,  and  so  forth, 
and  so  forth.  Some  grumble,  but  all  submit,  and  the 
diddler  goes  home  a  wealthier  man  by  some  fifty  or  sixty 
dollars  well  earned.  This  taking  a  toll  from  a  great 
crowd  of  people  is  an  exceedingly  troublesome  thing. 


A  DIDDLER  A^D  HIS  DOG. 

A  FRIEND  holds  one  of  the  diddler's  promises  to  pay, 
filled  up  and  signed  in  due  form,  upon  the  ordinary 
blanks  printed  in  red  ink.  The  diddler  purchases  one 
or  two  dozen  of  these  blanks,  and  every  day  dips  one  of 
them  in  his  soup,  makes  his  dog  jump  for  it,  and  finally 
gives  it  to  him  as  a  lonne  bouche.  The  note  arriving  at 


THE   DIDDLER.  57 

maturity,  the  diddler,  with  the  diddler's  dog,  calls  upon 
the  friend,  and  the  promise  to  pay  is  made  the  topic  of 
discussion.  The  friend  produces  it  from  his  escritoire, 
and  is  in  the  act  of  reaching  it  to  the  diddler.  when  up 
jumps  the  diddler's  dog  and  devours  it  forthwith.  The 
diddler  is  not  only  surprised  but  vexed  and  incensed  at 
the  absurd  behavior  of  his  dog,  and  expresses  his  entire 
readiness  to  cancel  the  obligation  at  any  moment  when 
the  evidence  of  the  obligation  shall  be  forthcoming. 


A  VERY  MINUTE  DIDDLE. 

A  LADY  is  insulted  in  the  street  by  a  diddler's  accom- 
plice. The  diddler  himself  flies  to  her  assistance,  and, 
giving  his  friend  a  comfortable  thrashing,  insists  upon 
attending  the  lady  to  her  own  door.  He  bows,  with  his 
hand  upon  his  heart,  and  most  respectfully  bids  her 
adieu.  She  entreats  him,  as  her  deliverer,  to  walk  in 
and  be  introduced  to  her  brother  and  papa.  With  a  sigh, 
he  declines  to  do  so. 

"  Is  there  no  way,  then,  sir,"  she  murmurs,  "  in  which 
I  may  be  permitted  to  testify  my  gratitude  ?" 

"  Why,  yes,  madam,  there  is.  Will  you  be  kind 
enough  to  lend  me  a  couple  of  shillings  ?" 

In  the  first  excitement  of  the  moment  the  lady  decides 
upon  fainting  outright.  Upon  second  thought,  however, 
she  opens  her  purse  strings  and  delivers  the  specie. 

Now,  this,  I  say,  is  a  minute  diddle — for  one  entire 
moiety  of  the  sum  borrowed  has  to  be  paid  to  the  gen- 
tleman who  had  the  trouble  of  performing  the  insult,  and 
who  had  then  to  stand  still  and  be  thrashed  for  perform- 
ing it. 

3* 


58  THE   DIDDLER. 


A  YOUNG  scamp,  boarding  at  one  of  the  hotels,  in  San 
Francisco,  had  managed  for  a  long  time,  by  one  artifice 
or  another,  to  postpone  the  payment  of  his  bill.  At  last 
the  landlord  became  quite  impatient,  and  stepping  up  to 
his  boarder,  slapping  him  gently  on  the  shoulder,  asked 
him  for  some  money. 

"  I  have  not  a  red  cent  about  me  at  present,"  was  the 
laconic  reply. 

"  But,  my  dear  sir,"  said  the  landlord,  "  I  cannot  afford 
to  keep  a  boarding-house  without  being  paid." 

"Well,  sir,"  exclaimed  the  young  philosopher,  "if 
you  cannot  afford  it,  sell  out  to  some  one  who  can." 


UNSUCCESSFUL  DIDDLER  IN  BOSTON. 

RECENTLY  a  man  named  Alfred  Watson,  thirty-eight 
years  of  age,  was  arrested  in  the  Campbell  House,  Wil- 
son's lane,  on  the  charge  of  forging  the  names  of  four  or 
five  firms  in  Boston,  to  checks  for  different  amounts,  and 
obtaining  goods  to  the  amount  of  $2,773  75  on  the  spuri- 
ous paper,  all  of  which  (principally  sewing  silks)  has 
been  recovered. 

Watson  was  arrested,  and  hails  from  St.  Louis.  He 
brought  t>ne  colored  man  with  him,  and  hired  another 
for  the  day  immediately  after  his  arrival  there.  His 
mode  of  obtaining  goods,  it  seems,  was  to  visit  a  store 
and  lay  out  a  bill  of  goods,  saying  he  would  call  for  them 
next  day.  Instead  of  calling  himself,  he  sent  the  two 
colored  men  to  the  different  places  named,  with  a  bogus 


THE   DIDDLER.  59 

note  and  check  for  each  for  the  amount  of  the  bill,  in 
whatever  name  he  might  have  made  the  purchase. 

It  is  believed  that  every  dollar's  worth  of  property  he 
obtained  has  been  recovered.  One  of  a  firm  whom  he 
attempted  to  swindle  had  his  suspicions  excited  when 
the  colored  man  offered  him  the  note  containing  the 
check,  which  he  sent  to  Heyes  Brothers  &  Co.,  to  ascer- 
tain if  it  was  genuine.  As  soon  as  the  messenger  left  with 
the  check,  the  colored  man,  being  the  one  who  came 
with  Watson,  took  to  his  heels,  and  fled  for  the  Campbell 
House,  pursued  by  a  clerk,  but  he  effected  his  escape. 
The  man  hired  there  was  locked  up  as  a  witness. 


AN  UPPER  CKUST  DIDDLER. 

AN  "  ARTFUL  DODGER  "  DODGES  TO  THE  TUNE  OF  $10,000. 

IN  the  summer  of  1867,  Detective  Yaughan,  of  New 
York  city,  was  ordered  to  work  up  a  case  of  horse  steal- 
ing, which,  for  the  audacity  displayed  by  the  thief, 
deserves  special  mention.  A  gay  and  stylish-looking 
young  man,  who  gave  his  name  as  H.  E.  Adams,  called 
at  a  livery  stable,  corner  of  Fourth-street  and  Lafayette 
Place,  and  engaged  a  light  wagon  and  horse,  which  he 
ordered  to  be  sent  to  the  Spingler  House,  in  Union 
Square,  near  Fourteenth-street.  The  proprietor  was 
about  to  send  the  finest  horse  in  his  establishment  at 
first,  as  he  thought  the  young  man  would  be  better 
pleased  by  the  attention  thus  paid  him ;  but  on  second 
thoughts  did  not,  but  forwarded  a  very  fine  light  car- 
riage. "When  the  stable  man  arrived  at  the  Spingler 
House  with  the  turn-out,  he  met  Mr.  "  Adams  "  stand- 


60  THE   DIDDLER. 

ing  on  the  stoop,  pulling  on  his  kids.  Evening  came  on, 
on  Friday,  but  the  Lafayette  Place  stable-keeper  could  not 
Bee  anything  of  his  horse  and  wagon.  About  ten  o'clock 
in  the  evening,  however,  a  stable-keeper  in  Seventy -first 
street,  near  Third  avenue,  arrived  at  the  Lafayette  Place 
establishment  with  the  horse  of  the  proprietor,  which 
had  been  hired  to  the  aristocratic  "  Adams."  He  said 
that  "  Adams "  had  called  upon  him  and  ordered  him 
to  give  him  a  better  horse,  for  which  favor  he 
would  pay  him  his  own  price,  and  that  he  would 
add  to 'his  obligations  did  he  take  the  Lafayette  Place 
horse  to  his  stables.  The  result  of  this  neat  manosuvre 
was,  that  "  Adams  "  secured  a  splendid  horse  from  one 
establishment,  and  as  splendid  a  carriage  from  the  other. 
Since  this  nice  little  game  was  play ed,  Detective  Yaugh an 
has  been  looking  for  "Adams,"  and  said  "  Adams  "  is  not. 
It  has  been  ascertained  that  the  rascal  has  been  carrying 
on  this  dodge  for  several  years  past,  and  it  is  alleged  that 
his  ill-gotten  gains  from  its  successful  issue,  amounts  tq. 
$12,000. 

A  DIDDLER  OX  HIS  TRAVELS. 

HE  FALLS  IN  LOVE  WITH  AN  IOWA   LADY.  MARRIES  HER,  AND 
BRINGS  UP  IN  JAIL. 

AN  accomplished  and  beautiful  young  lady  of  Belle- 
vne,  Iowa,  was  married  to  a  young  man  who  was 
smitten  by  her  charms  as  he  saw  her  on  the  levee  one 
day  while  the  boat  was  passing.  He  learned  her  name 
and  opened  a  correspondence  with  her,  which  resulted 
in  marriage.  What  happened  after  that  is  tcld  by  the 
St.  Louis  ';  Democrat,"  as  follows : 


THE   DIDDLER.  61 

Frank  Marsden,  alias  Morton,  was  arrested  by  officer 
Jaques,  on  a  telegram  received  from  Brick  Pomeroy,  of 
the  La  Cross  "  Democrat,"  offering  a  reward  of  $100  for 
his  arrest.  The  man  is  charged  with  falsely  represent- 
ing himself  as  an  authorized  agent  of  the  "Democrat," 
obtaining  railroad  passes  as  such,  and  other  indiscre- 
tions. 

The  officer  found  Captain  Marsden,  as  he  styles  him- 
self, hard  at  work  as  an  upholsterer,  in  the  shop  of  F. 
Darke,  on  Olive-street,  between  Twelfth  and  Thirteenth. 
There  is  a  touch  of  romance  in  the  history  of  this  man 
which  shows  that  he  has  a  taking  way  with  the  ladies 
as  well  as  with  newspaper  editors.  It  is  stated  that  some 
time  ago,  at  Belle vue,  Iowa,  he  saw  some  young  ladies 
looking  at  a  steamboat  which  was  in  the  act  of  landing. 

O  O 

He  became  interested  with  one  of  them,  a  beautiful  and 
highly  respectable  girl  of  about  seventeen  years.  He 
asked  a  gentleman  to  tell  him  the  name  of  the  fair  girl 
and  having  learned  it,  he  sat  down  and  wrote  a  letter 
to  his  charmer,  full  of  protestations  of  love,  and  all  that 
sort  of  nonsense.  The  girl  read,  believed,  felt  flattered, 
and  a  correspondence  ensued,  ending  in  an  engagement 
of  marriage.  A  short  time  after  Marsden  went  up  to 
Bellevue,  married  the  imprudent  young  lady,  and 
brought  her  to  this  city.  The  following  night  the  young 
wife  visited  her  husband  at  the  station  house,  and  wept 
bitterly  on  discovering  the  character  of  the  man  she  had 
sworn  to  love  through  life.  She  happened  to  have 
friends  in  the  city,  and  one  of  them  took  charge  of  her, 
and  sent  her  back  to  her  parents  in  Iowa.  Romantic 
young  ladies  and  school  girls  who  delight  in  anonymous 
correspondence,  should  learn  a  lesson  from  the  experience 
of  this  unfortunate  young  woman. 


62  THE    DIDDLER. 

AN  OLD  GERMAN  GENT 

IS    "  DONE  "    OUT   OF   $250   BY   HIS   EMPLOYERS. 

Two  men,  who  gave  their  names  as  Saunders  and 
Adams,  rented  the  office  No.  34  Pearl  street,  Buffalo, 
for  the  purpose,  as  they  declared,  of  carrying  on  a  real 
estate  and  insurance  business,  paying  them  the  sum  of 
$19  in  advance.  They  furnished  the  office  with  five  or 
six  dollars'  worth  of  chairs  and  other  stuff,  and  adver- 
tised for  a  clerk  who  understood  German.  The  adver- 
tisement was  answered  by  an  elderly  gentleman  of  the 
Teutonic  faith,  and  he  was  engaged  at  a  stipulated  salary, 
having  first,  in  compliance  with  the  demand  of  Messrs. 
Saunders  &  Adams,  deposited  with  them  the  sum  of 
$250  "  as  security."  In  pursuance  of  these  arrangements, 
the  elderly  gentleman  went  down  to  the  place  of  busi- 
ness on  Tuesday  morning  last,  and  "  opened  the  office." 
Business  was  not  very  good,  and  the  clerk  grew  im- 
patient at  the  non-appearance  of  his  employers.  They 
came  not ;  they  have  not  come  yet ;  neither  have  they 
been  heard  from  ;  and  ye  clerk  mourneth  the  loss  of  his 
situation  and  his  $250. 


A  SMALL,  BUT  SCIENTIFIC  DIDDLE. 

THE  diddler  approaches  the  bar  of  a  tavern,  and  de- 
mands a  couple  of  twists  of  tobacco.  These  are  handed 
to  him,  when,  having  slightly  examined  them,  he  says  : 

"  I  don't  much  like  this  tobacco.  Here,  take  it  back 
and  give  me  a  glass  of  brandy  and  water  in  its  place." 


THE    DIDDLER.  63 

The  brandy  and  water  is  furnished  and  imbibed,  and 
the  diddler  makes  his  way  to  the  door  ;  but  the  voice  of 
the  tavern  keeper  arrests  him. 

"  I  believe,  sir,  you  have  forgotten  to  pay  for  your 
brandy  and  water." 

"  Pay  for  my  brandy  and  water ! — didn't  I  give  you 
the  tobacco  for  the  brandy  and  water?  What  more 
would  you  have?" 

"  But,  sir,  if  you  please,  I  don't  remember  that  you 
paid  for  the  tobacco." 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  that,  you  scoundrel  ?  Didn't 
I  give  you  back  your  tobacco  ?  Isn't  that  your  tobacco 
lying  there  ?  Do  you  expect  me  to  pay  for  what  I  did 
not  take?" 

"  But,  sir,"  says  the  publican,  now  rather  at  a  loss 
what  to  say,  "  but,  sir  " — 

"  But  me  no  buts,  sir,"  interrupts  the  diddler,  appa- 
rently in  very  high  dudgeon,  and  slamming  the  door 
after  him  as  he  makes  his  escape.  "  But  me  no  buts, 
sir,  and  none  of  your  tricks  upon  travelers." 


A  SHAEP  DIDDLER. 

A  PURSE  or  pocket-book  being  lost,  the  loser  inserts  in 
one  of  the  daily  papers  of  a  large  city  a  fully  descriptive 
advertisement. 

Whereupon  our  diddler  copies  the  facts  of  the  adver- 
tisement, with  a  change  of  heading,  of  general  phrase- 
ology and  address.  The  original,  for  instance,  is  long 
and  verbose,  is  headed  "  A  Pocket-book  Lost,"  and  re. 
quires  the  treasure  when  found,  to  be  left  at  No.  1  Tom 


64  THE   DIDDLER. 

street.  The  copy  is  brief,  and  being  headed  with 
"  Lost "  only,  indicates  No.  2  Dick,  or  No.  3  Harry 
street,  as  the  locality  at  which  the  owner  may  be  seen. 
Moreover,  it  is  inserted  in  at  least  five  or  six  of  the  daily 
papers  of  the  day,  while  in  point  of  time  it  makes  its 
appearance  only  a  few  hours  after  the  original.  Should 
it  be  read  by  the  loser  of  the  purse,  he  would  hardly 
suspect  it  to  have  any  reference  to  his  own  misfortune. 
But,  of  course,  the  chances  are  five  or  six  to  one,  that 
the  finder  will  repair  to  the  address  given  by  the  diddler, 
rather  than  to  that  pointed  out  by  the  rightful  propri- 
etor. The  former  pays  the  reward,  pockets  the  treasure 
and  decamps. 


DIAMOND  DIDDLER. 

A  LADY  of  ton  has  dropped,  somewhere  in  the  street, 
a  diamond  ring  of  very  unusual  value.  For  its  recovery, 
she  offers  some  forty  or  fifty  dollars  reward — giving  in 
her  advertisement,  a  very  minute  description  of  the  gem, 
and  of  its  settings,  and  declaring  that,  upon  its  restora- 
tion to  No.  so  and  so,  in  such  and  such  avenue,  the 
reward  will  be  paid  instanter,  without  a  single  question 
being  asked.  During  the  lady's  absence  from  home,  a 
day  or  two  afterward,  a  ring  is  heard  at  the  door  of  No. 
so  and  so,  in  such  and  such  avenue.  A  servant  appear?, 
the  lady  of  the  house  is  asked  for  and  is  declared  to  be 
out ;  at  which  astounding  information  the  visitor  ex- 
presses the  most  poignant  regret.  His  business  is  of 
importance  and  concerns  the  lady  herself.  In  fact,  he 
had  the  good  fortune  to  find  her  diamond  ring.  But, 
perhaps  it  would  be  as  well  that  he  should  call  again. 


THE   DIDDLEB.  65 

"  By  no  means  !"  says  the  servant ;  and  "  By  no  means  !" 
says  the  lady's  sister  and  the  lady's  sister-in-law,  who 
are  summoned  forthwith.  The  ring  is  clamorously  iden- 
tified, the  reward  is  paid,  and  the  finder  is  nearly  thrust 
out  of  doors.  The  lady  returns,  and  expresses  some  lit- 
tle dissatisfaction  with  her  sister  and  sister-in-law,  be- 
cause they  happen  to  have  paid  forty  or  fifty  dollars  for  a 
fac-simile  of  her  diamond  ring — a  fac-simile  made  out 
of  real  pinchbeck  and  unquestionable  paste. 


E7EKY  MAN,  WOMAN  AND  CHILD 

SHOULD   READ   "  THE  PAPERS,"   AND   NOT  RELY  ALTOGETHER 
ON   THE   BIBLE   FOR   NEWS. 

DANIEL  II.  MILLER,  hailing  from  Waterford,  Erie 
County,  Penn.,  was  swindled  out  of  $225  in  Detroit,  by 
the  check  game.  Miller  had  been  up  in  Genesee 
County,  where  he  had  sold  a  parcel  of  land  for  $225, 
which  he  had  sewed  up  in  his  vest.  A  man  who  had 
been  traveling  with  him  on  the  cars  from  the  country, 
walked  along  with  him  toward  the  boat  for  Chicago, 
which  Miller  was  to  take  passage  on,  and  when  near  the 
boat  they  were  met  by  another  "  gentleman,"  who 
asked  Miller's  companion  for  the  money  due  on  some 
goods.  The  other  said  he  had  nothing  but  a  check  for 
$2,500,  and  that  was  of  no  use  until  morning ;  but  he 
thought  Miller  would  oblige  him  with  a  loan  of  some 
money  until  then. 

Miller  unsuspectingly  let  the  sharpers  cut  the  money 
out  of  his  vest,  when  the  two  operators  went  away,  tell- 
ing Miller  to  be  at  the  bank  to-morrow,  in  time  to  get 


66  THE     DIDDLEB. 

his  money.  After  a  while  Miller  began  to  think  that  all 
was  not  right,  and  he  informed  an  officer  of  the  affair, 
who  took  him  to  the  station,  where  he  told  his  story,  but 
he  was  unable  to  describe  the  men.  He  seemed  utterly 
cast  down,  as  it  was  all  the  money  he  had  in  the  world, 
and  he  intended  to  buy  him  a  few  acres  of  land  in  Penn- 
sylvania. When  asked  if  he  had  read  the  newspapers, 
he  said  that  he  read  nothing  but  the  Bible,  and  the 
result  is  that  he  is  $225  out. 


HOW  LORD  THURLOW  DIDDLED 

A   HORSE  DEALER. 

WHEN  Thurlow  began  his  legal  career,  he  was  at  his 
wits'  end  to  procure  a  horse,  without  which  he  could  not 
have  gone  on  circuit.  He  had  obtained  his  wig  and 
other  paraphernalia  on  "  tick,"  but  how  was  he  to  get 
credit  from  that  peculiarly  sharp  specimen  of  British 
merchants,  the  horse-dealer  ?  By  dint  of  impudence  and 
cleverness  he  succeeded.  Entering  the  yard  of  one  of 
the  species,  he  called  in  authoritative  tones  for  "  a  very 
superior  roadster."  The  price  was  no  consideration. 
"  Show  me  a  horse  that  you  can  recommend,  and  if  I 
like  him  after  trial,  I'll  have  him  at  your  own  price." 
The  bold,  imperious  manner  of  the  young  scamp  imposed 
an  the  tradesman ;  a  strong  and  serviceable  hackney  was 
saddled ;  the  young  barrister  was  mounted,  and  forth- 
with rode  off  on  circuit  to  Winchester.  Before  the 
owner  saw  the  steed  again,  it  had  carried  the  impudent 
and  unscrupulous  young  lawyer  to  every  town  on  the 
western  circuit.  It  can  excite  no  surprise,  though  it 


THE   DIDDLEB.  67 

reflects  lasting  infamy  on  the  hero  of  the  story,  to  learn 
that  the  delivery  of  the  horse  was  accompanied  with  a 
note  from  Thnrlow  to  the  effect  that  "  the  animal,  not- 
withstanding some  good  points,  did  not  altogether 
suit  him."  * 


DIDDLER  IN  THE  COAL  BUSINESS. 

A  GENTLEMAN  in  Thirteenth-street,  New  York  city,  was 
waited  upon  by  an  individual  who  represented  that  he 
had  two  tuns  of  coal  aboard  of  a  vessel,  and,  having  no 
use  for  it,  was  anxious  to  dispose  of  it  at  $4  a  tun.  The 
gentleman  consented  to  the  purchase,  and  in  the  after- 
noon a  tun  reached  the  residence.  The  individual  was 
on  hand,  and  when  the  coal  was  put  in,  demanded  $4 
of  the  occupant,  which  amount  was  paid  to  him.  Later 
in  the  day  another  tun  arrived,  and  with  it  came  a  bill 
for  two  tuns  of  coal  purchased  from  a  coal-yard  in  the 
vicinity.  The  buyer  set  about  making  an  investigation, 
and  to  his  astonishment,  found  that  he  had  been  victim- 
ized. The  swindler  had  ordered  the  coal  from  a  neigh- 
boring yard,  and  had  given  instructions  to  send  it  to 
such  a  residence. 


DIDDLER  IN  THE  SHOE  BUSINESS. 

ONE   OF   THE   LATEST  TRICKS. 

THE  ingenuity  of  the  thieving  or  diddling  fraternity 
would  almost  seem  to  be  inexhaustible,  for  scarcely  a 
week  passes  without  the  reading  public  being  startled 
or  amused  by  the  revelation  of  some  new  dodge  to  cir- 
cumvent the  law  of  meum  et  tuum.  A  Bolton,  Mass.,  shoe 


68  THE     DIDDLER. 

dealer  was  made  the  victim  of  a  most  daring  and  yet  a 
somewhat  ingenious  trick.  A  tall  man,  having  the  ap- 
pearance of  a  member  of  one  of  the  building  trades, 
entered  his  shop,  and  desired  to  be  shown  a  pair  of 
shoes  of  the  best  quality.  A  pair  was  at  once  sub- 
mitted to  his  inspection,  but  they  were  pronounced  to 
be  not  quite  good  enough.  He  wanted  a  pair  of  the 
best  quality  the  tradesman  had  in  his  shop  ;  the  price 
was  not  of  the  slightest  consequence.  A  pair  was  next 
reached  from  the  shelf,  which  the  tradesman  pronounced 
to  be  equal  to  any  that  could  be  purchased  in  Bolton  ; 
the  price  was  twenty-four  shillings. 

The  man  tried  them  on,  and  found  them  to  be,  as  he 
expressed  it,  "just  the  ticket;"  therefore  he  would  be- 
come the  purchaser,  keep  them  on  his  feet  and  leave  the 
old  "  leathers"  to  be  repaired. 

Whilst  the  tradesman  was  on  his  knees  feeling  at  the 
new  shoes,  and  satisfying  himself  that  the  fit  was  admi- 
rable, a  fellow  who  had  been  loafing  about  the  door  for 
some  minutes  rushed  into  the  shop,  and  at  one  blow 
knocked  the  customer  to  the  floor. 

The  tradesman  was  almost  panic-stricken  ;  but  the  man 
who  had  been  knocked  down  jumped  to  his  feet  in- 
stanter,  and  started  in  pursuit  of  his  assailant,  who  was 
tearing  away  at  a  rapid  rate  across  the  market  square. 

"  My  word,"  exclaimed  the  shoe  dealer,  as  he  rushed 
to  the  door  to  witness  the  chase,  "  but  if  he  catches  yon 
ruffian  he'll  make  him  hutch." 

The  two  men  soon  disappeared  down  Oxford  street, 
and  they  may  be  running  yet  for  ought  that  is  known  to 
the  contrary.  Certain  it  is  that  the  shoe  dealer  lias 
never  seen  one  or  the  other  since,  nor  the  color  of  his 
money. 


THE    D1DDLER.  69 


*  HOW  HE  DONE  THE  TAILOE. 

"  WILL  you  pay  this  bill,  sir  ?"  said  a  tailor  to  a  did- 
dling fellow,  who  owed  him  a  pretty  long  bill. 

"  Do  you  owe  anybody  anything  ?"  said  he. 

"  No,  sir,"  said  the  tailor. 

"Then,  you  can  afford  to  wait ;"  and  off  walked  the 
tailor. 

A  day  or  two  afterwards  the  tailor  called  again. 

Diddler  was  not  at  his  wit's  end  yet.  So,  turning  to 
his  creditor,  he  said  : 

"  Are  you  in  debt  to  anybody  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  tailor. 

"  Why  don't  you  pay  2" 

"  I've  not  the  money." 

"  That's  just  my  case,  sir.  I  am  glad  to  see  that  you 
appreciate  my  condition  ;  give  us  your  hand  1" 


MADE    SUNDRY   PURCHASES  AND   BORROWED  A  TRIFLING  SUM 
OP   MONEY. 

A  VERDANT-LOOKING  man  entered  a  grocery  store  in 
Hartford,  Conn.,  and  wanted  to  make  sundry  purchases. 
He  was  very  particular  as  to  the  quality  of  everything. 

"  Have  you  got  any  molasses,  Mr.  Keeney  ? — not  mo- 
lasses I  don't  mean — syrup,  sir,  syrup  ?" 

Mr.  Keeney  had  got  just  that,  and  the  man  took  a 
gallon — and  bought  a  jug  to  put  it  in. 


70  THE     DIDDLER. 

"  Any  extra  mackerel,  Mr.  Keeney  ? — something  very 
nice  I  want." 

He  was  supplied  with  what  he  wanted,  and  then  con- 
tinued his  inquiries  for  this  thing  and  that,  until  he  had 
run  up  a  bill  of  about  $35. 

About  this  time  a  lad  entered  the  store,  somewhat  in 
a  hurry,  and  approaching  the  stranger,  had  a  moment's 
private  conversation  with  him,  when  the  latter  was  seen 
to  take  a  roll  of  bills  out  of  his  pocket. 

"  I  declare,"  said  he,  "  I  haven't  got  it,  but  hold  on  a 
minute !" 

At  this  he  went  up  to  Mr.  Keeney  and  said  : 

"  See  here,  my  wife  has  sent  up  my  boy  to  get  $9  35, 
with  which  she  wants  to  pay  a  dry  goods  bill  down 
town.  I  haven't  got  anything  less  than  a  820  ;  suppose 
you  let  the  boy  have  the  amount,  and  put  it  in  with  my 
bill,  and  I'll  pay  it  all  at  once." 

Mr.  Keeney  had  no  objection  to  this  arrangement, 
and  so  he  gave  the  boy  $9  35,  who  immediately  started 
off  to  reach  his  mother. 

"  There,  by  thunder  !"  ejaculated  the  rural  purchaser 
just  as  the  lad  departed,  "  I've  forgot  one  thing ;  have 
you  got  any  kerosene  ?" 

«  Yes." 

«  Is  it  first-rate  ?" 

"It  is." 

"  Well,  I'll  take  a  gallon.  I  brought  a  can  along  to 
get  it  in,  and  I'll  go  and  get  it  in  the  wagon." 

And  he  started,  since  which  time  he  has  not  been  seen 
in  the  vicinity  of  Mr.  Keeney 's  store. 


THE    DIDDLEB.  71 

*  A  PREACHER  SWINDLED  BY  A  LOTTERY. 

A  PREACHER  who  lives  in  a  distant  State,  and  whose 
cupidity  appears  to  have  got  the  better  of  his  judgment, 
writes  the  following  account  of  the  way  in  which  he  was 
swindled  by  some  sharpers  having  an  office  in  this  city. 
No  doubt,  there  are  hundreds  of  similar  cases,  and  we 
print  this  as  a  warning  to  persons  who  may  be  tempted 
in  a  like  manner. 

He  says  that  last  summer  a  New  York  firm  sent  out 
an  advertisement  of  a  gift  enterprise  that  appeared  on 
its  face  so  just  and  honorable  an  undertaking  that  he 
was  induced  to  send  them  ten  Collars  for  eleven  tickets. 
The  tickets  were  received,  and  soon  after  the  men  sent 
him  eight  more,  requesting  him  to  distribute  them.  His 
family  took  five,  and  three  of  his  neighbors  took  the 
others.  They  next  sent  sixteen  more  tickets,  which  the 
minister  returned. 

In  a  short  time  the  sixteen  tickets  were  sent  back  by 
the  lottery  men,  with  the  offer  that  if  the  minister  would 
pay  for  them,  and  did  not  draw  a  valuable  prize,  they 
would  make  him  a  handsome  present.  This  bait  took, 
and  ten  dollars  were  paid  for  them.  Another  sixteen 
tickets  were  finally  sent  to  this  greenhorn,  who  was  told 
that  they  were  the  last,  as  the  million  and  a  half  of 
tickets  had  been  sold.  If  ten  dollars  wer.e  sent  to  the 
lottery-men  they  guaranteed  the  minister  a  prize  worth 
two  hundred  dollars  at  the  grand  drawing,  which  was 
to  take  place  on  the  24th  of  October. 

The  money  was  sent,  and  the  various  sums  were  ac- 
knowledged. Early  in  November,  the  minister  received 
a  letter  saying  that  one  of  his  tickets  had  drawn  a  prize 


72  THE   DIDDLER. 

worth  two  hundred  dollars,  but  that  they  levied  five  per 
cent,  on  the  prizes,  and  that  ten  dollars  more  must  be 
sent  on  before  the  prize  would  be  forwarded.  This  ten 
dollars  was  also  sent,  but  was  never  acknowledged,  and 
the  minister  heard  nothing  more  from  his  friends. 

He  now  expresses  a  desire  to  come  to  Xew  York,  and 
prosecute  them,  but  his  journey  would  prove  fruitless. 
He  has  learned  a  lesson  which  may  be  worth  the  money 
it  cost  him.  At  all  events,  it  ought  to  prove  a  warning 
to  others.  If  any  one  offers  a  gold  watch  worth  one 
hundred  dollars  for  two  or  ten  dollars,  he  is  a  cheat,  and 
ought  to  be  avoided  as  much  as  a  pickpocket. 


DLDDLDsG  A  LAWYER 

THE   CLIENT   MORE   CUNNING   THAN   THE   COUNSEL. 

THE  shrewdest  men  are  sometimes  taken  in  by  the 
cunning  scoundrels  who  travel  about  the  country  and 
live  by  swindling  the  credulous.  Even  lawyers,  who 
know  a  thief  by  the  expression  of  his  eye,  are  sometimes 
victimized  by  their  clients.  One  of  these  criminal  law- 
yers, while  canvassing  the  St.  Louis  jail  in  search  of  a 
client,  came  across  a  fellow  whose  case  was  hopeless. 
The  prisoner  engaged  the  lawyer  to  defend  him,  and 
when  questioned  about  the  fee,  said  he  had  no  money 
with  him,  but  had  $500  in  his  trunk,  which  was  at  a 
farm  house  about  ten  miles  in  the  country.  He  gave 
the  lawyer  an  order  for  the  trunk,  and  the  learned  coun- 
sel loaned  his  client  $10  or  $15  for  present  use. 

The  lawyer  then  hired  a  buggy,  and  went  into  the 
country  after  the  trunk  with  the  8500  in  it.  He  could 


THE    DIDDLEB.  73 

not  find  the  house,  and  returned  to  the  city,  feeling  very 
oad.  Calling  at  the  jail  he  told  his  client  that  lie  had 
deceived  him,  but  the  prisoner  insisted  that  the  lawyer 
had  taken  the  wrong  road,  and  gave  such  minute  direc- 
tions about  finding  the  house,  that  the  lawyer  was  con- 
vinced of  his  sincerity,  and  after  making  another  small 
advance  to  his  client,  went  out  again  to  find  the  valua- 
ble trunk.  He  failed  again  to  find  the  house,  and  was 
now  thoroughly  satisfied  that  he  had  been  victimized. 
On  seeing  the  prisoner  again,  the  rogue  laughed  at  him, 
and  told  him  he  did  not  think  he  was  so  green.  The 
only  satisfaction  the  attorney  had  was  in  seeing  the 
thief  sent  to  the  penitentiary. 


DIDDLER  BROTHERS. 

A  COUNTRY  GENTLEMAN  FALLS  IN  WITH  THE  NEPHEW  OF 

A  GOVERNOR  AND  A  CONNECTION  OF  THE  ROTHSCHILDS 

AN  EXCHANGE  OF  GOOD  GREENBACKS  FOR  BAD  GOLD. 

IN  Rochester,  Kew  York,  an  illustrious  scion  of  a 
noble  ancestry,  by  name  at  least,  rejoicing  in  the  appel- 
lation of  Nimrod  Buckingham,  a  distant  relative  of  the 
duke,  as  well  as  an  heir  of  Anneke  Jans,  hailing  from 
Middletown,  Dauphin  County,  Penn.,  was  "  hons- 
woggled"  out  of  $108  by  a  nephew  of  Gov.  Geary,  of 
Pennsylvania,  and  his  partner  in  the  lumber  business, 
who  was  a  connection  of  one  of  the  Rothschilds,  of 
Europe,  and  minister  apparent  to  Sitka,  with  an  eye 
also  to  the  ice  trade.  Nimrod  had  cut  his  eye-teeth. 
He  had  traveled  and  read  the  Middletown  newspapers 
and  a  patent  medicine  almanac.  He  fell  in  with  the 


74  THE     DIDDLER. 

two  distinguished  gentlemen  above  mentioned  on  the 
train  from  Canada  West,  at  Suspension  Bridge,  by  over- 
hearing Gov.  Geary's  nephew  ask  the  descendant  of  the 
Rothschild  if  he  had  sold  his  lumber.  To  which  lie 
replied  in  the  affirmative,  and  at  good  prices. 

"  How  much  did  you  get  ?"  says  Geary. 

"  Fifteen  thousand  dollars,"  says  Sitka. 

"  "Where  is  it  to  be  delivered  ?" 

"  At  Rochester,"  says  Sitka. 

At  which  Nimrod,  of  Buckingham,  who  was  from  a 
lumber  as  well  as  a  coal  country,  chimed  in.  At  first 
the  distinguished  gentlemen  were  a  little  reserved  and 
shy  of  the  stranger,  but  as  lie  appeared  to  be  an  honest 
sort  of  fellow,  their  reserve  wore  away,  and  before  reach- 
ing Rochester,  the  trio  were  on  pretty  good  terms,  and 
Buckingham  was  a  "  hunky  boy." 

On  approaching  Rochester,  Sitka  had  to  meet  a  man 
at  Congress  Hall,  and  pay  him  for  the  transportation  of 
his  lumber.  Unfortunately,  all  his  money  was  in  gold, 
and  he  appealed  to  Geary  for  greenbacks  ;  but  Geary 
was  in  the  same  fix.  It  was  really  too  bad,  and  there 
was  no  exchange  office  near  the  depot.  What  should 
they  do  ?  Here  the  noble  Buckingham  came  to  the 
rescue,  and  with  an  eye  to  making  a  piece,  he  volun- 
teered to  let  Sitka  have  $108  in  greenbacks  for  the  four 
$20  gold  pieces  he  had  in  his  hands — an  exchange  Sitka 
thanked  him  for. 

The  bright  dreams  of  Buckingham  came  to  an  end 
when  he  found  that  he  had  been  taken  in  and  regularly 
done  for.  He  appealed  to  the  police,  but  the  train  was 
gone,  and  carried  with  it  his  brilliant  friends  and  his 
hard-earned  stamps.  His  gold  he  can  keep  as  a  relic  of 
bygone  days,  or  sell  it  for  old  brass.  In  the  meantime, 


THE    D1DDLER.  75 

he  declares  that  when  he  travels  again  he  will  buy  his 
tickets  through,  and  have  the  "  old  woman "  sew  his 
money  in  his  pantaloons,  so  that  to  obtain  it  will  require 
a  man  strong  enough  to  lift  him  out  of  a  "  cheer." 


NOT  TO  BE  DIDDLED. 

ARMING  WAITERS  WITH  FAMILY   SYRINGES  IN  ORDER  TO  PRE- 
VENT FRAUDS. 

BONIFACES  are  more  subject  to  imposition  from  pen- 
niless travelers  than  any  other  class  of  purveyors,  and 
it  must  be  admitted,  also  meet  with  less  sympathy  when 
they  are  taken  in.  If  what  we  hear  of  Vallejo  landlords 
be  true,  they  must  have  suffered  a  heap  of  martyrdom 
from  itinerant  Bohemians  before  they  resorted  to  their 
present  ingenious  measure  of  self-defense.  It  seems  that 
the  rule  adopted  there  is  to  pay  for  dinner  immediately 
upon  the  delivery  of  the  plate  of  soup.  A  fraudulent 
genius,  after  having  unsuccessfully  exploited  one  hotel, 
boldly  entered  the  Hashington  and  called  for  dinner. 
He  was  astonished  to  see  the  waiter  approach  him  with 
a  plate  of  soup  in  cne  hand,  a  towel  in  the  other,  and  a 
large  family  syringe  under  his  arm.  The  waiter  laid  the 
plate  of  soup  in  front  of  the  customer,  and  significantly 
placed  the  palm  of  hie  right  hand  under  the  nose  of  the 
hungry  customer.  As  our  friend  had  not  as  fet  tackled 
his  meal,  he  modestly  inquired  the  meaning  of  the  open 
hand. 

"  Pay  in  advance,"  was  the  terse  and  peremptory  reply 
of  the  waiter. 


76  THE   DIDDLER. 

"  Can't  you  wait  till  I  get  through  my  meal  first  ?" 

"  No,  sir.  Our  rules  are  positive.  On  delivery  of  the 
soup  plunge  down  the  cash." 

"  Singular  promptitude,"  he  muttered.  Then  redden- 
ing up  with  natural  indignation,  said  he, 

"  I  suppose  if  I  don't  pay  you,  you'll  brain  me  with 
that  bludgeon  pump  of  yours  ?" 

"  Not  at  all,  sir.  Through  this  instrument  we  secure 
our  business  on  a  cash  basis.  Your  money,  if  you 
please !" 

He  thought  he  had  the  dead-wood  on  the  soup  any- 
how, and  dipped  his  spoon  for  the  first  mouthful.  Be- 
fore the  spoon  reached  the  broth,  however,  he  was  trans- 
fixed at  seeing  the  waiter  coolly  introduce  the  point  of 
his  syringe  into  the  plate,  and  pulling  the  suction  handle 
out  to  its  fullest  extent,  the  soup  suddenly  disappeared, 
leaving  his  plate  as  empty  as  his  stomach.  He  turned 
around,  but  the  waiter  had  passed  to  another  customer, 
and  our  friend  left  the  establishment  in  disgust. 


HOW  FIELDING  DONE  A  JEW 

OUT   OF   TEN   GUINEAS. 

THE  following  anecdote  is  told  of  the  celebrated 
Henry  Fielding : 

"  The  son  of  one  Boaz  de  Paba,  a  celebrated  Jew,  was 
on  the  point  of  marrying  a  Christian  lady.  His  father 
made  no  objection  to  the  intended  wife's  religion,  but 
was  greatly  dissatisfied  with  the  match  on  account  of  her 
small  fortune,  in  consequence  of  which  he  refused  his 
consent.  The  son,  who  was  desperately  in  love,  threat- 


THE   DIDDLER.  77 

ened  that  he  would  marry  her  without  his  consent,  and 
the  father,  in  his  turn,  threatened  that  he  would  not 
give  him  a  shilling.  The  young  Jew  answered  that  he 
would  force  him  to  do  it ;  and  that  if  he  refused  dividing 
his  substance  with  him,  he  would  get  himself  baptized, 
to  enjoy  the  benefit  of  the  English  law,  which  (then) 
assigned  to  a  Jew  child  becoming  a  Christian  the  half 
of  the  father's  property.  Boaz,  confounded  at  this 
answer,  went  to  consult  Fielding,  to  know  if  such  a  law 
really  existed.  Fielding  told  him  that  it  did  exist,  and 
was  in  full  force ;  but  added,  if  he  would  give  him  ten 
guineas,  he  would  put  him  in  a  way  of  frustrating  his 
son's  hopes,  so  that  lie  should  not  be  able  to  get  a 
farthing.  Boaz  instantly  told  down  ten  guineas.  Field- 
ing, having  pocketed  the  money,  told  him  that  his  only 
remedy  was  to  "  turn  Christian  himself.' ': 


A  JEWELRY  DIDDLER. 

A  CONFIDENCE  man  went  to  a  jewelry  store  in  Boston, 
and  represented  himself  as  a  son  of  E.  Benjamin,  the 
New  Haven,  Ct.,  jeweler,  bought  $500  worth  of  dia- 
monds, and  had  them  sent  to  his  "  father  "  by  express, 
C.  O.  D.  He  then  told  the  man  of  whom  he  had  made 
his  purchase,  that  he  wanted  to  buy  some  jewelry  of 
another  firm  in  the  city,  and  asked  him  to  go  over  and 
introduce  him  to  the  firm.  Accordingly  lie  was  intro- 
duced as  Benjamin's  son,  bought  $400  worth  of  goods, 
and  ordered  them  to  be  sent  as  the  others  were,  but 
gave  in  payment  a  forged  check  on  Benjamin  for  $500, 
and  received  $100  in  good  money  as  change.  The  goods 


78  THE    DIDDLER. 

were  sent  to  their  destination,  but  were  repudiated  and 
sent  back  by  Benjamin,  when  the  Boston  man  discovered 
that  he  had  been  cleverly  swindled. 


A  COLORED   DIDDLER. 

A  COUNTRY  gentleman  of  color  went  to  Lynchbnrg, 
Va.,  and  sold  a  lot  of  tobacco  to  the  amount  of  $25, 
when,  being  accosted  by  a  town  practitioner  of  the 
same  color,  he  was  informed  that  he  must  join  "The 
League."  He  was  also  requested  to  entrust  his  new 
acquaintance  with  the  money,  who  agreed  to  put  it  in 
the  hands  of  "  the  general  who  would  give  him  $60  in 
gold  for  it  a  month."  He  was  tickled  with  this  idea ; 
gave  up  his  greenbacks  to  the  traveling  depository,  who 
has  not  since  been  heard  of.  The  "  stranger  who  was 
taken  in  "  lodged  a  complaint  with  the  police.  Country 
darkeys  should  keep  their  eyes  open  when  they  come 
to  town. 


ANOTHER. 

AN  elderly  colored  man  brought  a  basket  of  eggs  and 
a  lot  of  chickens  to  the  Petersburg!!  market.  "While 
waiting  for  some  purchaser  for  his  little  stock,  another 
colored  man  came  up  to  him  and  asked  him  to  take 
charge  of  the  three  small  water  melons  which  he  had. 
The  old  man  from  the  country  readily  consented.  Hav- 
ing occasion  to  leave  his  eggs  and  chickens,  he  asked  the 
one  whom  he  had  found  to  watch  his  things  until  he 


THE    DIDDLER.  79 

came  back,  which  he  did  in  a  few  moments,  but  only  to 
find  "  dat  ar  man  "  had  made  a  swap,  taking  eggs  and 
chickens  away,  and  leaving  in  exchange  the  three  pitiful 
melons. 


A  DIDDLE  WITH  A  TAIL  IN  IT. 

HOOKY  WALKEK,  some  years  ago,  visited  Bridgeport, 
Conn.,  and  pasted  the  dead  walls  of  the  place  with  the 
following  announcement,  in  a  poster,  printed  in  brilliant 
colored  inks  : 

THE    WOOLLY   HOUSE    OUTDONE  ! 

EXHIBITION   OK 
A   HORSE   WITH    A   TAIL   WHERE   HIS    HEAD    SHOULD    BE  !  !  1 

ALSO, 

A   HORSE    WITH    A   HEAD   WHERE   THE   TAIL    SHOULD    BE  !  1  1 
ADMITTANCE,  25  CENTS.       CHILDREN,    HALF    PRICE. 

COME   ONE,    COME   ALL  ! 
HAKMONY    HALL,    MONDAY,    8TH   INST.,    7    O'CLOCK. 

This  advert'semerit  was  the  talk  of  the  citizens  for 
several  days  before  the  opening  of  the  exhibition.  The 
hour  at  last  arrived,  and  Harmony  Hall  was  crowded  to 
its  utmost  capacity.  The  entertainment  commenced 
with  a  "  concert"  by  a  troupe  of  second-rate  minstrels, 
concluding  with  a  "  plantation  break-down." 

Immediately  after,  the  lights  were  lowered — a  hint 
for  the  audience  to  disperse. 


80  THE   DIDDLER. 

"  But  where  is  the  curiosity — the  horse  advertised  in 
the  poster  ?"  asked  an  inquisitive  gentleman. 

"  Here,  sir,"  said  the  showman.  "  Any  person  wish- 
ing to  see  the  horse,  come  this  way." 

"We  followed  diddler  through  a  side-door  into  a  stable, 
and  there  beheld  a  horse  with  his  tail  in  the  manger  ! 

"  You  must  admit,  gentlemen,  that  his  head  ought  to 
be  where  his  tail  is." 

"  That's  so,"  said  Pat  Rooney,  "  for  I  niver  saw  an 
animal  except  an  elephint  swallow  hay  with  his  tail." 

We  acknowledged  the  "  sell,"  and  next  day  advised 
our  acquaintances  to  patronize  "  the  curiosity."  In  a 
few  days  we  had  many  sympathizing  friends  in  our  mis- 
fortune. 

Diddler  hauled  off  soon  after  from  Harmony  Hall, 
with  his  pockets  well  lined  with  quarters. 


A  ROBBER  DIDDLER. 

i 

IN  Cincinnati,  a  robber,  of  the  Paul  Clifford  school, 
entered  a  boarding-house,  and,  nosing  his  way  uninter- 
rupted by  any  one  to  a  room  in  the  second  story,  occu- 
pied by  a  lady  and  gentleman,  both  of  whom  happened 
to  be  out,  he  made  free  with  what  came  under  his  ob- 
servation. He  donned  a  fine  overcoat  belonging  to  the 
gentleman,  and  was  about  to  investigate  the  drawers  of 
the  bureau,  when  he  heard  a  noise  upon  the  stairway, 
and  he  started  for  the  door.  There  he  was  met  by  the 
lady  occupant,  who,  in  the  politest  manner  imaginable, 
he  saluted  with : 

"  Ah  !  this  is  Mrs.  B.,  I  presume.  Your  husband 
sent  me  after  his  overcoat,  as  he  is  just  about  to  start 


THE   DIDDLKR.  81 

for  St.  Louis,  and  was  so  much  engaged  he  had  not  time 
to  come  for  it  himself." 

The  lady,  supposing  him  to  be  one  of  the  attaches  of 
the  office  in  which  her  husband  was  engaged,  and  know- 
ing that  he  was  often  called  away  at  a  moment's  notice, 
simply  remarked : 

"  All  right,  but  won't  he  be  up  before  he  leaves  ?" 
Receiving  an  answer  in  the  negative,  she  said : 
"Here,  take  this  $20  note,  and  tell  him  to  send  me 
that  package  of  Christinas   presents   I  spoke  to  him 
about." 

The  fellow  took  the  note  and  left,  no  doubt  chuckling 
all  over  with  the  successful  issue  of  his  bold  attempt. 


A   DUTCHMAN    NOT   TO   BE   DIDDLED. 

A  GENTLEMAN  stepped  into  a  Dutch  grocery  to  get  a 
$1  bill  changed.  The  Dutchman  had  heard  of  $10  bills 
being  altered  from  $1.  He  took  the  one  offered  him, 
and  held  it  up  to  the  light. 

"  What  are  you  doing  that  for  ?"  inquired  the  man. 

His  answer  was  brilliant. 

"  I  wish  to  see  if  dish  bill  have  been  altered  from  a 


PRESIDENT   JOHNSON    GETS   A    SMALL   BITE. 

AN  Englishman,  representing  himself  as  a  delegate 
from  the  striking  tailors  in  London,  received  $50  from 
President  Johnson,  to  aid  the  knights  of  the  needle  who 
had  been  thrown  out  of  employment  by  "  strike."  It 
now  turns  out  that  the  man  was  an  impostor. 


82  THE    DIDDLER. 


GLASS  DIDDLEES. 

A  WIDE-AWAKE  scoundrel  in  Nashua,  !N".  H.,  stumbled 
against  a  storekeeper's  window  and  broke  a  large  pane 
of  glass.  He  then  handed  the  keeper  of  the  store  a 
counterfeit  $100  bill  to  pay  the  damages,  and  received 
back  $90  in  good  money,  with  which  he  incontinently 
sloped. 

A  SOMEWHAT  similar  case  happened  in  Newark,  !N".  J., 
recently.  A  young  man,  apparently  greatly  intoxi- 
cated, made  a  sudden  lurch  against  a  store  window, 
breaking  a  large  pane  of  plate  glass.  In  an  instant  the 
shopkeeper  had  him  by  the  collar,  demanding  pay  for 
the  damage.  The  fellow  protested,  with  many  hiccups, 
that  he  had  no  money,  when  he  was  dragged  into  the 
store,  where,  in  accordance  with  the  advice  of  some  of 
his  neighbors,  the  storekeeper  searched  his  prisoner. 
The  search  resulted  in  finding  a  $100  greenback  in  the 
fellow's  pocket.  This  bill  was  immediately  transferred 
to  the  money-drawer,  from  which  the  merchant  drew 
two  $20  bills,  and  handed  them  to  his  "  victim,"  saying, 
"  It  will  cost  me  just  $60  to  get  that  glass  replaced. 
Here's  your  change,  sir,  and  now  be  off,  and  keep  whis- 
key out  of  your  head  in  future.  This  will  be  a  good 
lesson  to  you." 

The  fellow  took  the  $40,  and,  placing  it  in  his  wallet, 
walked  off,  apparently  considerably  sobered  by  the 
transaction. 

Soon  after  he  had  disappeared,  the  shopkeeper  ascer- 
tained that  the  $100  greenback  was  a  rank  counterfeit. 


THE   DIDDLER.  83 

TWO  DIDDLERS  VISIT  NEW  YORK. 

THEY   CUT   WITH   DIAMONDS. 

MB.  JULIUS  SILVERSMITH  DIDDLEK,  one  of  the  real 
Simon-pure  stock,  possessing  the  genteel  appearance  and 
handsome  countenance  of  the  aristocratic  Diddler 
family,  accompanied  by  his  friend,  A.  Cheat,  Esq.,  ,of 
Coney  Castle,  L.  I.,  (of  course  a  lie,)  dashingly  drove 
up  to  the  leading  jewelry  store  on  Broadway,  New  York 
city. 

Aliohtins:  from  one  of  Miner  &  Stevens's  handsome 

o  o 

barouches,  they  entered  the  store,  and  requested  the 
clerk  to  show  them  some  diamonds  ;  and  after  examin- 
ing several  lots  put  before  them,  they  selected  a  set  of 
diamond  ear-drops,  a  brooch,  and  ring,  all  solitaires, 
valued  at  $12,156. 

"  We  have  not  the  money  handy,  but  you  can  drive 
with  us  to  our  residence  in  Fifth  Avenue,  where  you 
can  obtain  payment  for  the  diamonds." 

"  What  name  shall  I  enter  in-the  order-book,  gentle- 
men ?"  asked  the  clerk. 

"  Barnum  Brothers,"  replied  Diddler. 

"  Wait  a  moment,  and  I  will  accompany  you,"  said 
the  clerk,  after  consulting  with  one  of  the  firm. 

Putting  on  his  hat  and  coat,  the  clerk  jumped  into 
the  barouche,  and  the  customers  drove  up  to  thei/r  resi- 
dence. 

"  Where  is  the  governor  ?"  inquired  Diddler  of  the 
servant  in  attendance.  "  I  want — " 

"  Brother,"  said  the  other  Diddler,  immediately  inter- 
rupting him,  "  go  out  to  the  '  building,'  and  see  him 
there." 


84  THE    DIDDLEB. 

The  "  brother"  went  out,  and  shortly  after  returned 
with  a  check  on  a  city  bank  for  $12,156,  purporting  to 
be  signed  by  James  "W.  Barn  um  and  certified. 

The  clerk  pocketed  the  check,  handed  Diddler  the 
diamonds,  and  started  for  his  employers'  store. 

As  a  matter  of  course  the  check  was  presented  at  the 
bank  soon  afterwards,  the  firm  desiring  to  be  satisfied 
that  it  was  good ;  but  the  bank  didn't  know  anything 
about  Mr.  Barnum,  nor  any  bank  account  of  his,  so  the 
firm  "  smelled  a  mice,"  and  wisely  came  to  the  conclu- 
sion that  they  had  been  swindled ;  but  who  were  the 
swindlers  and  how  they  came  to  live  in  a  respectable 
house  on  Fifth  Avenue  were  questions  which  it  was  all 
very  well  to  ask,  but  which  were  not  easily  answered. 

To  the  house  on  Fifth  Avenue,  therefore,  did  one  of 
the  firm  go,  but,  alas  !  the  birds  had  flown,  and  the  only 
information  he  could  obtain  was,  that  the  same  day  the 
diamonds  were  purchased  the  two  gentlemen  had  hired 
apartments  in  the  house  at  $100  a  week,  giving  as  their 
reference  a  city  banker  ;  but  the  latter  gentleman  knew 
nothing  about  the  fellows  it  appears. 

Diddler  likes  cutting  (away)  with  diamonds. 


AN  EDITOR  DIDDLED. 

SOME  time  ago,  an  editor  of  a  popular  weekly  maga- 
zine in  Boston  came  to  New  York  city  on  business,  and 
while  passing  through  Chatham  street,  a  mock  auction 
store  attracted  his  attention.  A  thought  struck  hi  m  (a 
pity  it  had  not  knocked  him  over)—"  I  will  beard  the 
lion  in  his  den,"  he  being  of  course  already  posted  in 
their  manner  of  doing  business. 


THE    DIDDLER.  85 

He  went  in,  and  bought  a  genuine  gold  watch  for  a 
hundred  and  some  odd  dollars ;  lie  came  out  with  a 
pinch-beck,  worth  about  a  dollar  and  a  half ! 

"  What  shall  I  do  ?"  thought  he,  "  as  I  now  perceive 
that  I  have  been  made  an  ass.  To  expose  the  transaction 
to  the  police,  the  reporters  will  get  hold  of  it,  and  make 
a  laughing-stock  of  me.  I  will  keep  quiet." 

And  so  he  did  for  a  while,  but  he  finally  "  let  the  cat 
out  of  the  bag,"  by  communicating  the  transaction  to 
some  confidential  friends.  Of  course  they  kept  the 
.  secret,  over  the  left,  and  soon  after  the  affair  was  pub- 
lished all  over  the  country. 

We  advise  all,  and  especially  editors  and  ministers,  to 
keep  out  of  mock-auction  stores,  gift  enterprises,  and  all 
other  rat-traps  that  may  be  met  with  in  almost  every 
street  in  the  city. 

The  Postmaster  has  lent  his  aid  towards  breaking  np 
the  gift  enterprise  business.  He  proposes  to  cut  them 
off  from  the  facilities  of  the  mail,  and  to  test  the  case 
he  has  seized  upon  a  large  number  of  letters  addressed 
to  these  concerns,  and  holds  them  subject  to  the  advice 
or  action  of  the  Attorney  General,  who  has  been  noti- 
fied of  the  frauding.  Complaints  are  made  daily  to  the 
Mayor  or  Justices  by  parties  who  have  been  swindled 
by  these  gift  concerns,  which  take  all  sorts  of  shapes, 
frequently  borrowing  the  mantle  of  charity  or  patriot- 
ism as  a  disguise. 

They  are  generally  so  managed  that  after  the  victim 
has  parted  with  his  money  he  has  no  remedy  at  law ; 
the  transaction  is  covered  in  such  a  way  as  to  evade  the 
law  against  swindling  and  false  pretences,  though  it  is 
a  swindle  of  the  most  barefaced  kind.  It  is  a  cunningly- 
devised  trap  into  which  people  will  walk  with  their  eyes 


86  TFTE    DIDDLER. 

wide  open.  There  are  plenty  of  gullible  people  in  the 
city,  but  the  country  is  the  safest  field  for  the  operations 
of  these  sharpers.  Circulars  are  sent  to  all  the  country 
towns  and  villages  to  persons  whose  names  and  addresses 
are  collected  by  their  agents  for  the  purpose.  One  of 
the  most  successful  dodges  is  to  inform  the  parties  ad- 
dressed that  they  have  drawn  a  valuable  prize  in  some 
scheme,  which  will  be  sent  to  them  on  remittance  of  a 
few  dollars.  The  gudgeon  takes  the  bait,  forwards  the 
money,  and  either  hears  no  more  about  it,  or  gets  in  re- 
turn a  piece  of  brass  jewelry,  or  some  other  worthless 
article. 

If  these  swindlers  can  be  shut  off  from  the  privileges 
of  the  mail,  their  business  will  be  effectually  broken  up. 
It  is  to  be  hoped,  therefore,  that  the  Attorney  General 
may  be  able  to  find  authority  in  the  law  for  sustaining 
the  action  of  the  Postmaster. 


THE   DIDDLER.  87 

THE   GREAT 

GETTYSBURG!!  ENTERPRISE  SWINDLE. 

THE  men  who  get  up  these  enterprises  have  sheltered 
themselves  of  late  under  the  pretence  of  aiding  patriotic 
or  charitable  undertakings,  and  in  the  name  of  Soldiers' 
Hospitals  and  Orphan  Asylums  have  frequently  suc- 
ceeded in  their  schemes. 

The  most  pretentious  of  these  swindles  was  the  Get- 
tysburgh  Asylum  Lottery,  which  the  Attorney-General 
of  Pennsylvania  had  the  courage  to  denounce,  and  he 
drove  its  headquarters  from  Philadelphia  to  New  York. 
The  scheme  was  so  plausible  that  the  Secretary  of  the 
Treasury  was  imposed  upon  and  remitted  the  Govern 
ment  tax  on  lotteries  for  its  benefit. 

General  Yan  Wyck  took  the  matter  up  in  Congress, 
exposed  the  fraudulent  misrepresentations  of  the  pros- 
pectus of  the  concern,  and  moved  a  Committee  of  In- 
quiry into  the  action  of  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury 
in  remitting  the  tax,  which  has  led  to  a  full  investiga- 
tion and  exposure  of  the  swindle. 

The  following  is  the  report  of  the  Congressional  Com- 
mittee : 

"  The  Committee  on  Retrenchment,  to  whom  was  re- 
ferred the  report  of  the  Commissioner  of  Internal  Re- 
venue, giving  the  reasons  why  the  scheme  known  as  the 
Gettysburg!!  Asylum  for  Invalid  Soldiers,  was  exempt 
from  the  payment  of  special  tax,  would  report : 

"  That  they  examined  many  witnesses,  among  them 


88  THE     DIDDLER. 

some  of  the  originators  of  the  scheme,  and  interested  in 
its  success  ;  and  the  prominent  facts  were  obtained  from 
its  friends  and  not  its  enemies.  Substantially  the  facts 
are  as  follows :  Before  the  close  of  the  war,  a  prominent 
and  wealthy  tobacconist  of  New  York  city,  Mr.  John 
Anderson,  for  greater  security,  invested  largely  in  dia- 
monds, paying  for  the  same,  as  was  claimed,  between 
one  hundred  and  fifty  and  two  hundred  thousand  dol- 
lars. A  portion  thereof,  and  the  last  lot  obtained,  were 
in  some  particulars  tainted  with  fraud.  Criminal  pro- 
ceedings were  instituted  by  Mr.  Anderson  and  his 
friends.  So  great  was  the  crime,  and  so  clear  the  proof, 
that  the  swindlers  were  arrested.  No  other  diamonds 
but  these  are  advertised  in  the  Gettysburgh  lottery. 

"  After  the  war  government  bonds  advanced,  while 
diamonds  purchased  with  gold  at  200  and  280  rapidly 
declined.  Mr.  Anderson  wanted  to  realize  on  his  dia  • 
mends,  and  also  expressed  a  desire  to  aid  disabled  sol- 
diers ;  both  objects  commendable  if  pursued  in  an  up- 
right and  legal  manner.  After  due  deliberation  b}- 
some  friends,  gathered  at  Mr.  Anderson's  house,  among 
them  one  or  more  prominent  gentlemen  from  the  State 
of  Pennsylvania,  an  enterprise  to  establish  an  asylum 
at  Gettysburgh  was  agreed  upon,  and  at  the  outset  the 
nature  of  the  scheme  is  manifested  by  the  character  and 
the  men  obtained  to  carry  out  the  design.  Experts  of 
large  experience  in  that  which  was  to  be  its  leading  fea- 
ture, and  who  were  valuable  by  reason  of  their  know- 
ledge of  the  devices  whereby  the  laws  against  gambling 
could  be  evaded,  the  credulous  entrapped,  the  moralist 
and  Christian  assured  that  vice  was  only  an  exterior 
under  cover  of  which  piety  and  charity  might  be  fully 
developed,  were  required,  and  K.  France,  P.  A.  Edger- 


THE    DIDDLER.  89 

ton,  and  S.  T.  Dickinson,  well  known  as  professional  lot- 
tery gamblers,  were  selected,  as  leaders,  in  a  cause,  the 
only  ostensible  object  of  which  was  to  benefit  disabled 
soldiers.  As  the  sentiment  of  the  Christian  world,  and 
particularly  the  laws  of  New  York,  were  opposed  to  all 
species  of  gambling,  these  men  immediately  take  coun- 
sel how  the  moral  sense  can  be  deceived  and  the  laws 
defied. 

"  They  appeal  to  an  eminent  lawyer,  one  who  had  long 
been  their  counsel,  ex-Recorder  Smith,  and  he  informed 
them  that  the  courts  in  the  case  of  art  union  associations 
had  decided  against  all  lotteries,  no  matter  what  the  ob- 
ject, or  however  cunningly  devised  ;  and  that  an  act  of 
the  Legislature  would  not  afford  the  pretext  they  sought, 
because  the  constitution  of  that  State  forbids  the  Legis- 
lature from  legalizing  any  lotteries. 

"  They  then  wished  him  to  examine  the  constitutions 
of  all  the  States  to  ascertain  one,  if  possible,  where  no 
prohibition  existed,  so  they  could  make  an  attempt  for 
incorporation.  Judge  Smith  pursued  the  inquiry,  and 
in  due  time  reported  that  the  State  of  Pennsylvania  had 
no  such  prohibition.  Thither  these  charitable  patriots 
directed  their  steps,  and  hid  away  from  public  gaze  they 
pull  the  wires,  and  moving  in  the  shadow  of  the  names 
of  Generals  Meade  and  Pennypacker  as  incorporators 
and  trustees,  with  the  promise  of  $300,000  to  the  trea- 
sury of  that  State,  procure  a  charter,  masking  the  real 
design  under  the  clause  authorizing  fairs.  The  act  no- 
where justifying  a  lottery  such  as  they  advertised. 

"  Ten  thousand  dollars  advanced  by  Mr.  Anderson 
were  paid  into  the  treasury  of  Pennsylvania.  A  meet- 
ing of  the  trustees  was  called.  Neither  Generals  Meade 
or  Pennypacker  were  present,  and  only  one  of  the  trus- 


90  THE   DIDDLER. 

tees  in  the  bill.  The  mask  is  now  removed.  A  resolu- 
tion passed  making  France,  Edgerton,  and  Dickinson, 
members  of  the  association.  The  master  spirits  step 
upon  the  boards.  Another  resolution  is  passed  making 
them  supervisors  of  the  asylum.  The  charter  provided 
that  before  each  disposition  of  property  $10,000  should 
be  paid  into  the  treasury.  This  contemplated  thirty 
different  dispositions.  The  programme  was  then  ar- 
ranged to  draw  $400,000  from  the  people  before  each 
disposition ;  making  $12,000,000  to  be  collected,  at  least 
$6,000,000  of  which  would  go  to  the  operators. 

"After  opposition  appeared  in  Pennsylvania  these 
shrewd  men  discover  they  could  not  have  more  than 
one  disposition,  and  as  they  were  only  required  to  pay 
$10,000  before  each  disposition,  without  regard  to  the 
amount  of  money  raised,  or  value  of  property  disposed, 
they  determine  to  raise  $1,200,000  before  the  first  dis- 
position. 

"The  legal  trustees  met.  They  refused  to  ratify  the 
proceedings  of  the  former  meeting.  General  Meade  re- 
quested the  opinion  of  the  Attorney-General  of  the 
State,  which  was  in  denunciation  of  the  project,  and  all 
who  participated  therein  were  liable  to  indictment,  when 
General  Meade  pronounced  it  a  swindle,  he  and  Penny- 
packer  withdrawing. 

"  Strange,  then,  that  men  whose  only  object  was 
charity  should  run  the  hazard  of  the  law's  punishment ; 
not  strange  that  France,  Edgerton,  and  Dickinson  should, 
for  they  had  often  taken  such  chances. 

"  It  has  been  asked  why  Mr.  Anderson,  who  had  en- 
tire control  of  the  scheme,  should  not  have  then  with- 
drawn his  aid.  He  was  afraid  of  his  diamonds,  then  on 
exhibition  in  Philadelphia,  lest  they  might  be  seized  by 


THE    DIDDLEK.  91 

the  police,  and  removed  them  to  New  York  city.  Here 
more  devices  were  required  to  protect  them  from  an  an- 
ticipated raid  by  the  police  of  that  city.  Mature  deli- 
beration was  again  had,  and  it  was  concluded  to  exhibit 
the  jewels  at  one  place,  while  the  office  of  the  operators 
should  be  at  another.  Then,  if  the  police  came  to  make 
an  arrest,  and  should  seize,  as  they  were  by  law  required, 
everything  connected  with  the  crime,  and  on  exhibition, 
that  they  would,  however,  not  be  justified  in  seizing  ar- 
ticles in  another  building. 

"After  the  charter  was  obtained,  making  up  the 
prizes  involved  some  discussion.  Mr.  Anderson  first 
proposed  to  enter  one  thousand  acres  of  oil  laud  he 
owned  in  Pennsylvania,  but,  as  petroleum  was  at  a  dis-' 
count,  it  was  thought  diamonds  would  be  more  attrac- 
tive, and  as  he  alleged  he  had  paid  over  $150,000  for 
them,  and  been  at  some  expense,  he  was  to  receive,  cost 
and  expenses,  nearly  $200,000,  yet  they  were  valued  in 
the  scheme  at  $300,000.  Mr.  Anderson  knew  that 
$100,000  were  to  be  realized  by  some  parties,  yet  suffers 
the  fraud  to  go  on  unrebuked. 

"  Then  Judge  Smith,  whose  legal  advice  had  been 
valuable,  was  offered  an  opportunity  to  show  his  sym- 
pathy for  the  disabled  soldier,  and  he  offers  a  farm  in 
Sullivan  county,  with  some  valuable  stock,  which  he 
valued  to  the  managers  at  $45,000,  while  they  withhold 
the  stock  and  present  the  farm  at  $60,000.  Here  some 
one  was  to  be  enriched  by  the  value  of  the  stock  and 
$15,000  ;  yet  the  Judge  takes  no  exception.  "When  an 
expose  is  made,  and  the  managers  find  they  must  go  to 
the  wall  on  the  farm,  they  prudently  withdraw  it,  but 
too  late  to  remove  the  character  of  the  operation. 

"  The  testimony  shows  -that  at  a  forced  sale  the  farm 


92  THE   DIDDLEB. 

might  bring  $6,000 ;  a  very  liberal  e3timate  would  be 
from  $8,000  to  $10.000 ;  while  on  the  assessor's  book  of 
the  town  it  is  valued  at  $3,500.  The  fact  of  withdrawal 
is  a  concession  of  the  fraud. 

"  A  portion  of  the  diamonds  of  Mr.  Anderson  claimed 
to  have  been  a  swindle  upon  him,  and  can  be  none  the 
less  so  on  the  public.  Some  of  the  diamonds  are  said 
to  be  couplets ;  that  is,  a  genuine  top  on  an  inferior  bot- 
tom, difficult  of  detection  after  setting.  On  many  of 
them  Mr.  Anderson  had  advanced  money  as  a  loan,  yet 
BO  inferior  were  they  by  reason  of  size  and  quality,  al- 
though genuine  diamonds,  that  they  were  not  redeemed. 
The  owners,  having  played  a  sharp  game,  never  in- 
tended to  redeem  them. 

"  In  the  list  is  the  yacht  Henrietta,  proven  to  be  pro- 
bably worth  $20,000,  valued  by  the  managers  at  $50,000. 
The  managers  in  this  case  have  no  doubt  increased  the 
valuation  given  by  her  owner. 

"  Mr.  Anderson  called  on  Mr.  Jones,  publisher  of  the 
New  York  Times,  who  was  interested  in  the  publica- 
tion of  the  Tribute  Book,  many  of  which  remained  un- 
sold, as  it  had  no  value  for  general  reading,  its  main  at- 
traction being  some  plates  and  elegant  binding ;  1,000 
copies  were  offered  at  $20  each ;  then  Mr.  Jones  soli- 
cited newspapers  to  make  no  attack  upon  the  scheme. 

"  Not  satisfied  with  the  indorsement  of  the  Pennsyl- 
vania Legislature,  they  seek  to  defraud  the  revenue 
from  the  payment  of  tax,  knowing  that  such  exemption 
will  be  considered  an  additional  guarantee  of  the  good 
faith  of  the  project.  They  made  application  to  John 
H.  Deihl,  Collector  of  the  Second  District  of  Pennsyl- 
vania, May  28,  1867.  He  knew  that  the  good  faith  of 
the  transaction  was  questioned;  that  the  Attorney- 


THE    DIDDLER.  93 

General  of  his  State  had  denounced  it ;  that  General 
Meade  had  withdrawn  from  and  denounced  it ;  if  he  as- 
certained the  facts,  which  the  discharge  of  his  duties 
required,  he  knew  their  character  did  not  authorize  the 
scheme  they  were  projecting.  He  knew  from  their 
charter  that  only  $10,000  were  to  be  appropriated  to 
the  object  of  the  charity  previous  to  each  drawing,  and 
that  by  their  by-laws  passed  March  14, 1864:,  all  moneys 
realized  after  paying  the  $10,000  were  to  be  retained  by 
France  &  Co.,  yet  Mr.  Deihl  certifies  '  all  the  net  pro- 
ceeds were  to  be  appropriated  to  the  object  of  the 
charity.' 

"  Mr.  Diehl  states  in  his  certificate  that  Attorney- 
General  Brewster  had  brought  the  case  before  the 
Supreme  Court.  He  also  adds  that  three  eminent  coun- 
sel, naming  them,  had  given  an  opinion  affirming  its 
legality,  whereas  one  of  them,  Mr.  Meredith,  has  pub- 
lished a  letter  denying  that  he  ever  gave  any  such 
opinion.  Mr.  Deihl  may  have  supposed  it  to  be  all 
right,  or  he  would  probably  not  have  allowed  his  son  to 
be  appointed  receiver  for  the  concern. 

"The  Postmaster- General,  who  had  advised  all  post- 
masters to  aid  this  'truly  patriotic  and  benevolent 
enterprise,'  found  that  he  had  been  deceived,  and  by  his 
authority  the  editor  of  the  Mail,  in  the  December  num- 
ber, says :  '  We  are  authorized  by  the  Postmaster-Gen- 
eral to  say,  that  at  the  time  he  was  induced  to  sign  this 
recommendation  he  believed  the  enterprise  was  a  praise- 
worthy one,  and  intended  to  aid  a  noble  charity ;  but 
that  he  has  become  convinced  that  the  scheme  has  been 
perverted  to  fraudulent  purposes,  and  he  desires  to 
withdraw  the  recommendation  he  then  made.' 

"  This  scheme  uses  the  pretext  of  benefit  to  disabled 


94  THE   D1DDLER. 

soldiers.  In  their  name  we  protest  against  the  prosti- 
tution of  sympathy  for  the  scars  and  empty  sleeves,  and 
holy  impulses  of  charity  for  their  misfortunes  to  furnish 
a  market  for  "certain  property,  at  fictitious  values  and 
large  profits  to  men,  whether  of  acknowledged  wealth 
and  social  position,  or  needy  adventurers  and  professed 
gamblers. 

"  After  the  difficulty  in  Pennsylvania,  France  &  Co. 
were  elbowed  out  of  the  ground,  as  alleged  by  one  wit- 
ness, that  their  character  as  lottery-men  was  injuring 
the  concern  ;  yet  that  character  was  the  only  considera- 
tion for  their  employment,  and  Mr.  Hitchcock,  who  had 
been  successful  in  a  previous  gift  enterprise,  substituted. 
After  ten  months'  operation,  the  proof  is  that  not  suffi- 
cient money  has  yet  been  realized  to  meet  expenses. 
The  prospect  of  any  drawing  is  very  remote.  Mr. 
Hitchcock  testified  that  the  expenses  were  about  $80,000 
more  than  the  receipts,  only  $20,000  having  been 
received.  He  also  established  that  some  of  the  trustees 
met  at  Philadelphia,  on  the  10th  January,  1868,  and 
passed  a  resolution  that  the  net  proceeds  of  the  concern 
should  be  appropriated  to  the  object  of  the  charity. 

"  The  passage  of  such  resolution  at  so  late  a  day  can 
not  relieve  the  scheme  from  the  charges  made, 
and,  like  the  withdrawal  of  the  farm,  are  certainly  sus- 
picious, if  not  conclusive  evidence  against  it.  At  the 
same  time  a  resolution  was  passed  authorizing  the  Pre- 
sident of  the  association  to  make  a  contract  with  Mr. 
Hitchcock  for  the  management  of  the  affairs,  and  that 
contract  may  be  so  made  as  to  swallow  up  a  portion  of 
the  whole  profits.  Lotteries  and  gambling  of  all  kinds 
are  condemned  by  well-regulated  communities. 

"  Unfortunately,  during  the  war,  Congress  sanctioned, 


THE    DIDDLER.  95 

,  indirectly,  lotteries  for  religious  and  charitable  purposes, 
by  exempting  them  from  the  payment  of  special  tax ; 
the  object  was  to  encourage  every  expedient  to  raise 
money  for  the  soldiers.  As  that  was  a  war  measure. 
Congress  should  make  haste  to  repeal  it,  particularly 
since  it  is  now  used  to  pander  to  the  passion  for  gambling, 
and  a  means  of  profit  to  operators.  There  has  not,  pro- 
bably, been  since  the  war,  a  scheme  of  this  kind  of  any 
proportions  which  was  not  commenced  primarily  and 
really  to  benefit  the  originators.  All  lotteries  arc 
swindles.  Yet  by  far  the  most  dangerous  lotteries  are 
those  where  vice  is  made  attractive,  where  a  sense  of  the 
crime  is  deadened,  and  consciousness  of  the  guilt  re- 
moved, by  the  pleasing  delusion  that  honorable  names 
endorse,  and  a  pretended  good  end  justify,  violations  of 
the  law ;  yet  there  is  not  a  tithe  of  the  excuse  there  is 
for  a  man  bankrupted  by  misfortune  staking  his  last  dol- 
lar upon  a  throw  of  the  dice  or  a  shuffle  of  the  cards. 
There  has  been  more  demoralization  in  this  country  from 
gift  enterprises  than  any  other  single  cause.  Not  only 
all  classes,  but  each  sex  and  all  ages  are  drawn  into  the 
giddy  whirl,  and  many,  in  buying  a  first  ticket  here, 
will  spend  their  last  dollar  at  the  gaming  table.  Al- 
ready the  harvest  has  been  prolific  in  an  outgrowth  of 
villainous  schemes,  each  with  a  different  device,  such  as 
Elmore  &  Co.,  Clark,  Webster  &  Co. ;  jewelry  distribu- 
tion ;  Toilet  Watch  Company ;  the  Pen  and  Pencil ; 
Kelly's  Pictorial,  and  others,  each  with  its  own  trick  to 
victimize  the  ignorant  and  credulous, 

A  society  of  distinguished  gentlemen,  for  the  preven- 
tion of  gambling,  may  be  organized  to  hunt  up  the  dens 
concealed  from  view,  studiously  avoiding  public  atten- 
tion, where  only  now  and  then  a  victim  is  lured,  but 


96  THE   DIDDLEK. 

not  guilty  of  the  meanness  of  covering  their  crime  under 
the  guise  of  charity,  and  the  mantle  of  religion.  Yet 
hand-bills  fill  the  city  and  adorn  the  press,  telling  where 
a  large  gambling  house  is  in  operation,  and  diamonds  are 
publicly  exposed  to  entrap  and  allure.  "What  an  ally  to 
aid  charity,  to  be  used  sometimes  as  a  handmaid  to 
religion !  "Would  it  be  any  more  pernicious  to  allow 
professed  gamblers  to  sit  down  in  the  vestry  room,  the 
session  room,  or  the  body  of  the  church,  and  there  with 
dice  and  cards  and  other  paraphernalia  of  the  gambling 
table,  no  more  criminal  than  the  wheel,  if  they  donate 
a  portion  of  their  unholy  gains  to  the  benefit  of  the 
church  ?  Yet,  in  some  sections,  moral  men,  professors  of 
religion,  ministers  of  the  gospel,  have  interested  them- 
selves to  popularize  this  vice  by  seeking  aid  through  its 
influence. 

The  committee  recommend  the  adoption  of  the  follow- 
ing resolution : 

Resolved,  That  the  Commissioner  of  Internal  Revenue 
be  requested  to  revoke  the  permit  heretofore  given,  ex- 
empting the  Gettysburg  Asylum  for  Disabled  Soldiers 
from  the  payment  of  special  tax  and  license,  said  revo- 
cation to  take  effect  from  May  28,  1867,  and  that  taxes 
and  license  be  collected  from  said  association  the  same 
as  if  no  permit  had  ever  been  given." 


LOVE'S  EXPERIMENT. 

Pretty  Governess. — "  How  often  must  I  tell  you  how  to  weai 
your  hats  ?  You  are  provokingly  slow  to  learn !  This  is  the  third 
time  to-day  within  an  hour  that  I  have  placed  your  hats  properly 
upon  your  heads.  There  !" 

Children  retire  under  their  beavers,  and  the  lovers  improve  the 
opportunity  in  practising  certain  labial  mysteries  known  to  the 
initiated. 


HODGE-PODGE. 


Did  you  ever  go  up  to  the  printers, 
And  see  all  those  devils  at  work  ? 

I  swagger,  they  beat  all  the  Sinters, 
What  fellows  they  are  for  a  joke  1 


AN  EGG  DISASTER. 

A   MINISTER   OF   THE   GOSPEL   ATTEMPTS   TO    SPREAD    HIM- 
SELF  DEPLORABLE   RESULT. 

AMONG  the  goods  expressed  from  the  West  by  the  D. 
&  S.  C.  Railroad  were  a  number  of  baskets  of  hen-fruit. 
Two  or  three  stations  this  side  of  that  at  which  they 
were  placed  upon  the  car,  an  ex-minister  of  huge  pro- 
portions and  of  the  gospel  stepped  into  the  express  car, 
and  our  clerical  friend  accidentally  took  his  position  in 
front  of  them  with  his  back  behind  him  and  toward  the 
eggs.  While  the  twain  were  conversing,  the  train 
started  forward.  The  man  of  God  was  taken  unawares 
by  the  unexpected  jerk,  and  lost  his  balance.  He  found 
it  in  the  basket  of  eggs  just  in  his  rear.  He  also  found 
his  rear  in  the  basket  of  eggs. 

The  result  of  this  ministerial  onset — if  we  may  so 
term  it — baffles  description.  Of  course  the  contents  of 


4  HODGE-PODGE. 

the  basket  came  to  an  unlucky  end.  His  profession 
prohibited  profanity  in  the  presence  of  a  fellow-traveler 
to  eternity;  yet  his  theological  tenets  did  not  incline 
him  to  albuminous  immersion,  and  he  was  conscious  of 
no  disease  that  required  a  mucilaginous  sitz-bath.  Ike 
Parting*on  once  set  a  hen  on  fifty-two  eggs,  just  to  see 
her  spread  herself ;  here  was  a  man  not  used  to  the  bu- 
siness, who  had  set  himself  on  fifty-two  dozen,  and  suc- 
cessfully accomplished  the  same  result,  as  any  one  could 
see.  But  though  backward  in  getting  into  this  undig- 
nified position,  he  was  by  no  means  backward  in  getting 
out.  He  erected  himself  and  examined  himself.  Any 
member  of  his  church,  if  present,  would  have  recog- 
nized in  him  not  only  a  faithful  fellow-laborer,  but  an 
earnest  yolk-fellow. 

For  about  a  minute  he  stood  motionless,  except  as  he, 
with  spread  and  tremulous  fingers,  in  an  undecided  and 
uncertain  way,  waved  his  hands  about  the  seat  of  war, 
with  the  air  of  a  man  who  had  been  egged  on  to  des- 
peration. He  certainly  presented  a  ludicrous  aspect. 
As  the  precious  ointment  ran  down  Aaron's  beard,  so 
the  albuminous  unguent  ran  down  the  preacher's 
trowser's  legs,  spreading  in  translucent  liquidness  upon 
the  floor  about  his  feet  till  he  looked  like  a  school-boy 
who  had  been  injudiciously  deprived  of  recess.  The 
express  messenger  took  the  stove  hearth  and  did  what 
he  could  toward  cleaning  off  his  friend — a  novel  way  of 
"  scraping  an  acquaintance."  Hesitating  to  return  to 
the  passenger  car  lest  he  might  present  a  butt  for  the 
ridicule  of  the  ungodly  and  the  scoffer,  he  sat  down 
upon  a  box  near  the  stove,  and  by  the  time  he  reached 
Dubuque  was  pretty  dry — so  dry  that  when  he  attempt- 
ed to  leave  the  car  he  at  once  fell  upon  his  knees  on 


HODGE-PODGE.  5 

the  depot  platform — not  in  prayer  or  thanksgiving,  as 
spectators  naturally  at  first  supposed,  but  because  the 
stiffness  of  his  clothing  rendered  it  impossible  for  him 
to  straighten  up. 

THE  JV.  Y.  Tribune  seldom  indulges  in  a  joke,  but 
when  it  does,  why,  "  there's  something  in  it,"  as  may  be 
seen  by  the  following  : 

"  T bought  a  gallon  of  Otard  at  Brady's  to  take 

home,  and  by  the  way  of  a  label,  wrote  his  name  upon 
a  card,  which  happened  to  be  the  seven  of  clubs,  and 

tied  it  to  the  handle.  Alderman  C coming  along  and 

observing  the  jug,  remarked,  '  That's  an  awful  careless 
way  to  leave  that  liquor.'  '  Why  so,'  said  Tom.  'Why  ? 
because  somebody  might  come  along  with  the  eight  spot 
and  take  it !'  " 


SHEKIDAN,  by  his  extravagances,  run  himself  over 
head  and  ears  in  debt,  and  seeming  very  little  concerned 
about  it,  one  of  his  friends  told  him  one  day  that  he 
wondered  how  he  could  sleep  quietly  in  his  bed  whilst 
he  was  so  much  in  debt.  "  For  my  part,"  said  Sheridan, 
"  I  sleep  very  well ;  but  I  wonder  how  my  creditors 
can." 


"  JOHN  PAUL  "  says  :  "  Amid  all  the  safeguards  of  the 
domestic  hearth,  about  which  so  much  has  been  written, 
I  know  of  none  quite  so  sure  as  to  marry  an  ugly  woman. 
One  can  bind  his  brow  with  the  sweet  garlands  of  peace 
and  security,  and  leave  his  wife  behind  him  for  two  or 
three  days  with  the  serene  confidence  which  a  Christian 
feels  in  four  aces." 


HODGE-PODGE. 


REUBEN  AND  PH(EBE. 

A   PATHETIC   BALLAD. 

IN  Manchester  a  maiden  dwelt, 

Her  name  was  Phoebe  Brown, 
Her  cheeks  were  red,  her  hair  was  black, 

And  as  she  was  considered  by  good  judges  to  be, 
by  all  odds,  the  best  looking  girl  in  town. 

Her  age  was  nearly  seventeen, 

Her  eyes  were  sparkling  bright, 
A  very  lovely  girl  she  was, 

And  for  about  a  year  and  a  half  there  had  been  a 
young  man  paying  attention  to  her  by  the  name  of  Reu- 
ben  Wright. 

Now  Reuben  was  a  nice  young  man 

As  any  in  the  town, 
And  Phoebe  loved  him  very  dear, 

But,  on  account  of  his  being  obliged  to  work  for  a 
living,  he  never  could  make  himself  agreeable  to  old  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Brown. 

Her  cruel  parents  were  resolved 

Another  she  should  wed, 
A  rich  old  miser  in  the  place  ; 

And  old  Brown  frequently  declared  that  rather  than 
have  his  daughter  marry  Eeuben  Wright,  he'd  sooner 
knock  iim  in  the  head. 

But  Phoebe's  heart  was  brave  and  strong, 

She  feared  not  parents'  frowns, 
And  as  for  Reuben  Wright,  so  bold, 

I've  heard  him  say  more  than  fifty  times  that, 
(with  the  exception  of  Phoebe),  he  didn't  care  a  d— n  for 
the  whole  race  of  Browns. 


HODGE-PODGE. 

So  Phoebe  Brown  and  Reuben  Wright 

Determined  they  would  marry ; 
Three  weeks  ago,  last  Tuesday  night, 

They  started  for  old  Parson  Wheeler's,  determined 
to  be  united  in  the  holy  bonds  of  matrimony,  though  it 
was  tremendous  dark,  and  rained  like  the  Old  Harry. 

But  Captain  Brown  was  wide  awake, 

He  loaded  up  his  gun, 
And  then  pursued  the  loving  pair ; 

He  overtook  'em  when  they  got  about  half  way 
to  the  Parson's,  and  then  Reuben  and  Phoebe  started  ofi 
upon  the  run. 

Old  Brown  then  took  a  deadly  aim 

Towards  young  Reuben's  head, 
But,  ah  !  it  was  a  bleeding  shame, 

He  made  a  mistake,  and  shot  his  only  daughter, 
and  had  the  unspeakable  anguish  of  seeing  her  drop  right 
down  stone  dead. 

Then  anguish  filled  young  Reuben's  heart, 

And  vengeance  crazed  his  brain, 
He  drew  an  awful  jack-knife  out 

And  plunged  it  into  old  Brown  about  fifty  or  sixty 
times,  so  that  it's  very  doubtful  about  his  ever  coming  to 
again. 

The  briny  drops  from  Reuben's  eyes 

In  torrents  poured  down, 
He  yielded  up  the  ghost  and  died, 

And  in  this  melancholy  and  heart-rending  manner 
terminates  the  history  of  Reuben  and  Phcebe,  and  like- 
wise old  Captain  Brown. 


8  HODGE-PODGE. 

THE  DEACON'S  "  IXNARDS." — A  worthy  deacon,  resid- 
ing in  a  village  not  a  hundred  miles  from  Boston,  "one 
morning  as  he  journeyed  to  his  work,  some  mile  or  two 
from  his  home,  called  upon  a  neighbor  who  had  just 
killed  a  hog,  and  bargained  with  him  for  a  quantity  of 
the  pig's  "  innards,"  to  be  used  for  sausage  casings,  the 
same  to  be  sent  to  his  house  by  the  neighbor's  boy.  As 
evening  advanced,  the  deacon,  who  was  imexpectedly 
detained,  did  not  reach  his  home  until  a  late  hour.  In 
the  meantime  his  good  wife,  who  was  a  very  nervous 
woman,  became  very  much  alarmed  at  his  non-appear- 
ance, and  hastening  to  the  door,  in  answer  to  a  loud 
knock,  was  confronted  by  a  boy  holding  a  tin  pail,  which 
l*e  handed  to  the  frightened  woman,  exclaiming  : 

"  Here's  the  deacon's  guts !" 

The  alarm  of  the  poor  woman  upon  receiving  the  sup- 
posed contents  of  the  deceased  deacon's  abdomen  can  bo 
better  imagined  than  described. 


GRANT'S  "WHISKY. — A  "  Committee,"  just  previous  to 
the  fall  of  Yicksburg,  solicitous  for  the  morale  of  our 
armies,  took  it  upon  themselves  to  visit  the  President, 
and  urge  the  removal  of  General  Grant. 

"  "What  for  ?"  said  Mr.  Lincoln. 

"  "Why,"  replied  the  busybodies,  "  he  drinks  too  much 
whisky." 

"  Ah !"  rejoined  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  can  you  inform  me, 
gentlemen,  where  General  Grant  procures  his  whisky  ?" 

The  "  committee  "  confessed  they  could  not. 

"  Because,"  added  Mr.  Lincoln,  with  a  twinkle  in  his 
eyes,  "  if  I  can  find  out  I'll  send  every  general  in  the 
field  a  barrel  of  it." 

The  delegation  retired  in  reasonably  good  order. 


HODGE-PODGE. 


THE  LAWYER  AND  THE  NUN. 

THE  legs  of  French  women  are  justly  celebrated  for 
their  beauty.  Although  the  present  Parisian  taste  runs  a 
little  too  much  embonpoint,  Yenus  Gastriferia  being  the 
reigning  goddess,  those  very  useful  and  highly  orna- 
mental members  spoken  of  retain  only  that  circum- 
ference which  is  perfectly  compatible  with  elegance  and 
grace.  The  French  people  being  reduced  to  these  beau- 
tiful extremities  on  which  to  rest  their  claims  for  dis- 
tinction, have  consequently  a  language,  a  poetry  of 
their  own  —  dancing.  The  Gallic  limb,  discontented 
with  its  dark  imprisonment  in  long  skirts,  has  made 
dancing  its  declaration,  of  independence,  and  reveals  its 
rare  proportions  in  terpsichorean  antics.  Nor  does  it 
matter  under  what  humble  or  staid  concealment  of  skirt 
or  robe  it  performs  its  modest  duty  of  tripping  through 
the  world ;  the  passing  wind  will  almost  always  show 
you  the  ankle,  fine  and  firm  as  Diana's,  swelling  into  a 
calf  as  round  as  anybody  else's  you  choose. 

At  least  it  was  such  a  wind  that  made  such  a  revela- 
tion to  H.  X.,  a  young  and  talented  avocat  of  Paris. 
The  last  place  a  staid  and  proper  man  should  look  for  a 
beautiful  leg  is  under  the  black  habit  of  a  nun ;  and 
even  if  a  sacrilegious  mind  should  dare  to  raise  the  dark 
skirt  in  which  so  much  loveliness  and  beauty  may  be 
buried  for  the  still  more  beautiful  and  lovely  duties  of 
religion,  a  sober  and  well-regulated  man  would  refuse 
to  become  aider  and  abettor  of  the  accident — and  there- 
fore, as  bad  as  if  he  were  the  prime  mover  in  it — by 
permitting  his  eyes  to  rest  on  that  beauty  from  which 
even  sad  garments  could  not  take  the  charm.  Tip  to  the 


10  HODGE-PODGE. 

time  of  the  above  event,  M.  X.  was  a  man  of  the  highest 
honor  and  best  conduct.  It  must  have  been  the  devil, 
instead  of  the  wind,  that  with  invisible  hand  flapped 
aside  the  cloth  robe,  and  so  completely  overturned,  by 
the  same  stroke,  the  self-possession  of  the  young  avocat. 

It  was  in  one  of  the  old,  narrow  streets  that  still 
remain  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  Pantheon,  and  whicli 
suddenly  terminate  in  little  flights  of  steps,  landing  you 
in  another  street  on  another  level.  X.  was  pursuing  his 
way  along  one  of  these  antique  thoroughfares  when,  as 
he  was  about  to  mount  the  flight  of  stone  steps,  a  gust 
of  wind — his  hat  was  gone.  He  had  been  in  a  profound 
study,  with  his  eyes  fixed  on  the  ground,  and  his  hands 
behind  him ;  and  as  he  made  an  instinctive  gesture  to 
catch  his  hat,  casting  up  his  eyes  at  the  same  time,  he 
saw — well,  it  does  not  matter  what  he  saw.  He  saw 
what  we  have  tried  to  express  above ;  he  saw  that  the 
dark  disguisement  of  a  nun's  costume  could  not  rob  of 
its  charms  a  beautiful  ankle.  The  same  wind  that  so 
rudely  deprived  him  of  his  hat,  with  equal  unceremo- 
niousness raised  the  skirts  of  a  religeuse  who  chanced  to 
be  mounting  the  little  flight  of  steps  before  him. 

The  young  avocat  forgot  his  hat ;  he  stood  stupefied. 
And  as  the  nun  turned  with  a  frantic  movement  to  fight 
this  wind — which  was  the  devil  in  disguise — by  holding 
down  her  robe,  her  young  and  beautiful  face,  full  of 
horror  at  the  scandal  she  was  the  unwilling  instrument 
of,  met  his,  and  she  blushed,  and  then  became  deadly 
pale  on  observing  that  the  young  avocat  was  regarding 
her  with  such  rapt  admiration — nothing  more  nor  less 
than  her  legs.  The  expression  of  pain  and  grief  on  her 
face  showed  that  she  would  rather  die  than  be  the  means 
of  causing  unworthy  thoughts  in  the  mind  of  a  fellow- 


HODGE-PODGE.  11 

creature.  At  least  X.  so  interpreted  her  glance  when 
their  eyes  met.  The  futility  of  attempting  to  adorn  the 
rose  or  paint  the  lily  is  so  generally  acknowledged  that 
it  has  passed  into  a  proverb,  but  a  beautiful  leg  is  still 
more  beautiful  when  surmounted  by  a  beautiful  and  in- 
telligent face.  X.  acknowledged  as  much  by  expressing 
more  homage  as  he  gazed  into  her  face.  "  Heaven !" 
he  thought,  "  hast  thou  made  so  much  loveliness  to  be 
imprisoned  in  the  life  of  a  nun  ?" 

It  happened  that  near  the  flight  of  stone  steps  on 
which  the  above  event  took  place,  was  a  wine  shop, 
before  which  was  seated  a  commissionaire.  When  the 
latter  saw  the  hat  bounding  off  on  the  wings  of  the 
wind,  he  gave  chase,  and  after  capturing  it,  he  returned 
to  the  spot  where  X.  still  stood  in  his  surprise.  If  the 
presentation  of  the  hat  had  not  recalled  him  from  his 
abstraction,  he  surely  would  not  have  followed  the  nun, 
who,  with  her  old  and  wrinkled  companion,  was  just 
disappearing  around  the  corner  of  the  street. 

It  would  be  rather  the  task  of  a  romancer  than  of  a 
simple  reporter,  to  give  all  the  curious  and  interesting 
particulars  that  resulted  from  X.'s  sudden  and  absorb- 
ing passion  for  the  nun.  His  life  had  heretofore  been 
studious  and  well  ordered ;  and  besides  being  rich  he 
was  ambitious  in  his  profession,  and  a  bright  career  was 
prophecied  for  him ;  but  he  now  sacrificed  all  to  his 
eccentric  affection.  After  many  demarches,  and  hiring 
two  or  three  commissionaires,  he  discovered  that  his 
beautiful  nun  was  Sister  Mary  Augustine,  and  that  she 
belonged  to — well,  for  fear  of  compromising  a  praise- 
worthy order,  we  will  call  it  the  Sisterhood  of  the 
Solitary  Sheets.  Whenever  she  issued  from  the  convent 
on  her  errands  of  mercy,  she  was  seen  by  one  of  X.'s 


12  HODGE-PODGE. 

emissaries.  At  last  lie  formed  a  plan  for  trapping  the 
object  of  his  affections. 

One  day  when  Sister  Mary  Augustine  went  out, 
accompanied  by  a  companion  on  some  sacred  mission, 
she  was  accosted  by  a  commissionaire. 

"  Sister,"  he  said,  "  I  am  sent  by  a  poor  student  who 
is  dying  from  want  and  disease  in  a  lodging  near  by. 
I  am  afraid  to  lose  time  by  going  further ;  will  you  come 
to  his  aid  ?" 

They  had  already  started  on  a  pressing  charge,  and 
as  sufferino;  never  asks  unheeded  of  these  devoted 

o 

women,  one  continued  her  way,  while  Sister  Mary 
accompanied  the  messenger  to  a  miserable  garret,  where, 
amid  all  the  squalid  appurtenances  of  poverty,  was  X. 
He  had  employed  this  ruse  to  obtain  the  opportunity  of 
declaring  his  love  for  the  nun. 

~No  one  will  deny  that  where  there  is  a  heart  attainable 
by  the  eloquence  of  a  wooer,  only  the  homely,  whose 
hearts  are  withered  and  whose  legs  are  thin,  are  forever 
cold  to  the  plea  of  love.  In  an  hour's  time  X.  had 
declared  his  feelings  to  such  purpose  that  Mary  Augus- 
tine's blushing  and  beautiful  head  lay  weeping  on  his 
shoulder  ;  and,  following  up  the  first  happy  advantage, 
he  proposed  an  immediate  elopement.  In  twenty-four 
hours  they  were  in  England,  married.  The  disappear- 
ance of  the  nun  at  first  caused  fears  of  foul  play,  and  the 
journals  hinted  at  some  very  dreadful  and  mysterious 
doings,  until  the  researches  of  the  police,  aided  by  the 
testimony  of  the  commissionaire,  showed  that  the  only 
crimes  in  the  case  were  the  forgotten  vows  of  Sister 
Mary  Augustine. 


HODGE-PODGE.  13 

A  CUKE  FOR  THE  MEASLES. — A  lady  who  had  two 
children  sick  with  the  measles,  wrote  to  a  friend  for  the 
best  remedy.  The  friend  had  just  received  a  note  from 
another  lady  inquiring  the  way  to  pickle  cucumbers. 
In  the  confusion,  the  lady  who  inquired  about  the  pickles 
received  the  remedy  for  the  measles,  and  the  anxious 
mother  of  the  six  children,  with  horror  read  the  follow- 
ing; : 

"  Scald  them  three  or  four  times  in  hot  vinegar,  and 
sprinkle  them  with  salt,  and  in  a  very  few  days  they 
will  be  cured." 


A  GOOD  brother,  in  one  of  the  rural  districts,  thought 
he  had  a  call  to  preach.  Being  an  indifferent  reader, 
he  got  a  friend  to  read  the  Scripture.  The  chapter,  on 
one  occasion,  was  22d  Genesis,  which  contains  this  verse : 
"These  eight  did  Milcah  bear  to  Kahor,  Abraham's 
brother." 

On  this  the  preacher  held  forth  as  follows  : 
"  Brethren  and  sisters,  let  us  consider  our  blessings. 
Morning  and  evening  our  wives  and  daughters  milk  our 
cows,  and  thus  supply  our  wants ;  but  in  the  days  of 
good  old  Abraham,  as  you  have  just  heard,  it  took  eight 
to  milk  a  bear,  and  they  did  not  get  much  at  that." 


A  MATTER  OF  OPINION. — A  sporting  Quaker  puts  his 
bets  thus  : 

"  Friend  Edward,  thee  thinks  thy  horse  is  faster  than 
mine.  I  value  my  opinion  at  $25.  Now,  if  thee  values 
thy  opinion  at  the  same  rate,  we  will  put  the  money 
together,  and  ask  our  horses  what  they  think  of  it,  and 
leave  the  conclusion  to  them." 


14  HODGE-PODGE. 


AX  HONEST  MAK 

THE  admirable  and  beautiful  lines  found  below  are 
from  the  poems  of  the  ancient  Greek  poet  Philemon  : 

All  are  not  just  because  they  do  no  wrong ; 
But  he  who  will  not  wrong  me  when  he  may, 
He  only  is  the  truly  just.     I  praise  not  them 
Who,  in  their  petty  dealings,  pilfer  not; 
But  him,  whose  conscience  spurns  a  secret  fraud, 
When  he  might  plunder  and  defy  surprise. 
His  be  the  praise,  who,  looking  down  with  scorn 
Upon  the  false  judgment  of  the  partial  herd, 
Consults  his  own  clear  heart,  and  boldly  dares 
To  be,  not  to  be  thought,  an  honest  Man ! 


HOW  A  PKIEST  LOST  HIS  GOD. 

A  certain  priest  had  horded  up 

A  secret  mass  of  gold  ; 
But  where  he  might  bestow  it  safe, 

By  fancy  was  not  told. 
At  last,  it  came  into  his  head, 

To  lock  it  in  a  chest, 
Within  the  chancel ;  and  he  wrote 

Thereon,  "  Hie  Dem  est." 

A  merry  prig,  whose  greedy  mind 

Long  wish'd  for  such  a  prey, 
Respected  not  the  sacred  words 

That  on  the  casket  lay. 
Took  out  the  gold,  and  blotted  out 

The  priest's  inscript  thereon ; 
Wrote  "  Resurrexit  non  est  hie" 

"  Your  God  is  rose  and  gone." 


HODGE-PODGE.  15 

STAMPS  IN  HER  STOCKINGS. — A  gentleman  was  travel- 
ing in  the  South  unattached  and  unincumbered,  and  in 
order  to  gain  admission  to  the  superior  comforts  of  the 
ladies'  car,  he  used  to  assist  some  incumbered  lady 
traveling  alone,  and  pay  her  such  respectful  attentions 
as  her  helpless  situation  seemed  to  require. 

Once  going  from  Jackson,  Miss.,  to  New  Orleans,  he 
had  assisted  a  very  buxom  woman  with  a  quantity  of 
small  parcels,  and  had  otherwise  rendered  her  such 
small  services  as  any  gentleman  having  it  in  his  power 
would  render  to  a  lady  traveling  alone. 

On  arriving  at  New  Orleans,  the  same  attentions 
caused  him  to  find  himself  seated  next  to  her  in  the 
omnibus.  Preparatory  to  starting,  the  conductor  re- 
quired his  fare.  "When  her  turn  came,  after  several 
mysterious  struggles  and  plunges,  with  her  lap  full  of 
traps,  she  raised  her  head  and  said  : 

"  Mister,  I  guess  you're  a  preacher,  beyant  ye  ?  1 
guess  there  ain't  any  harm  in  you.  "When  I  travels,  I 
allers  carries  my  stamps  in  my  stockin,  'cause  you  see 
nothing  can  get  in  there ;  and  we  are  so  jammed  in 
here,  that  I'd  thank  yon,  old  man,  just  to  reach  in 
for  me." 


WHKN  Richard  Pierce,  printer,  of  Boston,  worked  off 
upon  his  hand-press,  on  the  25th  of  September,  1690,  the 
first  newspaper  ever  published  in  America,  the  Generel 
Court  took  the  sheet  into  custody,  held  solemn  debate 
over  the  daring  disturber  of  the  public  quiet,  and  voted 
that  it  "  contained  reflections  of  a  very  high  nature," 
and  its  publication  was  contrary  to  law.  It  was  not 
allowed  to  appear  again. 


16  HODGE-PODGE. 

SMAKT  BOY. — "  My  son,"  said  a  father,  "  take  that 
jug,  and  fetch  me  some  beer." 

"  Give  me  the  money,  then,  father." 

"  My  son,  to  get  beer  with  money,  anybody  can  do 
that — to  get  beer  without  money,  that's  a  trick." 

So  the  boy  takes  the  jug,  and  out  he  goes.  Shortly 
he  returns,  and  places  the  jug  before  his  father. 

"  Drink,"  said  the  son. 

"  How  can  I  drink,"  says  the  father,  "  when  there  is 
no  beer  in  the  jug  ?" 

"  To  drink  beer  out  of  a  jug,"  says  the  boy,  "  where 
there  is  beer,  anybody  can  do  that — but  to  drink  beer 
out  of  a  jug  when  there  is  no  beer,  that's  a  trick." 


THE  following  sprightly  lines  were  written  in  tlie 
choir  of  Rev.  Dr.  Scott's  church,  San  Francisco,  by  the 
chorister,  Mr.  James  N.  Olney,  and  were  suggested  by 
the  sight  of  the  pews  rendered  vacant  by  the  attractive 
eloquence  of  the  gifted  Rev.  Thomas  Starr  King  : 

STARS. 

The  stars  of  heaven  attract  our  gaze, 
And  charm  us  with  their  brilliant  ways  ; 
The  stars  of  earth,  fair  ladies'  eyes, 
Control  the  good,  the  great,  the  wise ; 
To  stars  theatric,  praise  we  sing; 
Outshines  them  all  the  great  Starr-King ! 
He  from  onr  Pastors  lures  their  flocks, 
And  plays  the  deuce  with  the  Orthodox  ! 


A  GENTLEMAN  being  asked  why  he  had  married  so 
small  a  wife,  "  Why,  my  friend,"  said  he,  "  I  thought 
you  had  known,  that  of  all  evils  we  should  choose  the 
least." 


HODGE-PODGE.  17 

YEARS  ago,  an  old  Indian,  who  used  to  travel  through 
the  country,  and  noted  for  his  ready  wit  as  a  rhymester, 
was  importuned  frequently  to  write  epitaphs.  On  one 
occasion  he  stopped  at  a  farmer's,  by  the  name  of  Kec- 
sel.  Keesel  thought  it  a  good  opportunity  to  secure  an 
epitaph  for  his  tombstone,  so  he  asked  the  old  man  to 
write  one  for  him.  After  the  Indian  had  refreshed  him- 
self with  a  good  supper,  he  wrote  the  following  : 

There  was  a  man  who  died  of  late, 
For  whom  angels  did  impatient  wait, 
With  outstretched  arms  and  wings  of  love, 
To  waft  him  to  the  realms  above — 

Old  Keesel  was  delighted  with  the  first  four  lines,  and 
was  anxious  for  the  old  man  to  finish  it  before  retiring, 
but  he  told  him  he  would  finish  it  after  breakfast. 
Keesel  was  wakeful  all  night  with  the  beauty  of  his 
epitaph.  Breakfast  was  ready  early,  and  the  old  man 
summoned.  After  eating  heartily,  he  put  on  his  hat, 
handed  Keesel  the  following,  and  started  off  upon  a 
pretty  fast  walk : 

"While  hovering  round  the  lower  skies, 
And  still  watching  for  the  prize, 
In  slipped  the  devil  like  a  weasel, 
And  down  to  hell  he  kicked  old  Keesel. 

At  a  proper  distance  the  Indian  ventured  to  look 
back,  and  saw  old  Keesel  shaking  his  fist  at  him  in  a 
terrible  passion. 

AMONG  the  conditions  of  sale  by  an  Irish  auctioneer 
was  the  following :  "  The  highest  bidder  to  be  pur- 
chaser, unless  some  gentleman  bids  more." 


18  HODGE-PODGE. 

THE  man  who  makes  a  joke  without  intending  it 
frequently  amuses  us  more  than  the  most  ingenious  of 
professional  jokers — as  when  the  milkman  in  the  play 
is  charged  with  putting  calves'  brains  in  his  milk,  he 
answered  : 

"  Brains  !     I  never  had  such  a  thing  in  my  head  !" 
It  was  the  same  sort  of  a  case  when  a  juryman  hav- 
ing asked  the  j  udge  to  excuse  him  from  serving  on  ac- 
count of  deafness,  the  latter  said  : 

"  Couldn't  you  hear  my  charge  to  the  grand  jury  ?" 
"  Yes,  I  heard  it,"  said  the  man,  "  but  I  couldn't  make 
any  sense  of  it  ?" 

SOME  time  ago,  a  party  of  theologians  were  at  dinner, 
and  of  course  the  conversation  at  once  turned  upon 
theology.  An  ardent  Universalist,  in  order  to  prove  his 
faith  by  an  illustration,  took  a  piece  of  meat  with  his 
fork,  and  stated  that  he  was  as  sure  of  going  to  heaven 
as  he  was  of  eating  that  piece  of  meat.  As  he  was 
raising  it  to  his  mouth,  it  dropped  from  his  fork  under 
the  table,  and  a  dog  swallowed  it.  That,  however,  only 
proved  the  old  adage,  "  There  is  many  a  slip  betwixt 
cup  and  lip." 


HODGE-PODGE.  19 

A  FRENCH  JOKE. 

THE    DEAD   ALIVE — A   MOST    EXTRAORDINARY   INCIDENT    IN 
PARISIAN   LIFE. 

A  YOUNG  man,  called  Arthur,  was  returning  lately 
from  the  country  to  Paris,  where  he  had  been  to  arrange 
some  family  affairs.  He  was  alone  part  of  the  way,  but 
at  some  distance  from  the  city  a  traveler  got  into  the 
coach. 

The  traveler  was  a  young  man  about  the  same  age  aa 
Arthur,  and  a  friendly  intercourse  soon  sprung  up  be- 
tween them.  The  new  comer's  name  was  Edward  B — . 
He  related  to  his  fellow-traveler  that  he  was  in  a  most 
peculiar  situation  :  he  was  going  to  be  married  to  a  lady 
whom  he  had  never  seen,  neither  did  he  know  her 
father ;  the  arrangement  had  been  made  by  a  friend  of 
both  parties,  the  preliminaries  had  been  gone  through 
by  correspondence,  and  all  seemed  to  make  it  a  very 
desirable  match. 

On  arriving  in  Paris,  Edward  and  Arthur  were  the 
best  friends  in  the  world. 

"I  hope  that  we  shall  meet  again,"  said  the  young 
provincial  to  Arthur,  "  and  if  you  were  not  in  a  hurry 
to  return  home,  you  would  do  me  much  pleasure  by 
breakfasting  with  me  at  the  hotel  where  I  stop." 

Arthur  accepted  the  invitation. 

The  young  people  had  been  hardly  half  an  hour  at 
table  when  Edward  was  taken  suddenly  with  a  fit,  and 
died  before  assistance  could  be  procured. 

This  sad  occurrence  threw  Arthur  into  great  conster- 
nation, and  he  wished  at  least  to  render  a  last  service  to 
the  friend  that  he  had  lost,  by  going  to  inform  the  fam- 


20  HODGE-PODGE. 

ily  in  winch  Edward  was  expected  of  the  sad  catas- 
trophe. 

However,  before  fulfilling  this  sad  mission,  he  went 
home  to  his  young  wife,  whom  he  was  afraid  would  be 
uneasy  at  his  absence,  so  that  it  was  not  until  about  five 
in  the  afternoon  that  he  was  able  to  call  upon  Mr.  C — . 

Mr.  C — ,  who  doubted  not  on  seeing  him  that  he  was 
his  intended  son-in-law,  received  him  with  open  arms. 

"  How  glad  I  am  to  see  you,  my  dear  Edward  !"  said 
he ;  "  we  were  only  waiting  for  you  to  go  to  dinner." 

So  saying,  he  hurried  the  perplexed  Arthur  into  the 
dining-room,  where,  independent  of  his  wife  and  daugh- 
ter, were  assembled  several  friends  who  were  to  be  pre- 
sented to  the  future  son-in-law. 

Mr.  C — 's  fluency  of  speech  was  so  great  that  Arthur, 
not  being  able  to  get  in  a  single  word  to  undeceive  him, 
was  obliged  to  resign  himself  to  the  part  forced  upon 
him,  and  allowed  himself  to  be  presented  to  the  young 
lady.  He  forgot  even  the  death  of  poor  Edward,  and 
could  not  help  smiling  at  the  strangeness  of  the  adven- 
ture, which  was  more  like  a  scene  in  a  farce  than  any- 
thing so  serious  as  the  reality. 

This  thought  so  tickled  his  fancy,  that  his  spirits  be- 
came excited,  and  he  was  so  witty  and  agreeable  during 
dinner,  that  everybody,  including  the  young  lady,  were 
delighted  with  the  supposed  Edward. 

At  a  quarter  to  seven,  just  as  they  were  going  to  tea, 
Arthur  looked  at  his  watch,  and  rose. 

"A  thousand  pardons,"  said  he  to  Mr.  C — ,  "but  I 
am  unfortunately  obliged  to  leave  you." 

"  Leave  us,  and  why  ?" 

"  For  an  affair  which  does  not  allow  of  the  least 
delay." 


HODGE-PODGE.  21 

"  What  affair  can  you  have  in  Paris,  where  you  aro 
quite  a  stranger  ? — besides,  on  this  occasion,  I  quite  ex- 
pected that  you  would,  at  least,  have  devoted  to  us  this 
evening." 

"  Impossible,  my  dear  sir,  impossible  !" 

"  How  ?  impossible  !" 

"  Well,"  said  Arthur,  "  since  you  must  know  all,  learn 
that  at  ten  o'clock  this  morning  I  arrived  in  Paris,  and 
at  half-past  ten  I  died,  and  that  as  the  weather  is  warm 
they  mean  to  bury  me  this  evening  at  seven  o'clock. 
You  must  be  aware  that  I  cannot  keep  the  funeral  cere- 
mony waiting ;  it  would  give  them  a  very  bad  opinion 
of  me.  Besides,  the  Young  France  Hotel  won't  keep 
my  body  any  longer." 

After  this  speech,  Arthur  took  his  hat  and  vanished. 

"  What  an  original !"  said  Mr.  C — .  "  Come,  I  shall 
have  a  very  witty  relation  ;  but  I  wish  he  would  have 
jested  on  a  gayer  subject.  You  see  he'll  be  back  in 
half  an  hour  ;  I  dare  say  he's  gone  to  smoke  a  cigar  on 
the  Boulevards.  This  is,  no  doubt,  the  way  they  joke 
in  the  country." 

Ten  o'clock  struck,  and  the  intended  had  not  re- 
turned. 

Mr.  C —  became  uneasy  ;  and,  to  solve  the  mystery, 
went  to  the  hotel,  and  inquired  for  Edward  B — .  They 
related  to  him  that  a  traveler  arrived  there  that  morn- 
ing at  ten,  and  that  half  an  hour  after  he  had  died,  and 
had  been  buried  that  evening  at  seven  ;  to  substantiate 
which  statement  they  produced  the  official  deposition 
of  the  death  of  Edward  B— . 

Poor  Mr.  C —  returned  home  in  a  state  impossible  to 
describe.  His  belief  in  ghosts  and  fetches  since  this 
occurrence  remains  unshaken. 


22  HODGE-PODGE. 

TKADING  HOESES. 

A    PIECE   OF   VERY    SHARP   PRACTICE. 

GEORGE  "W.  KENDALL  writes  from  Texas  to  the  New 
Orleans  Picayune : 

"  Yon  must  all  recollect  little  "Winter,  of  Georgia,  who 
used  to  keep  a  banking  and  lottery  office  at  Mont- 
gomery, Alabama.  "Well,  one  afternoon,  as  Winter  was 
Bitting  in  front  of  his  own  office,  a  chap  came  cavorting 
up  on  the  outside  of  a  showy  sorrel  horse,  head  and  tail 
up,  and  promptly  opened,  as  he  drew  reign,  with  : 

11 '  Winter,  do  you  want  a  horse  ?' 

" '  2STo,'  was  the  response. 

"The  chap  put  spurs  to  the  sorrel,  of  course  on  the  off 
side  from  where  Mr.  Winter  sat,  and  caracoled  and 
cavorted  about  the  street.  Finally,  drawing  up  a  second 
time  in  front  of  the  office,  he  reopened  with : 

" '  Winter,  1  want  to  sell  this  horse  badly.' 

"  *  What'll  you  take  for  him  ?'  quoth  Winter,  jokingly. 

"  '  One  hundred  and  fifty  dollars,'  retorted  the  chap, 
putting  his  spur  into  the  horse's  side,  and  kiting  about 
in  p,  circle. 

"  'I  won't  give  no  such  price,'  continued  Winter  ;  "  I 
don't  want  the  horse,  no  how.' 

'"What  will  you  give  for  him?'  queried  the  chap, 
giving  him  another  circus  turn. 

"  '  Twenty-five  dollars !'  said  Winter,  '  and  not  a  cent 
more.' 

"  The  fellow  raised  himself  coolly  on  his  left  foot  in  the 
stirrup,  threw  his  right  leg  slowly  and  gracefully  over 
the  saddle  and  to  the  ground,  handed  the  reins  to  Win- 
ter, and  quietly  said : 


HODGE-PODGE.  23 

"  <  The  animal  is  your'n ;  a  little  difference  of  $125 
don't  stop  me  in  ahorse  trade  just  now!'  and  Winter 
\vas  the  owner  of  the  horse. 

"  He  sent  him  to  a  livery  stable,  and  in  about  an  hour 
the  keeper  came  to  Winter's  office  with  '  "What  in  the 
name  of  common  sense  did  you  send  such  an  animal  to 
me  for  ?  He'll  poison  the  whole  stable.' 

"  '  What's  the  matter  with  him  ?'  quoth  Winter ;  '  he 
cavorted  about  lively  enough  when  I  saw  him.' 

" '  Matter !  Why,  he's  ring-boned,  spavined,  hip- 
shot,  has  the  poll-evil,  and  may  be  glandered,  for  what 
I  know !' 

"  Winter  went  to  a  book-store,  laid  out  $2  50  for 
'Youatt  &  Martin  on  the  Horse,'  hied  to  the  livery 
stables,  sat  himself  down,  had  the  animal  led  out  of  his 
stall,  and  on  looking  him  over,  found  he  had  erery  dis- 
ease set  down  in  the  catalogue ;  $25  00  for  a  horse,  and 
$2  50  for  book  to  study  his  ailments — a  clear  loss  of 
$27  50.'" 

A  EEMAKKABLE  instance  of  presence  of  mind  was 
recently  given  in  France.  Monsieur  Durand  was  talk- 
ing with  his  mother-in-law,  at  her  country  chateau, 
when  a  stroke  of  lightning  almost  literally  reduced  her 
to  ashes.  The  domestics  ran  into  her  room,  when, 
without  moving  a  muscle,  Monsieur  Durand  said,  "  John, 
sweep  up  my  mother-in-law." 


Men,  dying  make  their  wills, 
But  wives  escape  a  work  so  sad  ; 

Why  shonld  they  make  what,  all  their  lives, 
The  gentle  dames  have  had  ? — SAXH. 


24  HODGE-PODGE. 

A  MAD  DOG  STORY. — A  good  story  is  told  of  one  of 
the  baggage  masters  of  an  important  station  between 
"Worcester  and  Boston,  a  fat,  good  natured,  droll  fellow, 
whose  jokes  have  become  quite  popular  on  the  road. 
His  name  is  Bill.  A  short  time  since,  while  in  the  per- 
formance of  his  duties  in  checking  baggage,  an  ugly 
little  Scotch  terrier  got  in  his  way,  and  he  gave  him  a 
smart  kick,  which  sent  him  over  the  track,  yelping. 
The  owner  of  the  dog  soon  appeared  in  high  dudgeon, 
wanting  to  know  why  he  kicked  the  dog. 

"Was  that  your  do'g?"  asked  Bill,  with  his  usual 
drawl. 

"Certainly,  it  was;  what  right  have  you  to  kick  him?" 

«  He's  mad,"  said  Bill. 

"  No,  he's  not  mad,  either,"  said  the  owner. 

"  Well,  I  should  be  if  anybody  kicked  me  in  that 
way,"  responded  Bill. 

AN  ENRAGED  EDITOR. — Somebody  has  shot  a  dog  be- 
longing to  the  editor  of  the  Princeton  (Ky.)  Progress, 
who  unpacks  his  heart  and  falls  to  cursing  in  the  follow- 
ing original  vein  : 

"  If  the  two-legged,  bob-tailed  dog  that  shot  our  four- 
legged,  long-tailed  dog  on  Tuesday  night  last,  will  call 
at  our  office,  he  can  get  his  hide  —  tanned — muchly. 
Any  one  who  will  wait  until  a  dark  night  to  shoot  a  pup 
that  he  knows  wouldn't  bite  any  meat  it  thinks  is  alive, 
wouldn't  hesitate  to  steal  Blind  George's  last  five-center, 
and  kick  the  old  darkey  because  Congress  couldn't,  by 
special  enactment,  make  the  aforesaid  individual  Blind 
George's  equal — nor  wouldn't  dare  face  a  white  cat  in 
a  dark  alley,  with  a  brace  of  ten-inch  navy  sixes  and  a 
slung-shot." 


HODGE-PODGE. 


25 


BABY'S  LETTER. 


Dear  old  Untie, 

I  dot  oor  letter ; 
My  old  Mammy 

She  ditten  better. 
She  every  day 

Little  bit  stronger, 
Don't  mean  to  be  sick 

Very  much  longer. 
Daddy's  so  fat 

Can't  hardly  stagger, 
Mammy  says  he  jinks 

Too  much  lager ! 
Dear  little  Baby 

Had  a  bad  colic, 
Had  to  take  tree  drops 

Nassy  paragolic  ! 
Toot  a  dose  of  Tatnip, 

Felt  worse  than  ever, 
Shan't  take  no  more 

Tatnip,  never! 
"Wind  on  stomit, 

Felt  pooty  bad ; 
Worse  fit  of  sitness 

Ever  I  had. 
Ever  had  belly  ate, 

Old  Untie  Bill  ? 
Tain't  no  fun  now, 

Say  what  oo  will. 
I  used  to  sleep  all  day 

And  cry  all  night ; 
Don't  do  so  now 

Cause  tain't  yight ! 


But  I'm  growing, 

Getting  pooty  fat ; 
Gains  most  two  pounds, 

Only  tink  o'  yat ! 
Little  femnin  blankets 

"Was  too  big  before, 
Nurse  can't  pin  me 

In  'em  no  more. 
Skirts  so  small, 

Baby  so  stout, 
Had  to  let  the  plaits 

In  'em  all  out. 
Got  a  head  of  hair 

Jess  as  black  as  night, 
And  big  boo  eyes 

Yat  look  very  bright ; 
My  mammy  says 

Never  did  see 
Any  ozzer  baby 

Half  as  sweet  as  me. 
Grandma  comes  often, 

Aunt  Sarah  too ; 
Baby  loves  zem, 

Baby  loves  'oo. 
Baby  sends  a  pooty  kiss 

To  his  Unties  all, 
Aunties  and  Cousins, 

Big  folks  and  small. 
Can't  yite  no  more, 

So  good  by, 
Jolly  ole  Untie 

Wiz  a  glass  eye ! 


NEVER  marry  a  woman  if  she  wears  either  black 
stockings  or  a  night-cap. 


26  HODGE-PODGE. 

A  LANDLORD  RETALIATED  UPON. — A  gentleman,  well 

known  as  a  New  York  drummer,  named  Frank  "VV , 

stopped  for  supper  at  the  little  town  of  Salem,  Ohio,  on 
the  Pittsburgh,  Fort  Wayne  and  Chicago  Eailroad,  a 
short  time  ago.  He  was  hungry,  and  fifteen  minutes 
was  all  the  time  allowed  for  refreshment.  At  least 
seven  minutes  had  elapsed  before  Frank  could  catch  the 
eye  of  the  waiter,  when  he  was  furnished  with  a  cup  of 
coffee  and  a  plate  of  beans.  The  beans  were  but  half 
devoured,  when  the  landlord  came  along  and  demanded 
a  dollar.  Frank  protested,  but  the  landlord  was  obsti- 
nate, and  "  all  aboard  1"  being  heard,  our  drummer 
friend  was  compelled  to  shell  out.  Shortly  afterward, 
being  in  Cincinnati,  he  inquired  at  the  telegraph  office 
if  he  could  send  a  dollar  dispatch  to  Salem,  to  be  paid 
at  its  destination.  The  clerk  told  him  he  could,  when 
the  following  was  sent,  "  C.  O.  D."  : 

CINCINNATI,  December  10,  1867. 
To  E.  M.  Stone,  Salem,  Ohio  : 
I  still  think  the  price  of  your  beans  too  high. 

FRANK  W . 

History  does  not  record  what  Stone  did  or  said  on  re- 
ceipt of  this  dispatch,  for  which  he  had  paid  his  dollar, 
but  his  feelings  may  be  imagined. 


LIKES  written  by  a  lady  on  hearing  another  lady 
praise  a  certain  reverend  gentleman's  eyes : 

"  I  cannot  praise  the  Doctor's  eyes, 
I  never  saw  his  glance  divine  ; 
For,  when  he  prays  he  shuts  his  eyes — 
And  when  he  preaches  he  shuts  mine  1" 


HODGE-PODGE.  27 

PATRICK'S  ATTEMPT  AT  GERMAN. — Frederick  the  Great 
of  Prussia  had  a  great  mania  for  enlisting  gigantic  sol- 
diers into  the  Royal  Guards,  and  paid  an  enormous 
bounty  to  his  recruiting  officers  for  getting  them.  One 
day  the  recruiting  sergeant  chanced  to  spy  a  Hibernian 
who  was  at  least  seven  feet  high ;  he  accosted  him  in 
English,  and  proposed  that  he  should  enlist.  The  idea 
of  military  life  and  a  large  bounty  so  delighted  Patrick 
that  he  immediately  consented. 

"  Bat,  unless  you  can  speak  German,  the  king  will 
not  give  you  so  much." 

"  Oh,"  said  the  Irishman,  "  sure  it's  I  that  don't  know 
a  word  of  German." 

"  But,"  said  the  sergeant,  "  three  words  will  be  suffi- 
cient, and  these  you  can  learn  in  a  short  time.  The 
king  knows  every  man  in  the  Guards.  As  soon  as  he 
sees  you,  he  will  ride  up  and  ask  you  how  old  you  are  ? 
You  will  say,  '  Twenty-seven.'  Next,  how  long  you 
have  been  in  the  service  ?  You  must  reply,  '  Three 
weeks.'  Finally,  if  you  are  provided  with  clothes  and 
rations  ?  You  answer,  '  Both.'  r 

Pat  soon  learned  to  pronounce  his  answers,  but  never 
dreamed  of  learning  questions.  In  three  weeks  he  ap- 
peared before  the  king  in  review.  His  majesty  rode  up 
to  him.  Paddy  stepped  forward  with  "  present  arms." 

lt  How  old  are  you  ?"  said  the  king. 

"  Three  weeks  ?"  said  the  Irishman. 

"  How  long  have  you  been  in  the  service  ?"  asked  his 
majesty. 

"  Twenty-seven  years." 

"  Am  I  or  you  a  fool  ?"  roared  the  king. 

"  Both,"  replied  Patrick,  who  was  instantly  taken  to 
the  guard-room,  but  pardoned  by  the  king  after  he 
understood  the  facts  of  the  case. 


28  HODGE-PODGE. 

Two  fast  fellows,  riding  after  a  fast  nag,  observed  a 
farmer  sowing  seed.  One  of  them  accosted  him  thus  : 

"  "Well,  honest  fellow,  'tis  your  business  to  sow,  but 
we  reap  the  fruits  of  your  labor." 

"  'Tis  very  likely  you  may,"  replied  the  farmer,  "  for 
I  am  sowing  hemp." 

"  ALL  men,"  said  Byron,  "  are  intrinsic  rascals,  and  I 
am  only  sorry  that,  not  being  a  dog,  I  cannot  bite 
them." 

He  also  said  that  he  had  rather  have  a  nod  from  an 
American  than  a  snuff-box  from  an  Emperor. 


AN  old  proverb  says,  "  God  hath  given  to  some  men 
wisdom  and  understanding,  and  to  others  the  art  of 
playing  on  the  fiddle." 

"  AN  act  in  addition  to  an  act" — to  knock  a  man 
down,  and  kick  him  into  the  bargain. 


WHO  would  believe   that  Edmund   Burke  was  the 
originator  of  the  phrase,  "  Go  it,  boots?" 

MELANCHOLY  CASE  OF  SUICIDE. 

ON  a  log,  sat  a  frog, 

Crying  for  his  daughter, 
Tears  he  shed  till  his  eyes  were  red, 

And  then  jumped  into  the  water— 
And  drowned  himself. 


THE  world  is  a  bundle  of  hay, 

Mankind  are  the  asses  who  pull, 
Each  tugs  it  a  different  way, 

And  the  greatest  of  all  is  John  Bull. — Byron. 


HODGE-PODGE.  29 

"  AIN'T  it  wicked  to  rob  dis  chicken  roost,  Jim  ?" 
"  Dat's  a  great  moral  question,  Gumbo  ;  we  isn't  no 
time  to  argue  it  now.     Hand  down  anodder  pullet." 


A  SON  of  Erin  once  cautioned  the  public  against  har 
boring  or  trusting  his  wife  Peggy  on  his  account,  as  Tie 
was  not  married  to  her. 


AN  Irishman  complained  of  his  physician,  that  he 
kept  so  stuffing  him  with  drugs  that  he  was  sick  for  a 
week  after  he  was  quite  well. 


TROUBLES  are  like  dogs,  the  smaller  they  are  the  more 
they  annoy  you. 

IN  walking,  always  turn  your  toes  out  and  thoughts 
inward. 

KEEP  aloof  from  quarrels — be  neither  a  witness,  nor 
a  party. 

DANGER  should  be  feared  when  distant,  and  braved 
when  present. 

A  MAN  who  is  not  ashamed  of  himself,  need  not  be 
ashamed  of  his  early  condition  in  life. 


DISINTERESTEDNESS  is  the  very  soul  of  virtue. 


TO  A  FULL  MOON. 

ALL  hail,  thou  glorious  moon, 

Bright  as  a  now  tin  pan, 
Thou  greatest,  roundest,  noblest  source 

Of  bread  and  cheese  to  man ! 


30  HODGE-PODGE. 

CAMP-MEETING  ANECDOTE. — At  a  camp-meeting,  a  num- 
ber of  ladies  continued  standing  on  the  benches,  notwith- 
standing the  frequent  hints  from  the  ministers,  to  sit 
down.  A  reverend  old  gentleman,  noted  for  his  good 
humor,  arose  and  said  : 

"  I  think  if  those  ladies  standing  on  the  benches  knew 
they  had  holes  in  their  stockings,  they  would  sit  down." 

This  address  had  the -desired  effect — there  was  an  im- 
mediate sinking  into  the  seats. 

A  young  minister  standing  behind  him,  and  blushing 
to  the  temples,  said : 

"  Oh,  brother,  how  could  you  say  that !" 

"  Say  that !"  said  the  old  gentleman,  "  'tis  a  fact — if 
they  hadn't  holes  in  their  stockings,  I'd  like  to  know 
how  they  could  get  them  on." 

PRIVILEGES  OF  ENGLISH  JURIES. — Juries  in  England 
have  some  privileges  not  accorded  to  those  in  this  country. 
In  a  recent  case  at  Chester,  a  bill  of  £5  for  liquor  and 
cigars  consumed  by  the  jurors  was  allowed  by  the  court. 


SPRING  BIRDS. 

The  first  bird  of  spring 

Attempted  to  sing, 
But  ere  he  had  rounded  a  note, 

He  fell  from  the  limb— 

Ah,  a  dead  bird  was  him — 
The  music  had  friz  in  his  throat. 


ODE  TO  WINTER. 

Whew! 
See  it  snew. 
Last  night  it  blue, 
And  it  fiew, 

Tew! 


HODGE-PODGE.  31 

*  A  MAN  HANGED  IN  HIS  CELL — HE  WRITES  HIS  OWN 
EPITAPH. — Recently  the  boys  who  feed  the  prisoners  at 
the  county  jail,  Evansville,  Ind.,  as  usual  visited  the 
different  cells  for  the  purpose  of  giving  out  the  regular 
morning  rations.  All  the  prisoners  answered  to  "  roll 
call,"  and  partook  of  their  rations,  except  one  Mr.  Trent, 
who  was  confined'in  jail  upon  a  charge  of  having  stolen 
a  coat  and  pawned  it  to  Mr.  Gumberts.  On  reaching 
the  cell  door,  the  attendants  were  struck  with  horror  and 
amazement  at  beholding  the  lifeless  remains  of  the  occu- 
pant, suspended  by  a  rope.  They  quickly  called  the 
jailer,  Alexander  Dexter,  who,  with  the  utmost  speed, 
hastened  in  search  of  Sheriff  Miller,  informing  him  of 
the  fact  that  Trent  had  "  shuffled  off  this  mortal  coil." 

A  messenger  was  sent  in  hot  haste  for  the  coroner — 
who  was  found  quietly  eating  his  breakfast — with  a  view 
of  holding  a  coroner's  inquest.  In  due  course  of  time 
the  coroner  arrived,  and  the  sheriff,  jailer,  and  all  being 
present,  the  cell  of  the  suicide  was  entered  by  Sheriff 
Miller,  who,  in  breathless  silence,  proceeded  to  examine 
the  "  cold  corpus."  Taking  hold  of  the  arm,  to  see  how 
stiff  it  waSj  he  found  that  it  readily  yielded  to  the  touch, 
and  upon  a  closer  examination,  he  discovered  that  the 
suicide  consisted  of  the  clothes  of  the  aforesaid  Trent — 
hat,  boots  and  all — stuffed  and  suspended  to  the  ceiling 
by  a  rope,  while  the  prisoner  broke  out  in  loud  laughter 
from  under  the  bed.  Of  course  the  curses  were  not  loud, 
but  deep.  The  prisoner  had  written  his  own  "  epitaph," 
of  which  the  following  is  a  true  copy : 

I  leave  you,  my  friends,  I  leave  this  jail, 
For  -want  of  better  sense  (and  bail) ; 
But,  friends,  do  not  let  your  courage  fail, 
For  out  of  this  you  are  bound  to  sail. 


32  HODGE-PODGE. 

The  world  did  say  I  stole  a  coat, 
And  "with  old  Gumberts  did  it  soak  ; 
But  this,  my  friends,  treat  as  a  goak, 
And  think  of  me  and  not  the  coat. 

My  friends,  do  not  with  indignation  boil, 
I  leave  you  ;  I  was  not  made  to  toil. 
I  shuffled  off  this  mortal  coil, 
"Without  the  use  of  lard  or  oil. 

Virtue  claims  me  for  her  own, 
She  shall  have  me — she  alone. 

It  may  be  proper  to  state  here  that  Trent  made  a  des- 
perate attempt  to  break  jail  some  time  since,  for 
which  he  was  subjected  to  the  strictest  surveillance 
by  Sheriff  Miller.  His  last  effort  to  escape — for  doubt- 
less that  was  his  object — was  ingenious  and  novel,  and 
but  for  the  precaution  of  calling  the  coroner  and  sum- 
moning a  jury  for  a  coroner's  inquest,  he  might  have 
escaped.  The  jailor  is  not  able  to  see  a  joke  in  it.  The 
sheriff  considers  that  prisoners  have  no  right  to  joke. 


A  STRONG  AFFAIK. — Professor  P (a  distinguished 

musician  of  Philadelphia),  undertook  to  escort  a  young 
lady,  an  opera,  singer  of  some  note,  to  the  contiguous 
borough  of  Germantown,  where  they  had  been  invited 
to  dine  with  some  friends.  It  was  Sunday,  and  the 
party,  as  the  surest  and  cheapest  conveyance,  determined 
to  patronize  the  stage,  a  mode  of  traveling  which  the 
lady  viewed  with  but  little  favor. 

Before  they  had  gone  a  mile  on  their  journey,  she 
complained  of  a  feeling  of  faintness,  which  was  suc- 
ceeded by  sickness  at  the  stomach. 

"  Oh,  heavens !"  she  exclaimed,  throwing  her  head 


HODGE-PODGE.  93 

langui  shingly  on  the  professor's  shoulder,  "  what  shall 
I  do  ?" 

"  It  is  very  strange,"  mused  the  professor. 

"  Strange !  oh,  it  is  dreadful !" 

"Perhaps  it  is  the  motion  of  the  stage  ?" 

"  Oh,  no,  not  that." 

"  Doubtless  you  have  had  an  attack  of  that  kind  be- 
fore ?" 

"Oh,  never!"  she  gasped;  "never — oh — ah!  Why 
did  1  come  ?"  and  she  almost  fell  fainting  into  the  arms 
of  the  alarmed  professor. 

"  Perhaps  you  have  pain  ?" 

"Not  that— oh— ohl" 

"  What  then  is  it  like  2" 

"  It  is — ah — excuse  me,  professor — it  is  a  smell !  Oh, 
such  a  smell !  I  shall  die — I  shall  die  !" 

"  A  smell !"  uttered  the  thoroughly  perplexed  musi- 
cian— "  a  smell !  I  smell  nothing,"  and  he  snuffed  the 
air  to  the  right  and  left  like  a  buffalo. 

The  passengers  laughed  and  winked,  but  it  was  soon 
apparent  that  without  relief  the  lady  could  not  long 
survive. 

"  Air !  air !  air !"  she  gasped  hysterically,  as  the 
alarmed  professor  threw  open  the  window. 

"Oh,  it  is  horrible,  vile,  villianous!"  ejaculated  the 
opera  singer,  revived  by  the  fresh  air. 

And  thus  with  her  handsome  head  thrust  out  of  the 
window,  she  finished  the  unpleasant  journey.  Occa- 
sionally, however,  her  sensitive  nostrils  were  assailed 
with  the  disagreeable  odor  of  which  she  complained. 

That  day  at  dinner,  she  was  invited  to  taste  some  fine 
cheese.  When  the  plate  was  handed  to  her  she  turned 
pale. 


34  HODGE-PODGE. 

"  Take  it  away — take  it  away  I"  she  exclaimed,  "  it  is 
the  horrible  smell  that  sickened  me  in  the  stage  1" 

"  Why,  that's  a  good  schmell,"  expostulated  the  pro- 
fessor ;  "  I  brought  out  this  lump  in  mine  pocket,  as  a 
present  to  our  kint  friends  !" 

The  lady  fainted,  and  the  worthy  professor  has  not 
been  known  to  carry  Dutch  cheese  in  his  pocket  since. 


WAS  HE  TIPSY? — An  officer  in  Georgia  relates  the 
following  conversation  as  occurring  one  evening  in  the 
army: 

Artillery  Captain. — "  Corporal,  do  you  see  that  light 
yonder  ?" 

Corporal. — "  Yes,  sir." 

Captain. — "  Can't  you  train  your  gun  to  put  a  hole 
through  it  ?" 

Corporal. — (looking  carefully  through  the  trees  in  the 
direction  of  the  light),  "  Why,  Captain,  that's  the  moon 
just  rising." 

Captain. — "  Don't  make  a  bit  o'  difference ;  put  a  hole 
right  through  it." 

JOSEPH  AND  POTIPHAR'S  WIFE. — An  honest  Dutchman 
in  training  up  his  son  in  the  way  he  should  go,  fre- 
quently exercised  him  in  Bible  lessons.  On  one  of  these 
occasions  he  asked  him  : 

"  Who  vas  dat  who  vould  not  shleep  mit  Botifer's 
wife  ?" 

"  Shoseph." 

"  Dat's  a  coot  boy  !  Yel,  vot  was  de  reason  he  would 
not  shleep  mit  her  ?" 

"  Don't  know — 'spose  he  vasn't  shleepy." 


ITEMS  FROM  JOE  MILLER. 


"A  little  nonsense  now  and  then 
Is  relished  by  the  wisest  men." 

THREE  or  four  roguish  scholars  walking  out  one  day 
from  the  University  of  Oxford,  spied  a  poor  fellow  near 
Abingdon  asleep  in  a  ditch,  with  an  ass  by  him,  loaded 
with  earthenware,  holding  the  bridle  in  his  hand :  says 
one  of  the  scholars  to  the  rest,  "  If  you  will  assist  me, 
I'll  help  you  to  a  little  money,  for  you  know  we  are  bare 
at  present."  No  doubt  of  it  they  were  not  long  consent- 
ing. "  Why,  then,"  said  he,  "  we'll  go  and  sell  this  old 
fellow's  ass  at  Abingdon;  for  you  know  the  fair  is 
to-morrow,  and  we  shall  meet  with  chapmen  enough  ; 
therefore  do  you  take  the  panniers  off,  and  put  them 
upon  my  back,  and  then  lead  you  the  ass  to  market,  and 
let  me  alone  with  the  old  man.  This  being  done  accord- 
ingly, in  a  little  time  after,  the  poor  man  awaking,  was 
strangely  surprised  to  see  his  ass  thus  metamorphosed. 

"  Oh !  for  God's  sake,"  said  the  scholar,  "  take  this 
bridle  out  of  my  mouth,  and  this  load  from  my 
back." 

"  Zoons !  how  came  you  here  ?"  replied  the  old 
man. 

"  Why,"  said  he,  "  my  father,  who  is  a  necromancer, 
upon  an  idle  thing  I  did  to  disoblige  him,  transformed 


2  ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER. 

me  into  an  ass  ;  but  now  his  heart  has  relented,  and  I 
am  come  to  my  own  shape  again,  I  beg  you  will  let  me 
go  home  and  thank  him." 

"  By  all  means,"  said  the  crockery  merchant ;  ';  I 
don't  desire  to  have  anything  to  do  with  conjuration  ;" 
and  so  set  the  scholar  at  liberty,  who  went  directly  to 
his  comrades,  that  by  this  time  were  making  merry  with 
the  money  they  had  sold  the  ass  for.  But  the  old  fellow 
was  forced  to  go  the  next  day  to  seek  for  a  new  one  in 
the  fair ;  and  after  having  looked  on  several,  his  own 
was  shown  him  for  a  very  good  one. 

"  O,  ho !"  said  he,  "  what !  have  he  and  his  father 
quarrelled  again  ?  No,  no,  I'll  have  nothing  to  say 
to  him." 


GUN  JONES,  who  had  made  a  fortune  from  a  very 
mean  beginning,  happening  to  have  some  words  with  a 
person  who  had  known  him  for  some  time,  was  asked 
by  the  other  how  he  could  have  the  impudence  to  give 
himself  so  many  airs,  when  he  knew  very  well  that  he 
remembered  him  seven  years  before  with  hardly  a  rag 
to  his  back. 

"  You  lie,  sirrah,"  replied  Jones ;  "  seven  years  ago  I 
had  nothing  but  rags  to  my  back." 


WHEN  Eabelais,  the  greatest  droll  in  France,  lay  on 
his  death-bed,  he  could  not  help  jesting  at  the  very  last 
moment ;  for,  having  received  the  extreme  unction,  a 
friend  coining  to  see  him,  said  he  hoped  he  was  prepared 
for  the  next  world. 

"  Yes,  yes,"  replied  Rabelais,  "  I  am  ready  for  my 
journey  now  ;  they  have  just  greased  my  boots." 


ITEMS    FROM   JOE    MILLER.  6 

WHEN  Sir  Kichard  Steele  was  fitting  up  his  great 
room  in  York  Buildings  for  public  orations,  he  happened 
at  one  time  to  be  pretty  much  behind-hand  with  his 
workmen,  and  coming  one  day  among  them,  to  see  how 
they  went  forward,  ordered  one  of  them  to  get  into  the 
rostrum,  and  make  a  speech,  that  he  might  observe  how 
it  could  be  heard  ;  the  fellow  mounting,  and  scratching 
his  pate,  told  him  he  knew  not  what  to  say,  for  in  truth 
he  was  no  orator. 

"  Oh  !"  said  the  knight,  "  no  matter  for  that ;  speak 
anything  that  comes  uppermost." 

"  Why  here,  Sir  Kichard,"  says  the  fellow,  "  we  have 
been  working  for  you  these  six  weeks,  and  cannot  get 
one  penny  of  money ;  pray,  sir,  when  do  you  design 
to  pay  us  ?" 

"  Yery  well,  very  well,"  said  Sir  Richard ;  "  pray 
come  down  ;  I  have  heard  enough  ;  I  cannot  but  own 
you  speak  very  distinctly,  though  I  don't  admire  your 
subject." 

A  COUNTRY  parson  having  divided  his  text  under  two- 
and-twenty  heads,  one  of  the  congregation  went  out  of 
the  church  in  a  great  hurry,  and  being  met  by  a  friend, 
he  asked  him  whither  he  was  going  ?  "  Home  for  my 
nightcap,"  answered  the  first,  "  for  I  find  we  are  to  stay 
here  all  night." 

• 
A  POOR  man  who  had  a  termagant  wife,  after  a  long 

dispute,  in  which  she  was  resolved  to  have  the  last 
word,  told  her,  "  If  she  spoke  one  more  crooked  word, 
he'd  beat  her  brains  out." 

"  Why,  then,  ram's  horns,  you  rogue,"  said  she,  "  if  I 
die  for  it." 


4  ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER. 

LORD  CRAVEN,  in  King  James  the  First's  reign,  was 
very  desirous  to  see  Ben  Jonson,  which  being  told  to 
Ben,  he  went  to  my  lord's  house ;  but  being  in  a  very 
tattered  condition,  as  poets  sometimes  are,  the  porter 
refused  him  admittance,  with  some  saucy  language, 
which  the  other  did  not  fail  to  return.  My  lord  hap- 
pening to  come  out  while  they  were  wrangling,  asked 
the  occasion-  of  it  ?  Ben,  who  stood  in  need  of  nobody 
to  speak  for  him,  said  he  understood  his  lordship  desired 
to  see  him. 

"  You,  friend  ?"  said  my  lord  ;  "  who  are  you  ?" 

"  Ben  Jonson,"  replied  the  other. 

"  No,  no,"  quoth  my  lord,  "  you  cannot  be  Ben  Jon- 
son,  who  wrote  the  '  Silent  "Woman  ;'  you  look  as  if  you 
could  not  say  Bo  to  a  goose. 

"  Bo,"  cried  Ben. 

"  Very  well,"  said  my  lord,  who  was  better  pleased 
at  the  joke  than  offended  at  the  affront,  "  I  am  now 
convinced,  by  your  wit,  you  are  Ben  Jonson." 

AN  Irish  lawyer  of  the  Temple,  having  occasion  to  go 
to  dinner,  left  these  directions  in  the  key-hole  of  his 
door : 

"  I  am  gone  to  the  Elephant  and  Castle,  where  you 
may  find  me ;  and  if  you  can't  read  this  note,  carry  it 
down  to  the  stationer's,  and  he  will  read  it  for  you." 


MY  Lord  B had  married  three  wives,  who  were 

all  his  servants  ;  a  beggar-woman  meeting  him  one  day 
in  the  street,  made  him  a  very  low  curtesy. 

"  Ah,  bless  your  lordship,"  said  she,  "  and  send  you 
a  long  life  ;  if  you  do  but  live  long  enough,  we  shall  all 
be  ladies  in  time." 


ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER.  5 

A  GENTLEMAN  being  at  dinner  at  a  friend's  house,  the 
first  thing  that  came  upon  the  table  was  a  dish  of 
whitings,  and  one  being  put  upon  his  plate,  he  found  it 
smell  so  strong,  that  he  could  not  eat  a  bit  of  it ;  but  he 
laid  his  mouth  down  to  the  fish,  as  if  he  was  whispering 
with  it,  and  then  took  up  the  plate,  and  put  it  to  Jris  own 
car.  The  gentleman,  at  whose  table  he  was,  inquiring 
into  the  meaning,  he  told  him  that  he  had  a  brother  lost 
at  sea  about  a  fortnight  ago,  and  he  was  asking  that  fish 
if  he  knew  anything  of  him. 

"  And  what  answer  made  he  ?"  said  the  gentleman. 

"  He  told  me,"  replied  the  other,  "  that  he  could  give 
no  account  of  him,  for  he  had  not  been  at  sea  these 
three  weeks." 


A  WITTY  knave  coming  into  a  lace-shop  upon  Ludgate 
Hill,  said  he  had  occasion,  for  a  small  quantity  of  very 
fine  lace,  and  having  pitched  upon  that  he  liked,  asked 
the  woman  of  the  shop  how  much  she  would  take  for  as 
much  as  could  reach  from  one  of  his  ears  to  the  other, 
and  measure  which  way  she  pleased,  either  over  his 
head  or  under  his  chin.  After  some  words  they  agreed, 
and  he  paid  the  money  down  and  began  to  measure, 
saying :  "  One  of  my  ears  is  here,  and  the  other  is  nailed 
to  the  pillory  in  Bristol,  therefore  I  fear  you  have  not 
enough  to  make  good  your  bargain ;  however,  I  will 
take  this  piece  in  part,  and  desire  you  will  provide  the 
rest  with  all  expedition." 

CATO,  the  censor,  being  asked  how  it  came  to  pass 
that  he  had  no  statue  erected  for  him,  who  had  so  well 
deserved  of  the  commonwealth  ?  "  I  had  rather,"  said 
he,  "  have  this  question  asked,  than  why  I  had  one." 


6  ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER. 

A  POOB  dirty  shoe-boy  going  into  a  church  one  Sun- 
day evening,  and  seeing  the  parish  boys  standing  in  a 
row  upon  a  bench  to  be  catechized,  he  gets  up  himself, 
and  stands  in  the  very  first  place ;  so  the  parson,  of 
course  beginning  with  him,  asked  him  : 

"  What  is  your  name  ?" 

"  Rugged  and  Tough,"  answered  he. 

"  Who  gave  you  that  name  ?"  said  Domine. 

"  Why,  the  boys  in  our  alley,"  replied  poor  Rugged 
and  Tough. 

ME.  G N,  the  surgeon,  being  sent  for  to  a  gentle- 
man who  had  just  received  a  slight  wound  in  a  rencoun- 
tre,  gave  orders  to  his  servant  to  go  home  with  all  haste 
imaginable,  and  fetch  a  certain  plaster;  the  patient, 
turning  a  little  pale : 

"  Lord,  sir,"  said  he,  "  I  hope  there  is  no  danger  ?" 
"  Yes,  indeed,  is  there,"  answered  the  surgeon,  "  for 
if  the  fellow  don't  set  up  a  good  pair  of  heels,  the  wound 
will  heal  before  he  returns." 

MICHAEL  ANGELO,  in  his  picture  of  the  Last  Judgment, 
in  the  Pope's  chapel,  painted  among  the  figures  in  hell 
that  of  a  certain  cardinal,  who,  complaining  to  Pope 
Clement  VII.  of  the  affront,  and  desiring  that  it  might 
be  defaced  : 

"  You  know  well,"  said  the  Pope,  "  I  have  power  to 
deliver  a  soul  out  of  purgatory,  but  not  out  of  hell." 


IT  being  proved  in  a  trial  at  Guildhall,  that  a  man's 
name  was  really  Inch,  who  pretended  it  was  Linch  : 
"  I  see,"  said  the  judge,  "  the  old  proverb  is  verified  in 
this  man,  who  being  allowed  an  Inch,  has  taken  an  L." 


ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER.  7 

AN  honest  French  dragoon  in  the  service  of  Louis  the 
Fourteenth,  having  caught  a  man  of  whom  he  was  jea- 
lous in  the  room  with  his  wife,  after  some  words,  told 
him  lie  would  let  him  escape  that  time,  but  if  he  found 
him  there  again,  he'd  throw  his  hat  out  of  the  window. 
Notwithstanding  this  terrible  threat,  in  a  very  few  days 
he  caught  the  spark  in  the  same  place  again,  and 
was  as  good  as  his  word.  Knowing  what  he  had  done, 
he  posted  away  to  a  place  where  the  king  was,  and 
throwing  himself  at  his  majesty's  feet,  implored  his  par- 
don. The  king  asked  him  what  his  offence  was  ?  he 
told  the  story,  and  how  he  had  thrown  the  man's  hat 
out  of  the  window.  "  "Well,  well,"  said  the  king,  laugh- 
ing, "  I  very  readily  forgive  you ;  considering  your  pro- 
vocation, I  think  you  were  much  in  right  to  throw  his 
hat  out  of  the  window."  "  Yes,  and  may  it  please  you, 
my  liege,"  said  the  dragoon,  "  but  his  head  was  in  it." 
"  Was  it  so,"  replied  the  king,  "  well,  my  word  is  passed." 


SIR  THOMAS  MORE,  for  a  long  time  having  only 
daughters,  his  wife  earnestly  prayed  that  they  might 
have  a  boy  ;  at  last  they  had  a  boy,  who,  when  he  came 
to  man's  estate,  proved  but  simple. 

"  Thou  prayedst  so  long  for  a  boy,"  said  Sir  Thomas 
to  his  wife,  "  that  at  last  thoa  hast  got  one  who  will  be 
a  boy  as  long  as  he  lives." 

AN  extravagant  young  gentleman,  to  whom  the  title 
of  lord,  and  a  good  estate,  was  just  fallen,  being  a  little 
harassed  by  duns,  bid  his  steward  tell  them,  that  whilst 
he  was  a  private  gentleman  he  had  leisure  to  run  in 
debt,  but  being  now  advanced  to  a  higher  rank,  he  was 
too  busy  to  pay  them. 


8  ITEMS   FROM   JOE    MILLER. 

A  COUNTRY  curate  being  one  Friday  in  Lent  to  ex- 
amine his  young  catechumens,  and  the  bell  tolling  for 
prayers,  he  was  obliged  to  leave  a  game  of  all-fours  un- 
finished, in  which  he  had  the  advantage;  but  told  his 
antagonist  he  would  soon  dispatch  his  audience,  and  see 
him  out.  Now,  for  fear  any  tricks  should  be  played 
with  the  cards  in  his  absence,  he  put  them  in  his  cas- 
sock ;  and  asking  one  of  the  children  how  many  com- 
mandments there  were,  which  the  boy,  not  readily*  an- 
swering, by  accident  one  of  the  cards  dropped  out  of  his 
sleeve ;  he  had  the  presence  of  mind  to  bid  the  boy  take 
it  up,  and  tell  him  what  card  it  was,  which  he  readily 
did :  when  turning  to  the  parents  of  the  child,  "  Are 
you  not  ashamed,"  said  he,  "  to  pay  so  little  regard  to 
the  eternal  welfare  of  your  children  as  not  to  teach  them 
their  commandments  ?  I  suspected  your  neglect,  and 
brought  this  card  with  me,  to  detect  your  immorality, 
in  teaching  your  children  to  know  their  cards  before 
their  commandments." 


A  LADY  whose  beauty  was  very  much  upon  the  de- 
cline, having  sent  her  picture  to  a  gentleman  that  was  to 
come  a  wooing  to  her,  bid  her  chambermaid,  when  she 
was  coming  to  dress  her,  take  care  in  repairing  her  de- 
cays a  little,  or  she  should  not  look  like  her  picture. 
"  I  warrant  you,  madam,"  says  she,  laying  on  the  Bava- 
rian red,  "  a  little  art  once  made  your  picture  like  you, 
now  a  little  of  the  same  art  shall  make  you  like  your 
picture  ;  your  picture  must  sit  to  you." 


A  certain  Irishman  making  love  to  a  lady  of  great 
fortune,  told  her,  "  He  could  not  sleep  for  dreaming  of 
her." 


ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER.  9 

IT  was  a  usual  saying  of  King  Charles  II.,  that 
sailors  got  their  money  like  horses,  and  spent  it  like 
asses.  The  following  story  is  somewhat  an  instance  of 
it ;  one  sailor  coming  to  see  another  on  pay-day,  desired 
to  borrow  twenty  shillings  of  him.  The  moneyed  man 
fell  to  telling  out  the  sum  in  shillings,  but  a  half-crown 
thrusting  its  head  in,  put  him  out,  and  he  began  to  tell 
again  ;  but  then  an  impertinent  crown-piece  was  as  offi- 
cious as  his  half  brother  had  been,  and  again  interrupted 
the  tell ;  so  that,  taking  up  a  handful  of  silver,  he  cried, 
"  Here,  Jack,  give  me  a  handful  when  your  ship's  paid, 
what  a  pox  signifies  counting  it  ?" 


QUEEN  ELIZABETH  seeing  a  gentleman  in  her  garden, 
who  had  not  felt  the  effect  of  her  favors  so  soon  as  he 
expected,  looking  out  of  her  window,  said  to  him  in 
Italian,  "  What  does  a  man  think  of,  Sir  Edward,  when 
he  thinks  of  nothing?"  After  a  little  pause,  he  an- 
swered, "  He  thinks,  madam,  of  a  woman's  promise." 
The  queen  shrunk  in  her  head,  but  was  heard  to  say, 
"  "Well,  Sir  Edward,  I  must  not  confute  you — anger 
makes  dull  men  witty,  but  it  keeps  them  poor." 


ONE  telling  Charles  XII.  of  Sweden,  just  before  the 
battle  of  Narva,  that  the  enemy  was  three  to  one  ;  "  I 
am  glad  to  hear  it,"  answered  the  king,  "  for  then  there 
will  be  enough  to  kill,  enough  to  take  prisoners,  and 
enough  to  run  away." 


AN  Irishman  getting  on  a  high-mettled  horse,  it  ran 
away  with  him ;  upon  which,  one  of  his  companions 
called  to  him  to  stop  him  :  "  Arrah,  honey,"  cried  he, 
"  how  can  I  do  that,  when  I  have  got  no  spurs  1" 


10  ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER. 

SOON  after  the  death  of  a  great  officer,  who  was 
judged  to  have  been  no  great  advancer  of  the  king's 
affairs,  the  king  said  to  his  solicitor  Bacon,  who 
was  kinsman  to  that  lord :  "  Now,  Bacon,  tell  me 
truly,  what  say  you  of  your  cousin  ?"  Mr.  Bacon  an- 
swered, "  Since  your  majesty  charges  me  to  speak,  I 
will  deal  plainly  with  you,  and  give  you  such  a  charac- 
ter of  him,  as  though  I  was  to  write  his  history.  I  do 
think  he  was  no  fit  counsellor  to  have  made  your  affairs 
better,  yet  he  was  fit  to  have  kept  them  from  grow- 
ing worse."  "  On  my  soul,"  quoth  the  king,  "  in  the 
first  thou  speakest  like  a  true  man ;  and  in  the  latter 
like  a  kinsman." 


A  sea  officer,  who  for  his  courage  in  a  former  engage- 
ment, where  he  had  lost  his  leg,  had  been  preferred  to 
the  command  of  a  good  ship ;  in  the  heat  of  the  next 
engagement,  a  cannon  ball  took  off  his  wooden  deputy, 
so  that  he  fell  upon  the  deck :  a  seaman  thinking  he 
had  been  fresh  wounded,  called  out  for  a  surgeon.  "  No, 
no,"  said  the  captain,  "  the  carpenter  will  do  this  time." 


A  GENTLEMAN  calling  for  small  beer  at  another  gentle- 
man's table,  finding  it  very  hard,  gave  it  the  servant 
again  without  drinking.  "  "What,"  said  the  master  of 
the  house,  u  don't  you  like  the  beer  ?"  "  It  is  not  to  be 
found  fault  with,"  answered  the  other,  "  for  one  should 
never  speak  ill  of  the  dead." 


MKTULLUS  NEPOS,  asking  Cicero,  the  Roman  orator, 

in  a  scoffing  manner,  "  "Who  was  his  father  ?"  Cicero 

replied,  "  Thy  mother  has  made  that  question  harder 
for  thee  to  answer." 


ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER.  11 

*  A  CITIZEN  dying  greatly  in  debt,  it  coming  to  his  cre- 
ditors' ears,  "  Farewell,"  said  one,  "  there  is  so  much  of 
mine  gone  with  him."  "  And  he  carried  so  much  of 
mine,"  said  another.  One  hearing  them  make  their 
several  complaints,  said,  "  Well,  I  see  now,  that  though 
a  man  can  carry  nothing  of  his  own  out  of  the  world, 
yet  he  may  carry  a  great  deal  of  other  men's." 


Two  country  attorneys  overtaking  a  wagoner  on  the 
road,  and  thinking  to  break  a  joke  upon  him,  asked  him, 
"  Why  his  fore-horse  was  so  fat,  and  the  rest  so  lean  ?" 
The  wagoner  knowing  them  to  be  limbs  of  the  law,  an- 
swered them,  "That  his  fore-horse  was  his  lawyer,  and 
the  rest  were  his  clients." 


AN  Irish  fellow,  vaunting  of  his  birth  and  family,  af- 
firmed that  when  he  came  first  to  England,  he  made 
such  a  figure,  that  the  bells  rang  through  all  the  towns 
he  passed  to  London  :  "  Ay,"  said  a  gentleman  in  com- 
pany, "  I  suppose  that  was  because  you  came  up  in  a 
wagon  with  a  bell-team." 


A  CERTAIN  lord  who  had  a  termagant  wife,  and  at  the 
same  time  a  chaplain  who  was  a  tolerable  poet,  desired 
him  to  write  a  copy  of  verses  on  a  shrew.  "  I  cannot 
imagine,"  said  the  parson,  "  why  your  lordship  should 
want  a  copy,  who  have  so  good  an  original." 


THREE  gentlemen  being  at  a  tavern,  whose  names 
were  Moore,  Strange,  and  Wright ;  said  the  last : 
"  There  is  but  one  knave  in  company,  and  that  is 
Strange."  "  Yes,"  answered  Strange,  "  there  is  one 
Moore."  "  Ay,"  said  Moore,  "  that's  Wright." 


12  ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER. 

A  DEVOUT  gentleman  being  very  earnest  in  his 
prayers  in  the  church,  it  happened  that  a  pickpocket, 
being  near  him,  stole  away  his  watch,  who,  having 
ended  his  prayers,  missed  it,  and  complained  to  his 
friend  that  his  watch  was  lost  while  he  was  at  prayers  ; 
to  which  his  friend  replied  : 

"  Had  you  watched  as  well  as  prayed,  your  watch  had 
been  secure  ;"  adding  these  following  lines : 

"  He  that  a  watch  will  wear,  this  must  he  do, 
Pocket  his  watch,  and  watch  his  pocket  too." 


A  PERSON  having  been  put  to  great  shifts  to  get  money 
to  support  his  credit ;  some  of  his  creditors  at  length 
sent  him  word,  that  they  would  give  him  trouble. 
"  Pshaw  !"  said  he,  "I  have  had  trouble  enough  to  bor- 
row the  money,  and  had  not  need  be  troubled  to  pay  it 
again." 

SIR  FRANCIS  BACON  was  wont  to  say  of  a  passionate 
man,  who  suppressed  his  anger,  that  he  thought  worse 
than  he  spoke  ;  and  of  an  angry  man,  that  would  vent 
his  passion  in  words,  that  he  spoke  worse  than  he 
thought. 

THE  same  gentleman  used  to  say,  that  power  in  an 
ill  man  was  like  the  power  of  a  witch, — he  could  do  no 
harm,  but  no  good,  as  the  magicians,  said  he,  could  turn 
blood  into  water  again. 

IT  was  well  answered  by  Archbishop  Tillotson  to  King 
William,  when  he  complained  of  the  shortness  of  his 
sermon  :  "  Sir,"  said  the  bishop,  "  could  I  have  bestowed 
more  time  on  it,  it  would  have  been  shorter." 


ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER.  13 

A  YOUNG  fellow  riding  down  a  steep  hill,  and  doubt- 
ing the  foot  of  it  was  hoggish,  called  out  to  a  clown  that 
was  ditching,  and  asked  him  if  it  was  hard  at  the  bot- 
tom. 

"  Ay,"  answered  the  countryman,  "  it  is  hard  enough 
at  the  bottom,  I'll  warrant  you." 

But  in  half  a  dozen  steps  the  horse  sunk  up  to  the  sad- 
dle skirts,  which  made  the  young  gallant  whip,  spur, 
curse,  and  swear. 

"  Why,  you  rascal,"  said  he  to  the  ditcher,  "  didst 
thou  not  tell  me  it  was  hard  at  the  bottom  ?" 

"  Ay,"  replied  the  other,  "  but  you  are  not  half  way 
to  the  bottom  yet." 

A  FRENCHMAN  traveling  between  Dover  and  London, 
came  into  an  inn  to  lodge,  when  the  host,  perceiving 
him  a  close-fisted  cur,  having  called  for  nothing  but  a 
pint  of  beer  and  a  pennyworth  of  bread  to  eat  with  a 
salad  he  had  gathered  by  the  way,  resolved  to  fit  him 
for  it,  therefore,  seemingly  to  pay  him  an  extraordinary 
respect,  laid  him  a  clean  cloth  for  supper,  and  compli- 
mented him  with  the  best  bed  in  the  house.  In  the 
morning  he  set  a  good  salad  before  him,  with  cold  meat, 
butter,  etc.,  which  provoked  the  monsieur  to  the  gene- 
rosity of  calling  for  half-a-pint  of  wine  ;  then  coming  to 
pay,  the  host  gave  him  a  bill,  which  for  the  best  bed, 
wine,  salad,  and  other  appurtenances,  he  had  enhanced 
to  the  value  of  twenty  shillings. 

"  Yat  you  mean,  Jernie,"  says  the  Frenchman, 
twenty  shillings  ?" 

But  all  his  spluttering  was  in  vain  ;  for  the  host,  with 
a  great  deal  of  tavern  elocution,  made  him  sensible  that 
nothing  could  be  abated.  The  monsieur,  seeing  no 


14  ITEMS   FKOM   JOE    MILLER. 

remedy  but  patience,  seemed  to  pay  it  cheerfully.  After 
which,  lie  told  the  host  that  his  house  being  extremely 
troubled  with  rats,  he  could  give  him  a  receipt  to  drive 
them  away,  so  as  they  should  never  return  again. 

The  host  being  very  desirous  to  be  rid  of  those 
troublesome  guests,  who  were  every  day  doing  him  one 
mischief  or  another,  at  length  concluded  to  give  mon- 
sieur twenty  shillings  for  a  receipt ;  which  done,  "  By 
gar,"  says  the  monsieur,  "  you  make  all  de  rats  one  such 
bill  as  you  make  me,  and  if  ever  dey  trouble  your  house 
again,  me  will  be  hang." 


A  CERTAIN  lady  of  quality  sending  her  Irish  footman 
to  fetch  home  a  pair  of  new  stays,  strictly  charged  him 
to  take  coach  if  it  rained,  for  fear  of  wetting  them  ;  but 
a  great  shower  of  rain  falling,  the  fellow  returned  with 
the  stays  dripping  wet ;  and  being  severely  reprimanded 
for  not  doing  as  he  was  ordered  to  do,  he  said  he  had 
obeyed  her  orders. 

"  How,  then,"  answered  the  lady,  "  could  the  stays 
be  wet,  if  you  took  them  into  the  coach  with  you  ?" 

"  No,"  replied  Tague,  "  I  know  my  place  better ;  I 
did  not  go  into  the  coach,  but  rode  behind  as  I  am 
always  used  to  do." 

THE  same  Irishman  being  at  a  tavern,  where  the  cook 
was  dressing  some  carp,  observed  some  of  them  move 
after  they  were  gutted  and  put  into  the  pan,  which 
very  much  surprised  Tague. 

"  "Well,  now,  faith,"  said  he,  "  of  all  the  Christian  crea- 
tures that  ever  I  saw,  this  same  carp  will  live  the  longest 
after  it  is  dead." 


ITEMS    FROM   JOE   MILLER.  15 

i  Two  Oxford  scholars  meeting  On  the  road  with  a 
Yorkshire  ostler,  they  fell  to  battering  him,  and  told 
the  fellow  that  they  would  prove  him  to  be  a  horse  or 
an  ass. 

"  "Well,"  said  the  ostler,  "  and  I  can  prove  your  saddle 
to  be  a  mule." 

"  A  mule !"  cried  one  of  them,  "  how  can  that  be  ?" 
"  Because,"  said  the  ostler,  "  it  is  something  between 
a  horse  and  an  ass." 


THE  Trojans  sending  ambassadors  to  condole  with 
Tiberius,  upon  the  death  of  his  father-in-law,  Augustus, 
it  was  so  long  after,  that  the  emperor  hardly  thought  it 
a  compliment ;  but  told  them  he  was  likewise  sorry  that 
they  had  lost  so  valiant  a  knight  as  Hector,  who  was 
slain  above  a  thousand  years  before. 


A  PROFLIGATE  young  nobleman,  being  in  company 
with  some  sober  people,  desired  leave  to  toast  the  devil. 
The  gentleman  who  sat  next  to  him,  said  : 

"I  have  no  objection  to  any  of  your  lordship's 
friends." 


A  SOLDIER  was  bragging  before  Julius  Csesar  of  the 
wounds  he  had  received  in  his  face.  Csesar  knowing 
him  to  be  a  coward,  told  him  he  had  best  take  heed  the 
next  time  he  ran  away,  how  he  looked  back. 


A  MELTING  sermon  being  preached  in  a  country 
church,  all  fell  a  weeping  but  one  man,  who,  being 
asked  why  he  did  not  weep  with  the  rest  ?  "  Oh  1"  said 
he,  "  I  belong  to  another  parish." 


16  ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER. 

THE  famous  Jack  Ogle,  of  facetious  memory,  having 
borrowed  on  note  the  sum  of  five  pounds,  and  failing 
the  payment,  the  gentlemen  who  had  lent  it  indiscreetly 
took  occasion  to  talk  of  it  in  the  public  coffee-house, 
which  obliged  Jack  to  take  notice  of  it,  so  that  it  came 
to  a  challenge.  Being  got  into  the  field,  the  gentle- 
man, a  little  tender  in  point  of  courage,  offered  him  the 
note  to  make  the  matter  up,  to  which  our  hero  consented 
readily,  and  had  the  note  delivered  : 

"  But  now,"  said  the  gentleman,  "  if  we  should  re- 
turn without  fighting,  our  companions  will  laugh  at  us ; 
therefore,  let's  give  one  another  a  slight  scratch,  and 
say  we  wounded  one  another." 

"  "With  all  my  heart,"  says  Jack ;  "  come,  I'll  wound 
you  first ;"  so  drawing  his  sword,  he  whipped  it  through 
the  fleshy  part  of  his  antagonist's  arm,  till  he  brought 
the  very  tears  in  his  eyes. 

This  being  done,  and  the  wound  tied  up  with  a  hand- 
kerchief; "  Come,"  said  the  gentleman,  "  where  shall  I 
wound  you  ?" 

Jack,  putting  himself  in  a  fighting  posture,  cried, 
"  Where  you  can,  by  G — d,  sir." 

"  "Well,  well,"  said  the  other,  "  I  can  swear  I  received 
this  wound  of  you  ;"  and  so  marched  off  contentedly. 


A  DOG  coming  open-mouthed  at  a  sergeant  on  a 
march,  he  ran  the  spear  of  his  halbert  into  his  throat 
and  killed  him.  The  owner  coming  out,  raved  extreme- 
ly that  his  dog  was  killed,  and  asked  the  sergeant, 
"  Why  he  could  not  as  well  have  struck  at  him  with  the 
blunt  end  of  the  halbert  ?"  "  So  I  would,"  said  he,  "  if 
he  had  run  at  me  with  his  tail." 


ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER.  17 

,  A  RICH  farmer's  son.  who  had  been  bred  at  the  Uni- 
versity, coming  home  to  visit  his  father  and  mother, 
they  being  one  night  at  supper  on  a  couple  of  fowls,  he 
told  them,  that  by  logic  and  arithmetic  he  could  prove 
those  two  fowls  to  be  three.  "  Well,  let  us  hear,"  said 
the  old  man.  "  Why,  this,"  cried  the  scholar,  "  is  one, 
and  this,"  continued  he,  "  is  two ;  two  and  one,  you 
know,  make  three."  "  Since  you  have  made  it  out  so 
well,"  answered  the  old  man,  "  your  mother  shall  have 
the  first  fowl,  I  will  have  the  second,  and  the  third  you. 
may  keep  yourself  for  your  great  learning." 


Two  countrymen,  who  had  never  seen  a  play  in  their 
lives,  nor  had  any  notion  of  it,  went  to  the  theatre  in 
Drury  Lane,  when  they  placed  themselves  snug  in  the 
corner  of  the  middle  gallery  ;  the  first  music  played, 
which  they  liked  well  enough ;  then  the  second  and 
third,  to  their  great  satisfaction  ;  at  length  the  curtain 
drew  up,  and  three  or  four  actors  entered  to  begin  the 
play  ;  upon  which  one  of  the  countrymen  cried  to  the 
other,  "  Come,  Hodge,  let's  be  going,  mayhap  the  gen- 
tlemen are  talking  about  business." 

A  COUNTRYMAN  sowing  his  ground,  two  smart  fellows 
riding  that  way,  called  to  him  with  an  insolent  air : 
"  Well,  honest  fellow,"  said  one  of  them,  "  'tis  your  bu- 
siness to  sow,  but  we  reap  the  fruits  of  your  labor." 
To  which  the  countryman  replied,  "  'Tis  very  likely  you 
may,  truly  ;  for  I  am  sowing  hemp." 


IT  was  said  of  a  person,  who  always  ate  at  other  peo 
pie's  tables,  and  was  a  great  railer,  that  he  never  opened 
his  mouth  but  to  somebody's  cost. 


18  ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER. 

A  YOUNG  fellow  having  made  an  end  of  all  he  had, 
even  his  last  suit  of  clothes,  one  said  to  him,  "  ISTow,  I 
hope,  you'll  own  yourself  a  happy  man,  for  you  have 
made  an  end  of  all  your  cares."  "  How  so  ?"  said  the 
gentleman.  "  Because,"  said  the  other,  "  you  have 
nothing  left  to  take  care  of." 

A  CERTAIN  justice  of  the  peace,  not  far  from  Clerk- 
enwell,  in  the  first  year  of  King  George  the  First,  when 
his  clerk  was  reading  a  mittimus,  coming  to  Anno  Do- 
mini, 1714,  "  how  now,"  cried  out,  with  some  warmth, 
"  and  why  not  George  Domini  ?  sure,  you  forget  your- 
self strangely." 

A  BUTCHER  that  lay  on  his  death-bed,  said  to  his  wife, 
"  My  dear,  I  am  not  a  man  for  this  world,  therefore, 
I  advise  you  to  marry  our  man  John."  "  Oh,  dear  hus- 
band," said  she,  "  if  that's  all,  never  let  it  trouble  you, 
for  John  and  I  have  agreed  that  matter  already." 


WHEN  King  William,  in  coming  from  Holland,  hap- 
pened to  meet  with  a  violent  storm  at  sea,  the  captain 
of  the  yacht  cried  to  the  chaplain,  "  In  five  minutes 
more,  doctor,  we  shall  be  with  the  Lord."  "The  Lord 
forbid,"  answered  the  doctor. 

A  DRUNKEN  fellow  carrying  his  wife's  Bible  to  pawn 
for  a  quartern  of  gin  to  an  alehouse,  the  man  of  the 
house  refused  to  take  it.  "  What  a  pox,"  said  the  fel- 
low, "  will  neither  my  word  nor  the  word  of  God  pass 
with  you  ?" 


ITEMS   FROM  JOE   MILLER.  19 

A  PROUD  parson,  and  his  man,  riding  over  a  common, 
saw  a  shepherd  tending  his  flock,  and  having  a  new 
coat  on,  the  parson  asked  him,  in  a  haughty  tone,  who 
gave  him  that  coat  ? 

"  The  same,"  said  the  shepherd,"  that  clothed  you, 
the  parish." 

The  parson,  nettled  at  this,  rode  on  a  little  way,  and 
then  bade  his  man  go  back,  and  ask  the  shepherd  if  he'd 
come  and  live  with  him,  for  he  wanted  a  fool. 

The  man  going  accordingly  to  the  shepherd  delivered 
his  master's  message,  and  concluded,  as  he  was  ordered 
that  his  master  wanted  a  fool. 

"  Why,  are  you  going  away,  then  ?"  said  the  shepherd. 

"  No,"  answered  the  other. 

"  Then,  you  may  tell  your  master,"  replied  the  shep- 
herd, "  his  living  can't  maintain  three  of  us." 


THE  Lord  Chief  Justice  Wh — d,  of  the  King's  Bench 
in  Ireland,  being  esteemed  a  very  able  lawyer,  and 
Judges  C — d  and  B — t  but  very  indifferent  ones : 

"  Well,"  said  an  attorney  of  that  court,  "  no  bench 
was  ever  supplied  like  ours,  for  we  have  got  a  hundred 
judges  upon  it." 

u  A  hundred  !"  said  another,  "  how  can  that  be  ?" 

"  Why,"  replied  the  first,  "  there  is  a  figure  of  one 
and  two  ciphers." 


A  DYER,  in  a  court  of  justice,  being  ordered  to  hold 
up  his  hand,  that  was  all  black  : 

"  Take  off  your  glove,  friend,"  said  the  judge  to  him. 

"Put  on  your  spectacles,  my  lord,"  answered  the 
dyer. 


20  ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER. 

AN  ordinary  country  fellow  being  called  as  an  evi- 
dence in  a  court  of  judicature,  in  a  cause  where  the 
terms  of  mortgager  and  mortgagee  were  frequently  used, 
the  judge  asked  the  countryman  if  he  knew  the  differ- 
ence between  the  mortgager  and  the  mortgagee. 

"  Yes,"  said  he,  "  it  is  the  same  as  between  the  nodder 
and  noddee." 

"  How  is  that?  replied  the  judge. 

"  Why,  you  sit  there,  my  lord,"  said  the  clown,  "  and 
I  nod  at  you  ;  then  I  am  the  nodder  and  your  lordship 
is  the  noddee." 


A  CELEBRATED  M.  D.  coming  out  of  a  coffee-house,  an 
impudent  broken  apothecary  met  him  at  the  door,  and 
accosted  him  with  a  request  to  lend  him  five  guineas. 

"  Sir,"  said  the  doctor,  "  I  am  surprised  that  you 
should  apply  to  me  for  such  a  favor,  who  do  not  know 
you !" 

"  Oh,  dear  sir,"  replied  the  apothecary,  "  it  is  for  that 
very  reason ;  for  those  who  do  won't  lend  me  a  farthing." 


ALEXANDER  the  Great  asked  Dionedes,  a  famous 
pirate,  who  was  brought  prisoner  to  him,  "  "Why  he  was 
so  bold  as  to  rob  and  plunder  in  his  seas  ?" 

He  answered,  "That  he  did  it  for  his  profit,  and  as 
Alexander  himself  was  used  to  do  it.  But  because  I  do 
it  with  one  single  galley,  I  am  called  a  pirate ;  but  you, 
sire,  who  do  it  with  a  great  army,  are  called  a  king." 

This  bold  answer  so  pleased  Alexander  that  he  set 
him  at  liberty. 


ITEMS   FROM   JOE   MILLER.  21 


THE  FORLORN  DAMSEL. 

WHILST  each  dear  nymph  is  happy  with  her  swain, 
The  poor  Darinda  sighs  and  sighs  in  vain  ; 
Forlorn  she  has  liv'd  thrice  ten  revolving  years, 
But  now,  at  length,  a  dying  slave  appears ; 
The  youth  raps  humbly  at  her  chamber  door, 
And  speaks  such  words  she  never  heard  before. 
In  bed,  surprised,  she  starts,  her  curtain  drew, 
And  ask'd  his  will — Madam,  I  dye  for  you. 
For  me  !  a  man!  what  does  he  say  ?  he  dies  ! 
She  whisks  from  bed,  and  to  the  toilet  flies  : 
In  haste  she  dress'd,  but  did  it  with  an  air ; 
And  to  advantage  patched  and  comb'd  her  hair. 
Her  dying  slave  to  rap  once  more  presumes, 
"Whilst  sweet  Darinda  washes  and  perfumes ; 
But  that  he  might  not  at  the  door  expire, 
She  let  him  in,  and  farther  did  inquire. 
"With  cap  in  hand,  and  with  submissive  look, 
He  bow'd,  and  then  these  killing  words  he  spoke  : 
Madam,  I've  dy'd  your  satin,  and  see  here, 
The  black's  entire,  no  colored  stripes  appear. 


ON  AN  UGLY  WOMAN  IN  THE  DARK. 

WHILST  in  the  dark  on  thy  soft  hand  I  hung, 
And  heard  the  tempting  syren  in  thy  tongue  ; 
What  flames,  what  darts,  what  anguish  I  endured  . 
But,  when  the  candle  entered,  I  was  cured. 


KAISING  THE  WIND 


IN      TWO      ACTS. 


BY    JAMES    KENNEY. 


ALSO    THE    STAGE    BUSINESS,    CHARACTERS,    COSTUMES, 
RELATIVE  POSITIONS,  ETC. 


CHARACTERS. 


PIAINWAY. 
FAINWOULD, 
JEREMY  DIDDLER, 

SAM, 
EICHARD, 


WAITER, 

JOHN, 

MESSENGER, 

PEGGY, 

MISS  LAURA  DURABLE. 


COSTUMES. 

PLAINWAY. — Dark  brown  old  man's  suit,  white  stockings,  gouty 

shoes. 
FA1NWOULD. — Dark  green  coat,  white  waistcoat,  nankeen  trow- 

sers,  boots. 
JEREMY  DIDDLER.— An  old  dark  blue  coat,  torn  at  the  elbows, 

and  buttoned  close  to  the  throat,  buff  waistcoat,  orange  worsted 

pantaloons,  small  nankeen  gaiters,  shoes,  old  low-crowned  hat. 

SAM. — Drab  countryman's  coat,  buff  breeches,  gray  worsted  stock- 
ings, countryman's  hat. 

RICHARD. — Gray  livery  coat,   buff  waistcoat,  breeches,  brown 
gaiters. 

WAITER. — Blue  coat,  trowsers,  white  waistcoat. 
JOHN. — Dark  brown  livery,  blue  stockings. 
PEGGY. — "White  muslin  dress,  pink  sash,  black  shoes. 

MISS  DURABLE. — Dark  red  muslin  dress,  light  blue  sash,  cap 
with  pink  ribbons  and  rose. 


EXITS  AND  ENTRANCES. 

K.  means  Right;  L.  Left;  R.  D.,  Eight  Door  ;  L.  D.,  Left  Door , 
S.  E.,  Second  Entrance;  U.  E.,  Upper  Entrance  ;  M.  D.,  Middle  Door. 

RELATIVE  POSITIONS. 

R.  means  Eight;  L.,  Left ;  C.,  Centre  ;  R.  C.,  Right  of  Centre  ' 
L.  C.,  Left  of  Centre. 


RAISING   THE    WIND. 


ACT    I. 

SCENE  I. —  The  Public  Room  in  an  Inn. — Two  tables  and 
three  chairs. — Sell  rings. 

Sam.  [  Without.']  Coming,  I'm  coming ! 

Enter  WAITER,  K.,  and  SAM,  L.,  meeting. 

Wai.  (R.)  Well,  Sam,  there's  a  little  difference  be- 
tween this  and  hay-making,  eh  ? 

Sam.  Yes  ;  but  I  get  on  pretty  decent,  don't  I  ?  only, 
you  see,  when  two  or  three  people  call  at  once,  I'm  apt 
to  get  flurried,  and  then  I  can't  help  listening  to  the 
droll  things  the  young  chaps  say  to  one  another  at  din- 
ner— and  then  I  don't  exactly  hear  what  they  say  to  me, 
you  see.  Sometimes,  too,  I  fall  a  laughing  wi'  'em,  and 
that  they  don't  like,  you.  understand. 

Wai.  Well,  well,  you'll  soon  get  the  better  of  all  that. 

[A  laugh  without,  E. 

Sam.  (L.)  What's  all  that  about? 

Wai.  [Looking  out.']  Oh,  it's  Mr.  Diddler,  trying  to 
joke  himself  into  credit  at  the  bar.  But  it  won't  do, 
they  know  him  too  well. — By  the  by,  Sam,  mind  you 
never  trust  that  fellow. 

Sam.  What,  him  with  the  spy-glass  ? 

Wai.  Yes,  that  impudent  short-sighted  fellow. 

Sam.  Why,  what  for  not  ? 


4  RAISING   THE  WIND. 

Wai.  Why,  because  he'll  never  pay  you.  The  fellow 
lives  by  spunging — gets  into  people's  houses  by  his 
songs  and  his  bon-mots. 

Sam*  Bon-mots  !  what  be  they  ? 

Wai.  Why,  saying  smart  witty  things.  At  some  of 
the  squires'  tables,  he's  as  constant  a  guest  as  the  par- 
Bon  or  the  apothecary. 

Sam.  Come,  that's  an  odd  line  to  go  into,  however. 

Wai.  Then  he  borrows  money  of  everybody  he  meets. 

Sam.  Nay,  but  will  anybody  lend  it  him  ? 

Wai.  Why,  he  asks  for  so  little  at  a  time,  that  people 
are  ashamed  to  refuse  him  ;  and  then  he  generally  asks 
for  an  odd  sum,  to  give  it  the  appearance  of  immediate 
necessity. 

Sam.  Damme,  he  must  be  a  droll  chap,  however. 

Wai.  [Crosses  to  L.]  Here  he  comes ;  mind  you  take 
care  of  him.  [Exit,  L. 

Sam.  (E.)  Never  you  fear  that,  mun.  I  wasn't  born 
two  hundred  miles  north  of  Lummn,  to  be  done  by  Mr- 
Diddler,  I  know. 

Enter  DIDDLER,  E. 

Did.  Tol  lol  de  riddle  lol : — Eh  !  {Looking  through  a 
glass  at  /Sam.']  The  new  waiter  ! — a  very  clod,  by  my 
hopes  !  an  untutored  clod. — My  clamorous  bowels,  be  of 
good  cheer ! — Young  man,  how  d'ye  do  ?  Step  this 
way,  will  you. — A  novice,  I  perceive. — And  how  d'ye 
like  y our  new  line  of  life  ? 

Sam.  Why,  very  well,  thank  you.  How  do  you  like 
your  old  one? 

Did.  [Aside.']  Disastrous  accents  !  a  Yorkshireman ! 
— What  is  your  name,  my  fine  fellow  ? 


RAISING   THE  WIND.  5 

Sam.  (L.)  Sam. — You  needn't  tell  me  yours — I  know 
you,  my — fine  fellow ! 

Did.  [Aside,  E.]  Oh,  Fame  !  Fame  !  you  incorrigible 
gossip  ! — But  nil  desperandum, — at  him  again  !  [To 
Sam.]  A  prepossessing  physiognomy,  open  and  ruddy, 
imparting  health  and  liberality.  Excuse  my  glass,  I'm 
short-sighted.  You  have  the  advantage  of  me  in  that 
respect. 

Sam.  Yes,  I  can  see  as  far  as  most  folks. 

Did.  {Turning  away.]  Well,  I'll  thank  ye  to — oh, 
Sam,  you  haven't  got  such  a  thing  as  tenpence  about 
you,  have  you? 

Sam.  Yes — [They  look  at  each  other — Diddler  expect- 
ing to  receive  it] — and  I  mean  to  keep  it  about  me,  you 
see. 

Did.  Oh — ay — certainly.  I  only  asked  for  informa- 
tion. [Crosses  to  L. 

Sam.  (E.)  Hark!  there's  the  stage-coach  corned  in.  I 
must  go  and  wait  upon  the  passengers. — You'd  better 
ax  some  of  them — mayhap,  they  mun  gi'  you  a  little 
better  information. 

Did.  (L.)  Stop  !  Ilarkye,  Sam  !  you  can  get  me  some 
breakfast,  first.  I'm  devilish  sharp  set,  Sam  ;  you  see  I 
came  a  long  walk  from  over  the  hills,  and — 

Sam.  Ay,  and  you  see  I  come  fra — Yorkshire. 

Did.  You  do ;  your  unsophisticated  tongue  declares 
it.  Superior  to  vulgar  prejudices,  I  honor  you  for  it, 
for  I'm  sure  you'll  bring  me  my  breakfast  as  soon  as  any 
other  countryman. 

Sam.  Ay ;  well,  what  will  you  have  ? 

Did.  Anything ! — tea,  coifee,  an  egg,  and  so  forth. 

Sam.  "Well,  now,  one  of  us,  you  understand,  in  this 
transaction,  mun  have  credit  for  a  little  while.  That  is, 


6  RAISING    THE    WIND. 

either  I  mun  trust  you  for  t'nioney,  or  you  mun  trust 
me  for  t'breakfast.  Now,  as  you're  above  vulgar  pre- 
ju-prejudizes,  and  seem  to  be  vastly  taken  wi'  me,  and, 
as  I  am  not  so  conceited  as  to  be  above  'em,  and  a'n't  at 
all  taken  wi'  you,  you'd  better  give  me  the  money,  you 
see,  and  trust  me  for  t'breakfast — he !  he !  he ! 

Did.  What  d'ye  mean  by  that,  Sarn  ? 

Sam.  Or,  mayhap,  you'll  say  me  a  bon-mot. 

Did.  Sir,  your  getting  impertinent. 

Sam.  Oh,  what — you  don't  like  the  terms  ?  Why, 
then,  as  you  sometimes  sing  for  your  dinner,  now  you 
may  whistle  for  your  breakfast,  you  see ;  he  !  he  !  he  ! 

[Exit,  R. 

Did.  This  it  is  to  carry  on  trade  without  a  capital ! — 
Once  I  paid  my  way,  and  in  a  pretty  high  road  I  travel- 
ed ;  but  thou  art  now,  Jerry  Diddler,  little  better  than 
a  vagabond.  Pie  on  thee!  Awake  thee,  rouse  thy 
spirit !  honorably  earn  thy  breakfasts  and  thy  dinners, 
too.  But  how  ?  my  present  trade  is  the  only  one  that 
requires  no  apprenticeship.  How  unlucky,  that  the  rich 
and  pretty  Miss  Plainway,  whose  heart  I  won  at  Bath, 
should  take  so  sudden  a  departure,  that  I  should  lose  her 
address,  and  call  myself  a  foolish,  romantic  name,  that 
will  prevent  her  letters  from  reaching  me.  A  rich  wife 
would  pay  my  debts,  and  heal  my  wounded  pride.  But 
the  degenerate  state  of  my  wardrobe  is  confoundedly 
against  me.  There's  a  warm  old  rogue,  they  say,  with 
a  pretty  daughter,  lately  come  to  his  house  at  the  foot 
of  the  hill. — I've  a  great  mind — it's  damned  impudent, 
but,  if  I  hadn't  surmounted  my  delicacy,  I  must  have 
starved  long  ago. 


RAISING   THE   WIND.  7 

Enter  WAITER,  L.,  crosses,  in  haste,  to  B. 

George,  what's  the  name  of  the  new  family  at  the  foot 
of  the  hill  ? 

Wai.  I  don't  know  :  I  can't  attend  to  you  now. 

[Exit,  E. 

Did.  There,  again  !  Oh  !  I  musn't  bear  this  any  lon- 
ger— I  must  make  a  plunge. — No  matter  for  the  name. 
Gad !  perhaps  it  may  be  more  imposing  not  to  know  it ! 
I'll  go  and  scribble  her  a  passionate  billet  immediately 
— that  is,  if  they'll  trust  me  with  pen  and  ink.  [Exit,  L. 

Enter  FAIN  WOULD  and  BICHAKD,  R. — Sam  shows  them  in, 
crosses  to  L.,  and  exit. 

Fain.  Bring  breakfast  directly. — "Well,  Richard,  I 
think  I  shall  awe  them  into  a  little  respect  here,  though 
they're  apt  to  grin  at  me  in  London. 

Rich.  That  you  will,  I  dare  say,  sir. 

Fain.  Respect,  Richard,  is  all  I  want.  My  father's 
money  has  made  me  a  gentleman,  and  you  never  see 
any  familiar  jesting  with  your  true  gentlemen,  I'm  sure. 

Rich.  Yery  true,  sir.  And  so,  sir,  you've  come  here 
to  marry  this  Miss  Plainway,  without  ever  having  seen 
her. 

Fain.  Yes ;  but  my  father  and  hers  are  very  old 
friends  ;  they  were  schoolfellows.  They've  lived  at  a 
distance  from  one  another  ever  since,  for  Plainway 
always  hated  London.  But  my  father  has  often  visited 
him,  and  about  a  month  ago,  at  Bristol,  they  made  up 
this  match.  I  didn't  object  to  it,  for  my  father  says  she 
is  a  very  pretty  girl ;  and,  besides,  the  girls  in  London 
don't  treat  me  with  proper  respect,  by  any  means. 


8  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

Rich.  At  Bristol  ? — then  they're  new  inhabitants  here. 
Well,  sir,  you  must  muster  all  your  gallantry. 

Fain.  1  will,  Dick  ;  but  I'm  not  successful  that  way — 
I  always  do  some  stupid  thing  or  other  when  I  want  to 
be  attentive.  The  other  night,  in  a  large  assembly,  I 
picked  up  the  tail  of  a  lady's  gown,  and  gave  itto  her 
for  her  pocket-handkerchief. — Lord,  how  the  people  did 
laugh ! 

Rich.  It  was  an  awward  mistake,  to  be  sure,  sir. 

Fain.  Well,  now  for  a  little  refreshment,  and  then 
for  Miss  Plainway.  Go,  and  look  after  the  luggage, 
Richard.  [Sits  down. — Exit  Richard,  K. 

Enter  DEDDLEE,  with  a  letter  in  his  hand,  L. 

Did.  Here  it  is,  brief,  but  impressive.  If  she  has 
but  the  romantic  imagination  of  my  Peggy,  the  direc- 
tion alone  must  win  her.  [Reads.~\  "To  the  Beautiful 
Maid  at  the  foot  of  the  hill."  The  words  are  so  deli- 
cate, the  arrangement  so  poetical,  and  the  tout  ensemble 
reads  with  such  a  languishing  cadence,  that  a  blue- 
stocking garden-wench  must  feel  it !  "  To  the  Beautiful 
Maid  at  the  foot  of  the  hill."  She  can't  resist  it ! 

Fain.  I  am  very  hungry,  I  wish  they  would  bring  my 
breakfast.  [Sitting  on  n.  of  table. 

Did.  Breakfast !  delightful  sound  ! — Oh  !  bless  your 
unsuspicious  face,  we'll  breakfast  together.  [Diddler 
goes  to  the  table,  takes  up  a  newspaper,  and  sits  in  L. 
chair.'}  Sir,  your  most  obedient.  From  London,  sir,  I 
presume  ? 

fain.  At  your  service,  sir. 

Did.  Pleasant  traveling,  sir  ? 

Fain.  Middling,  sir. 

Did.  Any  news  in  town,  when  you  came  away  ? 


RAISING  THE   WIND.  9 

Fain.  Not  a  word,  sir — [Aside.]  Come,  this  is  polite 
and  respectful. 

Did.  Pray,  sir,  what's  your  opinion  of  affairs  in  gene- 
ral? 

Fain.  Sir? — why,  really,  sir,  —  [Aside.]  Nobody 
would  ask  my  opinion  in  town,  now. 

Did.  No  politician,  perhaps  ?  You  talked  of  break- 
fast, sir  ; — I  was  just  thinking  of  the  same  thing — shall 
be  proud  of  your  company.  [Eises. 

Fain.  \_Rises.~\  You're  very  obliging,  sir,  but  really 
I'm  in  such  haste — 

Did.  Don't  mention  it.  Company  is  everything  to 
me.  I'm  that  sort  of  man,  that  I  really  couldn't  dis- 
pense with  yon. 

Fain.  Sir,  since  you  insist  upon  it — waiter ! 

Sam.  [  Without,  L.]     Coming,  sir. 

Fain.  Bless  me,  they're  very  inattentive  here — they 
never  bring  you  what  you  call  for.  [Sits  down  in  K.  chair. 

Did.  No,  they  very  often  serve  me  so  ! 

[Sits  in  chair,  L. 
Enter  SAM,  L. 

Fain.  Let  that  breakfast  be  for  two. 
Did.  Yes,  this  gentleman  and  I  are  going  to  break- 
fast together. 

Sam.  [To  Fainwould.~\     You  order  it,  do  you,  sir? 
Fain.  Yes,  to  be  sure  ;  didn't  you  hear  me  ? 
Sam.  [Chuckling.]     Yes,  I  heard  you. 
Fain.  Then  bring  it  immediately. 
Sam.  Yes.  [Still  chuckling. 

Fain.  What  d'ye  mean  by  laughing,  you  scoundrel  ? 
Did.  Ay,  what  d'ye  mean  by  laughing,  you  scoundrel  ? 
[Drives  Sam  out,  and  follows,  L. 


10  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

Fain.  Now,  that's  disrespectful,  especially  to  that 
gentleman,  who  seems  to  be  so  well  known  here ;  but 
these  country  waiters  are  always  impertinent. 

Enter  DIDDLER,  his  letter  in  his  hand,  L. 

Did.  A.  letter  for  me?  desire  the  man  to  wait.  That 
bumpkin  is  the  most  impertinent — I  declare  it's  enough 
to — [Advancing  towards  Fainwould.]  You  haven't  got 
such  a  thing  as  half-a-crown  about  you,  have  you,  sir  ? 
there's  a  messenger  waiting,  and  I  haven't  got  any 
change  about  me. 

Fain.  Certainly — at  your  service. 

[Takes  out  his  purse,  and  gives  him  money. 

Did.  I'll  return  it  to  you,  sir,  as  soon  as  possible. 
Halloa !  here ! 

Enter  WAITEK,  L. 

Here's  the  man's  money — [Putting  it  into  his  own 
pocket] — bring  the  breakfast  immediately. 

Wai.  Here  it  is,  sir.  [Exit,  L. 

Enter  SAM,  with  breakfast,  L. 

Did.  There  we  are,  sir.  Now,  no  ceremony,  I  beg, 
for  I'm  rather  in  a  hurry  myself.  \_Exit  Sam,  chuck- 
ling, L.  Diddler  pours  out  coffee  for  himself.']  Help 
yourself,  and  then  you'll  have  it  to  your  liking.  When 
you've  done  with  that  loaf,  sir,  I'll  thank  you  for  it. 
[Takes  it  out  of  his  hand.]  Thank  you,  sir.  Breakfast, 
sir.  is  a  very  wholesome  meal.  [Eating  fast. 

Fain.  It  is,  sir ;  I  always  eat  a  good  one. 

Did.  So  do  I,  sir — [Aside,]  when  lean  get  it. 

Fain.  I  am  an  early  riser,  too ;  and  in  town  the  ser- 


RAISING   THE  WIND.  11 

vants  are  so  lazy,  that  I  am  often  obliged  to  wait  a  long 
while  before  I  can  get  any. 

Did.  That's  exactly  my  case  in  the  country. 

Fain.  And  it's  very  tantalizing,  when  one's  hungry, 
to  be  served  so. 

Did.  Very,  sir — I'll  trouble  you  once  more. 

[Snatches  the  bread  out  of  his  hand  again. 

Fain.  [Aside.]  This  can't  be  meant  for  disrespect, 
but  it's  very  like  it. 

Did.  Are  you  looking  for  this,  sir?  you  can  call  for 
more  if  you  want  it.  [Returns  a  very  small  lit.]  Here, 
waiter !  [  Waiter  answers  without.]  Some  mpre  bread 
for  this  gentleman.  You  eat  nothing  at  all,  sir. 

Fain.  Why,  bless  my  soul,  I  can  get  nothing. 

SAM  enters  with  rolls,  L. 

Did.  Yery  well,  Sam — thank  ye,  Sam — but  don't 
giggle,  Sam  ;  curse  you,  don't  laugh.  [Following  him,  L. 

Sam.  Ecod  !  you're  in  luck,  Mr.  Diddler.       [Exit,  L. 

Did.  [Re-entering,  and  again  tailing  his  letter  out  of 
his  pocket.']  "What,  another  letter  by  the  coach.  Might 
I  trouble  you  again  ?  You  haven't  got  such  a  thing  as 
tenpence  about  you,  have  you  ?  I  live  close  by,  sir ; 
I'll  send  it  to  you  all  the  moment  I  go  home.  Be  glad 
to  see  you  any  time  you'll  look  in,  sir. 

Fain.  You  do  me  honor,  sir, — I  haven't  any  half- 
pence ;  but  there's  my  servant,  you  can  desire  him  to 
give  it  you. 

Did.  You're  very  obliging.  [Puts  the  rolls  /Sam 
brought,  unobserved,  into  his  hat.]  I'm  extremely  sorry 
to  give  you  so  much  trouble.  I  will  take  that  liberty. 
— [Aside.]  Come,  I've  raised  the  wind  for  to-day,  how- 
ever !  Ha !  ha !  ha !  ha  !  [Exit,  R. 


12  RAISING   THE  WIND. 

Fain.  That  must  be  a  man  of  some  breeding — by  his 
ease  and  liis  impudence. 

Enter  SAM,  L.,  crossing  to  R. 

"Who  is  that  gentleman,  waiter? 

Sam.  Gentleman  ? 

Fain.  Yes ;  by  his  using  an  inn,  I  suppose  he  livea 
upon  his  means,  don't  he? 

Sam.  Yes  ;  but  they're  the  oddest  sort  of  means  you 
ever  heard  of  in  your  life.  What,  don't  you  know 
him? 

Fain.  (R.).    No. 

Sam.  "Well,  I  thought  so. 

Fain.  He  invited  me  to  breakfast  with  him. 

Sam.  Ay,  well,  that  was  handsome  enough. 

Fain.  I  thought  so  myself. 

Sam.  But  it  isn't  quite  so  handsome  to  leave  you  to 
pay  for  it. 

Fain.  Leave  me  to  pay  for  it  1 

Sam.  \_Looking  out.]     Yes,  I  see  he's  off,  there. 

Fain.  Pooh !  he's  only  gone  to  pay  for  a  letter. 

Sam.  A  letter !  bless  you,  there's  no  letter  comes  here 
for  him. 

Fain.  Why,  he's  had  two  this  morning ;  I  lent  him 
the  money  to  pay  for  'em. 

Sam.  No  ;  did  you,  though  ? 

Fain.  Yes  :  he  hadn't  any  change  about  him. 

Sam.  [Laughing.]  Dam'  if  that  an't  the  softest  trick 
I  ever  knowed. — You  come  fra'  Lunnun,  don't  you, 
sir? 

Fain.  Why,  you  giggling  blockhead,  what  d'ye 
mean  ? 


RAISING   THE   WIND.  13 

Sam.  Why,  he's  had  no  letters,  I  tell  you,  but  one  he 
has  just  been  writing  here  himself. 

Fain.  An  impudent  rascal ! 

Sam.  Well,  sir,  we'll  put  t'breakfast  all  to  your  bill, 
you  understand,  as  you  ordered  it. 

Fain.  Psha!  don't  tease  me  about  the  breakfast. 

Sam.  Upon  my  soul,  the  flattest  trick  I  ever  heard 
of  !  \Exit,  laughing,  L. 

Fain.  Well,  this  is  the  most  disrespectful  treatment. 

Enter  RICHARD,  meeting  him,  E. 

Rich.  I  lent  that  gentleman  the  tenpence,  sir. 
Fain.  Confound  the  gentleman,  and  you,  too ! 

driving  off  Richard,  R. 


SCENE  II. — The  Outside  of  Plainway's  House,  E.  u.  E. 
Enter  PLAIN  WAY,  PEGGY,  and  Miss  DUEABLE,  E. 

Miss  D.  (c.)  Dear  cousin,  how  soon  you  hurry  us 
home. 

Plain.  (L.)  Cousin,  you  grow  worse  and  worse. 
You'd  be  gaping  after  the  men  from  morning  till  night. 

Miss  D.  Mr.  Plainway,  I  tell  you  again,  I'll  not  bear 
your  sneers  ;  though  I  won't  blush  to  own,  as  I've  often 
told  you,  that  I  think  the  society  of  accomplished  men  as 
innocent  as  it  is  pleasing. 

Plain.  Innocent  enough  with  you  it  must  be ;  but 
there's  no  occasion  to  stare  accomplished  men  full  in  the 
face  as  they  pass  you,  or  to  sit  whole  hours  at  a  window  to 
gape  at  them,  unless  it  is  to  talk  to  them  in  your  famous 
language  of  the  eyes  ;  and  that,  I'm  afraid,  few  of  them 
understand,  or  else  you  speak  very  badly  ;  for,  whenever 


14  RAISING  THE  WIND. 

you  ask  'em  a  question  in  it,  they  never  seem  to  make 
you  any  answer. 

Miss  D.  Cousin  Plainway,  you're  a  sad  brute,  and  I'll 
never  pay  you  another  visit  while  I  live. 

Plain.  I'm  afraid,  cousin,  you  have  helped  my  daugh- 
ter to  some  of  her  wild  notions.  Come,  knock  at  the 
door.  [Miss  Durable  knocks  at  door  of  house,  E.  u.  E. — 
John  opens  it.~]  Well,  Peg,  are  you  better  prepared  to 
meet  your  lover  ? 

Peg.  [In  a  pensive  tone  and  attitude.]  Alas  !  cruel 
fate  ordains  I  shall  never  see  him  more. 

{The  door  opens — Miss  Durable  goes  into  the  house, 

K.  TJ.  E. 

Plain.  (L.)  There — She's  at  her  romance  again.  Never 
meet  him  more  !  why,  you're  going  to  meet  him  to-day 
for  the  first  time. 

Peg.  (E.)  You  speak  of  the  vulgar,  the  sordid  Fain- 
wonld  ;  I,  of  the  all-accomplished  Mortimer. 

Plain.  There !  that  Mortimer  again. — Let  me  hear 
that  name  no  more,  hussey ;  I  am  your  father,  and  will 
be  obeyed. 

Peg.  No,  sir;  as  Miss  Somerville  says,  fathers  of 
ignorant  and  grovelling  minds,  have  no  right  to  our 
obedience. 

Plain.  Miss  Somerville !  and  who  the  devil  is  Miss 
Somerville '? 

Peg.  "What,  sir  !  have  you  never  read  the  Victim  of 
Sentiment  ? 

Plain.  Damn  the  victim  of  sentiment ! — Get  in,  you 
baggage — Victim  of  Sentiment,  indeed  ! 

[  They  go  into  the  house  E.  u.  E. 


RAISING  THE   WIND.  15 

Enter  DIDDLEK  L. 

Did.  There  she  dwells.  Grant,  my  kind  stars,  that- 
she  may  have  no  lover — that  she  may  be  dying  for  want 
of  one  ;  that  she  may  tumble  about  in  her  rosy  slumbers 
with  dreaming  of  some  unknown  swain,  lovely  and  in- 
sinuating as  Jeremy  Diddler.  Now,  how  shall  I  get  my 
letter  delivered  ? 

Miss  D.  [Appearing  at  the  window,  R.  u.  E.]     Well 
I  declare,  the  balmy  zephyr  breathes  such  delightful 
and  refreshing  breezes,  that,  in   spite  of  my  cousin's 
sneers.  I  can't  help  indulging  in  them. 

Did.  [Looking  up.\  There  she  is,  by  my  hopes !  Ye 
sylphs  and  cupids,  strengthen  my  sigh,  that  I  may  lux- 
uriate on  her  beauties  !  No — not  a  feature  can  I  distin- 
guish— but  she's  gazing  on  mine,  and  that's  enough. 

Miss  D.  What  a  sweet-looking  young  gentleman — and 
his  eyes  are  directed  towards  me.  Oh,  my  palpitating 
heart !  what  can  he  mean  ? 

Did.  You're  a  made  man,  Jerry.  I'll  pay  off  my  old 
scores,  and  never  borrow  another  sixpence  while  I  live. 

Miss  D.  [Sings.]  "  Oh,  listen,  listen  to  the  voice  of 
love"— 

Did.  Yoice  indifferent : — but  damn  music  when  I've 
done  singing  for  my  dinners. 

Enter  SAM  L.  s.  E.,  with  a  par  eel. 

Eh,  Sam  here — he  shall  deliver  my  letter. — My  dear 
Sam,  I'm  so  glad  to  see  you. — I  forgive  your  laughing 
at  me. — Will  you  do  me  a  favor  ? 

Sam.  If  it  won't  take  me  long,  for  you  see  I've  gotten 
a  parcel  to  deliver  in  a  great  hurry.  By  the  by,  how 
nicely  you  did  that  chap. 


16  RAISING  THE   WIND. 

Did.  Hush,  you  rogue. — Look  up  there— do  you  see 
that  lady  ? 

Sam.  Yes,  I  see  her — 

Did.  Isn't  she  an  angel  ? 

Sam.  Why,  if  she  be,  she's  been  a  good  while  dead,  I 
reckon ;  long  enough,  to  appearance,  to  be  t'mother  of 
angels. 

Did.  Sam,  you're  a  wag;  but  I  don't  understand 
your  jokes.  Now,  if  you  can  contrive  to  deliver  this 
letter  into  her  own  hands,  you  shall  be  handsomely  re- 
warded. 

Sam.  Handsomely  rewarded  ! — Ay,  well,  let's  see. — • 
[Takes  the  letter.']  "  To  the  beauti  "— 

Did.  Beautiful — 

Sam.  "  Beautiful  maid  at  the  foot  of  the  hill.  [Looks 
up  at  the  window.']  Damme,  now  you're  at  some  of  your 
tricks. — [Aside]  The  old  toad's  got  some  money,  I  reckon. 
— "Well,  I  can  but  try,  you  know ;  and  as  to  the  reward, 
why  it's  neither  here  nor  there. 

[Knocks  at  the  door — John  opens  it. 

Did.  Thank  ye,  my  dear  fellow.  Get  an  answer  if 
you  can,  and  I'll  wait  here  for  you. 

[The  door  opens — Sam  nods  and  enters. 

Miss  D.  A  letter  to  deliver. — Oh,  dear !  I'm  all  of  a 
flutter.  I  must  learn  what  it  means. 

{Retires  from  the,  window. 

Did.  Transport!  she  has  disappeared  to  receive  it. 
She's  mine.  Now  I  shall  visit  the  country  'squires  upon 
other  terms. — I'll  only  sing  when  it  comes  to  my  turn, 
and  never  tell  a  story  or  cut  a  joke  but  at  my  own  table. 
Yet  I'm  sorry  for  my  pretty  Peggy.  I  did  love  that 
little  rogue  ;  and  I'm  sure  she  never  thinks  of  her  Mor- 
timer without  sighing. — [Sam  opens  the  door,  holds  it 


RAISING   THE   WIND.  17 

open,  and  beckons.']  Eh,  Sam  !  well,  what  answer  ?  [Sam 
advances,  K. 

Sam.  (K.)  Why,  first  of  all,  she  fell  into  a  vast  tre- 
pidation. 

Did.  (L.)  Then  you  saw  herself? 

Sam.  Yes,  I  asked  to  see  she  that  were  sitting  at  the 
window  over  the  door. 

Did.  Well— 

Sam.  Well,  you  see,  as  I  tell  you,  when  she  opened 
the  letter,  she  fell  into  a  vast  trepidation,  and  fluttered 
and  blushed,  and  blushed  and  fluttered — in  short — I 
never  see'd  any  person  play  such  comical  games  i'  my 
days. 

Did.  It  was  emotion,  Sam. 

Sam.  Yes,  I  know  it  was  emotion,  but  it  was  a 
devilish  queer  one.  Then,  at  last,  says  she,  stuttering 
as  might  be  our  pot-boy  of  a  frosty  morning,  says  she, 
tell  your  master — she  thought  you  was  my  master — he ! 
he !  he ! 

Did.  My  dear  Sam,  go  on. 

Sam.  Well: — tell  your  master,  says  she,  that  his 
request  is  rather  bold,  but  I've  too  much — too  much 
confidence  in  my  own  diss — dissension — 

Did.  Discretion ! 

Sam.  Ay,  I  fancy  you're  right — in  my  own  discretion, 
to  be  afraid  of  granting  it.  Then  she  turned  away  blush- 
ing again — 

Did.  Like  the  rose — 

Sam.  Like  the  rose,  he  !  he  !  he !  like  a  red  cabbage. 

Did.  I'm  a  happy  fellow. 

Sam.  {Smiling.}  Why,  how  much  did  you  ax  her 
for? 

Did.  Only  for  an  interview. 


18  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

Sam.  Oh,  then  you'd  better  go  in — I  ain't  shut  the 
door. 

Did.  I  fixed  it  for  to-morrow  morning:  but  there's 
nothing  like  striking  while  the  iron's  hot. — I  will  go  in, 
find  her  out,  and  lay  myself  at  her  feet  immediately. 
I'll  reward  yon,  Sam,  depend  upon  it.  I  shall  be  a 
moneyed  man  soon,  and  then  I'll  reward  you.  [Sam, 
sneers.']  I  will,  Sam,  I  give  you  my  word.  [Goes  into  the 
house,  K.  u.  E. 

Sam.  Come,  that's  kind,  too,  to  give  me  what  nobody 
else  will  take.  [Exit,  R. 

SCENE  III. — A.  Room  in  Plainway* &  House — Two  Chairs. 

Enter  DIDDLER,  cautiously,  R. 

Did.  !N"ot  here. — If  I  could  but  find  a  closet,  now,  I'd 
hide  myself  till  she  came  nigh. — Luckily,  here  is  one. — 
Who  have  we  here  ? 

[Retires  into  a  closet,  and  listens  from  the  door  in  F. 

Enter  FAIXWOULD  and  JOHN,  L. 

John.  (R.)  Walk  in,  sir,  I'll  send  my  master  to  yon, 
directly.  Exit,  R. 

Fain.  (L.)  Kow  let  me  see  if  I  can't  meet  with  a  little 
more  respect  here. 

Did.  [Approaching  and  examining  him~]  My  cockney 
friend,  by  Heavens  !  Come  in  pursuit  of  me,  perhaps ! 

Fain.  (L.)  Old  Plainway  will  treat  me  becomingly, 
no  doubt;  and  as  he  positively  determined  with  my 
father  that  I  should  have  his  daughter,  I  presume  she's 
prepared  to  treat  me  with  proper  respect,  too. 

Did.  (R.)  What !  Plainway  and  his  daughter !  Here's 


BAISING  THE   WIND.  19 

a  discovery!  Then,  my  Peggy,  after  all,  is  the  beautiful 
maid  at  the  foot  of  the  hill,  and  the  sly  rogue  wouldn't 
discover  herself  at  the  window  on  purpose  to  convict  me 
of  infidelity.  How  unlucky  !  and  a  rival  arrived,  too, 
just  at  the  unfortunate  crisis.  [John  returns  K. 

John.  He'll  be  with  you  immediately,  Mr.  Fainwould. 

[Crosses,  and  exit,  L. 

Did.  Mr.  Fainwould,  eh  ! — "Now,  what's  to  be  done  ? 
If  I  could  but  get  rid  of  him,  I  wouldn't  despair  of  ex- 
cusing myself  to  Peggy. 

Fain.  I  wonder  what  my  father  says  in  his  letter  of 
introduction.  {Takes  a  letter  out  of  his  pocket. 

Did.  A  letter  of  introduction ! — Oh  !  oh !  the  first 
visit,  then.  Gad,  I  have  it ! — It's  the  only  way ;  so, 
impudence  befriend  me  !  But,  first,  I'll  lock  the  old 
gentleman  out.  [Goes  cautiously,  and  locks  the  door, 
E.,  whence  the  servant  came  out — then  advances  briskly 
to  Fainwould, .]  Sir,  your  most  obedient. 

Fain.  (L.)  He  here ! 

Did.  (K.)  So,  you've  found  me  out,  sir.  But  I've  sent 
you  the  money — three-and-four-pence,  wasn't  it  ? — Two- 
and-six  and  ten — 

Fain.  Sir,  I  didn't  mean — 

Did.  ISTo,  sir,  I  dare  say  not  —  merely  for  a  visit. 
Well,  I'm  very  glad  to  see  you.  Won't  you  take  a 
seat  ? 

Fain.  And  you  live  here,  do  you,  sir? 

Did.  At  present,  sir,  I  do. 

Fain.  And  is  your  name  Plain  way  ? 

Did.  "No,  sir.  I'm  Mr.  Plainway's  nephew.  I'd  in- 
troduce you  to  my  uncle,  but  he's  very  busy  at  present 
with  Sir  "Robert  Rental,  settling  preliminaries  for  his 
marriage  with  my  cousin. 


20  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

fain.  Sir  Robert  Rental's  marriage  with  Miss  Plain- 
way  ! 

Did.  Oh,  you've  heard  a  different  report  on  that  sub- 
j ect,  perhaps.  Now,  thereby  hangs  a  very  diverting  tale. 
If  you're  not  in  a  hurry,  sit  down,  and  I'll  make  you 
laugh  about  it.  [Diddler  goes  up  and  gets  a  chair,  which 
he  brings  forward,  B.,  and,  in  placing  it,  he  strikes  it  on 
Fainwould's  foot. 

Fain.  [Aside.]  This  is  all  very  odd,  upon  my  soul. 
[They  sit  down,  lie  having  brought  down  chair,  L. 

Did.  You  see,  my  uncle  did  agree  with  an  old  fel- 
low of  the  name  of  Fainwould,  a  Londoner,  to  marry 
my  cousin  to  his  son,  and  expects  him  down  every  day 
for  the  purpose ;  but,  a  little  while  ago,  Sir  Robert  Ren- 
tal, a  baronet,  with  a  thumping  estate,  fell  in  love  with 
her,  and  she  fell  in  love  with  him.  So  my  uncle  altered 
his  mind,  as  it  was  very  natural  he  should,  you  know, 
and  agreed  to  this  new  match. — And,  as  he  never  saw 
the  young  cockney,  and  has  since  heard  that  he's  quite 
a  vulgar,  conceited,  foolish  fellow,  he  hasn't  thought  it 
worth  his  while  to  send  him  any  notice  of  the  affair. 
So,  if  he  should  come  down,  you  know,  we  shall  have 
a  damned  good  laugh  at  his  disappointment.  [Fain- 
would  drops  his  letter,  which  Diddler  picks  up  unseen.] 
Ha  !  ha !  ha !  Capital  go,  isn't  it  ? 

Fain.  Ha !  ha  1  ha !  a  very  capital  go,  indeed. — 
[ Aside.]  Here's  disrespect.  But  if  the  cockney  shouldn't 
be  disposed  to  think  of  the  affair  quite  so  merrily  as  you  ? 

Did.  Oh,  the  puppy !  if  he's  refractory,  I'll  pull  his 
nose. 

Fain.  [Aside.]  Here's  an  impudent  scoundrel ! 
[fiises.]  "Well,  I  shall  cheat  'em  of  their  laugh  by  thia 
meeting,  however. 


RAISING   THE   WIND.  21 

Did.  [Aside.]  A  shy  cock,  I  see. 

Fain.  Oh,  you'll  pull  his  nose,  will  you  ? 

Did.  If  he's  troublesome,  I  shall  certainly  have  that 
pleasure.  Nothing  I  enjoy  more  than  pulling  noses. 

Fain.  [Rising.]  Sir,  I  wish  you  a  good  morning. 
Perhaps,  sir,  you  may.  [A  knocking  at  the  door  which, 
Diddler  had  locked,  K. 

Did.  [Aside.]  Just  in  time,  by  Jupiter ! — Be  quiet 
there.  Damn  that  mastiff!  Sir,  I'm  sorry  you're  going 
so  soon.  [Knocking  again,  K.  D.]  Be  quiet,  I  say. 
Well,  I  wish  you  a  good  morning,  sir !  Then,  you  won't 
stay  and  take  a  bit  of  dinner  ? 

Fain.  Perhaps,  sir,  I  say,  you  may  hear  from  me 
again. 

Did.  Sir,  I  shall  be  extremely  happy,  I'm  sure. 
[Exit  Fainwould,  L.]     Bravo,  Jeremy  !  admirably  hit 
off!     [Knocking  repeated.]      Now  for  the  old  gentle- 
man.    [Opens  the  door. 

Enter  PLATNWAY,  K. 

Plain.  My  dear  Mr.  Fainwould,  I'm  extremely  hap- 
P_y  to  see  you.  I  beg  pardon  for  keeping  you  so  long. 
Why,  who  the  deuce  could  lock  that  door  ? 

Did.  He !  he  !  he !    It  was  I,  sir. 

Plain.  (R.)  You  !  why,  what — 

Did.  (L.)  A  bit  of  humor — to  show  you  I  deter- 
mined to  make  free,  and  consider  myself  at  home. 

Plain.  [Aside.]  A  bit  of  humor  !  why,  you  must  be 
an  inveterate  humorist,  indeed,  to  begin  so  soon. — Well, 
come,  that's  merry  and  hearty. 

Did.  Yes,  you'll  find  I've  all  that  about  me. 

Plain.  Well,  and  how's  my  old  friend,  and  all  the 
rest  of  the  family  ? 


22  RAISING  THE  WIND. 

Did.  "Wonderfully  well,  my  old  buck, — but  here,  here 
you  have  it  all  in  black  and  white.  [  Gives  the  letter. 

Plain.  So,  an  introduction. 

Did.  [Aside.]  It's  rather  unlucky  I  don't  know  a  little 
more  of  my  family.  [Struts  familiarly  about. 

Plain.  [Reads.]  "  This  will  at  length  introduce  to 
you  your  son-in-law.  I  hope  he  will  prove  agreeable, 
both  to  you  and  your  daughter.  His  late  military  ha- 
bits I  think  have  much  improved  his  appearance,  and 
perhaps  you  will  already  discern  something  of  the  officer 
about  him."  Something  of  the  officer — [Looking  at 
him,] — damme,  it  must  be  a  sheriff's  officer,  then. 
"Treat  him-  delicately,  and,  above  all,  avoid  raillery  icith 
him"  So,  then,  I  suppose,  though  he  can  give  a  joke, 
lie  can't  take  one. — "  It  is  apt  to  make  him  unhappy, 
as  he  always  thinks  it  levelled  at  that  stiffness  in  his 
manners,  arising  from  his  extreme  timidity  and  bash- 
fulness  !  Assure  Peggy  of  the  coi^dial  affection  of  her 
intended  father,  and  your  faithful  friend, 

"FEAS.  FAIXWOULD." 
A  very  pretty  introduction,  truly. 

Did.  But  where  is  my  charming  Peggy?  I  say — 
couldn't  I  have  a  little  private  conversation  to  begin 
with? 

Plain.  Why,  I  must  introduce  you,  you  know — I  de- 
sired her  to  follow  me — Oh !  here  she  comes. 

Did.  [Aside]  Now,  if  she  should  fall  in  a  passion 
and  discover  me. 

Enter  PEGGY,  K. 

Plain.  My  dear,  this  is  Mr.  Fain  would. 
Did.  Madam,  your  most  devoted. 

[She  screams — he  supports  her. 


RAISING  THE  WIND.  23 

Peg.  [In  a  low  tone.']  Mortimer  1 

Did.  [Aside  to  her.']  Hushl  don't  be  astonished— 
you  see  what  I'm  at — keep  it  up. 

Plain.  "What  ails  the  girl  ?  Oh,  I  see,  she's  at  her 
romance  again. — Mr.  Fainwould,  try  if  you  can't  bring 
her  about,  while  I  go  and  fetch  my  cousin  Laury  to 
you.  [Exit,  L. 

Did.  Ko  fear,  sir ;  she  is  coming  about.  My  dear 
Peggy !  after  an  age  of  fruitless  search,  do  I  again  hold 
you  in  these  arms  ? 

Peg.  Cruel  man  !  how  could  yon  torment  me  with  so 
long  an  absence  and  so  long  a  silence  ?  I've  written  to 
you  a  thousand  times. 

Did.  A  thousand  unlucky  accidents  have  prevented 
my  receiving  your  letters,  and  your  address  I  most  fatal- 
ly lost  not  an  hour  after  you  gave  it  to  me. 

Peg.  And  how  did  you  find  it  out  at  last  ? 

Did.  By  an  accidental  rencontre  with  my  rival.  I've 
hummed  him  famously,  frightened  him  away  from  the 
house,  contrived  to  get  his  letter  of  recommendation, 
and  presented  myself  in  his  stead. 

Peg.  It  is  enough  to  know  that  you  are  again  mine ; 
and  now  we'll  never  part. 

Did.  Never,  if  I  can  help  it  I  assure  you. 

Peg.  Lord,  Mortimer,  what  a  change  there  is  in  your 
dress. 

Did.  Eh?  yes — I've  dressed  so  on  purpose;  rather 
in  the  extreme,  perhaps ;  but  I  thought  it  would  look 
my  vulgar  rival  better. 

Peg.  Well  thought  of ;  so  it  will.  Here's  my  father 
coming  back.  I'd  better  seem  a  little  distant,  you 
know. 

Did.  You're  right. 


24  EAISING  THE   WIND. 

Enter  PLAINWAY,  L.,  Diddler  not  seeming  to  'notice  Mm. 

Do,  my  dear  lady,  be  merciful.  But,  perhaps,  it  i3 
in  mercy  that  you  thus  avert  from  me  the  killing  lustre 
of  those  piercing  eyes. 

Plain.  [Aside.]  "Well  done,  timidity. — [To  him.'] 
Bravo  !  Mr.  Fainwould  ;  you'll  not  be  long  an  unsuc- 
cessful wooer,  I  see.  Well,  my  cousin's  coming  to  see 
you  the  moment  she's  a  little  composed.  [Crosses,  c.] 
"Why,  Peg,  I  fancy  the  old  fool  has  been  gaping  out  at 
window  to  some  purpose  at  last.  I  verily  believe  some- 
body, either  in  jest  or  in  earnest,  has  really  been  writing 
her  a  billet-doux,  for  I  caught  her  quite  in  a  fluster 
reading  a  letter,  and  the  moment  she  saw  me,  she  grap- 
pled it  up,  and  her  cheeks  turned  as  red  as  her  nose. 

Did  [Muck  disconcerted,  aside]  Oh,  Lord  !  here's  the 
riddle  unfolded.  Curse  my  blind  eyes  1  what  a  scrape 
they've  brought  me  into  !  a  fusty  old  maid,  I  suppose. 
"What  the  devil  shall  I  do  ?  I  must  humor  the  blunder, 
or  she'll  discover  me. 

Plain.  Here  she  comes. 

Did.  [Aside.]  Oh,  lord  !  Oh,  lord  ! 

Enter  Miss  DURABLE,  L. 

Plain.  Mr.  Fainwould,  Miss  Durable. — Miss  Durable, 
Mr.  Fainwould. 

[ Miss  Durable  screams,  and  seems  much  agitated. 

Did.  {advancing  to  her.]  My  dear  lady,  what's  the 
matter  ? — [Aside  to  her.]  Don't  be  astonished.  You  see 
what  I'm  at — keep  it  up.  [Continues  whispering  to  her. 

Plain.  "Why,  what  the  devil !  This  fellow  frightens 
my  whole  family.  It  must  be  his  officer-like  appear- 
ance, I  suppose. 


RAISING  THE  WIND.  25 

Peg.  [Aside]  Well,  I  declare,  Laurelia  means  to  fall 
in  love  with  him,  and  supplant  me. 

Miss  D.  [Aside  to  Diddler.]  Oh,  you're  a  bold,  adven- 
turous man. 

Did.  [To  her]  Yes,  I'm  a  very  bold,  adventurous  man, 
but  love,  madam — 

Miss  D.  Hush ! 

Plain.  Why,  Fainwould,  you  seem  to  make  some  im- 
pression upon  the  ladies. 

Did.  Not  a  very  favorable  one,  it  would  seem,  sir. 

Miss  D.  I  beg  Mr.  Fainwould*s  pardon,  I'm  sure.  It 
was  merely  a  slight  indisposition,  that  seized  me. 

Plain.  Oh  !  a  slight  indisposition,  was  it  ? 

Peg.  [Aside.~]  Yes,  I  see  she's  throwing  out  her  lures. 

Did.  Will  you  allow  me,  madam,  to  lead  you  to  the 
air  ?  Miss  Durable,  here's  the  other  arm  at  your  ser- 
vice. 

Miss  D.  [Taking  it.]  Dear  sir,  you're  extremely 
obliging. 

Did.  Don't  say  so,  madam  ;  the  obligation  is  mine. — 
[Nodding.]  Plainway,  you  see  what  a  way  I'm  in. 

[Exeunt  Diddler,  Peggy,  and  Miss  Durable. 

Plain.  Bashfulness ! — Damme !  if  ever  I  saw  such  an 
impudent  dog  1  [Eadt,  L. 

ACT   II. 

SCENE  I. — The  Inn. 
Enter  FAINWOULD  and  RICHABD,  L. 

Fain.  In  short,  I  never  met  with  such  disrespectful 
treatment  since  I  was  born  : — and  so  the  rascal's  name 
is  Diddler,  is  it  ? 


26  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

Rich.  So  I  heard  the  \raiters  call  him. 

Fain.  As  to  the  disappointment,  Richard,  it's  a  very 
fortunate  one  for  me ;  for  it  must  be  a  scrubby  family, 
indeed,  when  one  of  its  branches  is  forced  to  have  re- 
course to  such  low  practices.  But,  to  be  treated  with 
such  contempt?  why  am  I  to  be  laughed  at  every 
where  ? 

Rich.  If  I  was  you,  sir,  I'd  put  that  question  where 
it's  fit  it  should  be  answered. 

Fain.  And  so  I  will,  Richard. — If  1  don't  go  back 
and  kick  up  such  a  bobbery — I  warrant  I'll — "Why,  he 
called  me  a  vulgar,  conceited,  foolish  cockney. 

Rich.  No,  sure  ? 

Fain.  Yes,  but  he  did — and  what  a  fool  my  father 
must  have  been,  not  to  see  through  such  a  set — a  low- 
bred rascal,  with  his  three-and-four-pence.  But  if  I  don't 
—I'll  take  your  advice,  Richard :  I'll  hire  a  postchaise 
directly,  drive  to  the  house,  expose  Mr.  Diddler,  blow 
up  all  the  rest  of  the  family,  Sir  Robert  Rental  included, 
and  then  set  off  for  London,  and  turn  my  back  upon  'em 
for  ever.  Exeunt  B. 

Enter  SAM,  with  a  letter,  followed  ~by  MESSENGEB. 

Sam:  "Why,  but  what  for  do  you  bring  it  here  ? 

Mes.  "Why,  because  it  says,  to  be  delivered  with  all 
possible  speed.  I  know  he  comes  here  sometimes,  and 
most  likely  won't  be  at  home  till  night. 

Sam.  Well,  if  I  see  him,  I'll  gi't  to  him.  Most  likely 
he'll  be  here  by  and  by. 

Mes.  Then  I'll  leave  it.  [Exit,  B. 

Sam.  "  Mr.  Jeremiah  Diddler."  Dang  it,  what  a  fine 
seal ;  and  I'll  be  shot  if  it  don't  feel  like  a  bank  note. 
To  be  delivered  wi'  all  possible  speed,  too — I  shouldn't 


RAISING   THE   WIND.  27 

wonder,  now,  if  it  brought  him  some  good  luck.  Ha  ! 
ha !  ha !  wi'  all  my  heart.  He's  a  damned  droll  dog, 
and  1  like  him  vastly.  {Exit,  L. 

SCENE  II. — A  Room  in  Plainway's  House. — Four 
Chairs. —  Wine,  with  glasses  and  desert,  on  a  table. — 
PLAINWAY,  c.,  DIDDLER,  L.,  PEGGY,  L.,  and  Miss 
DURABLE,  R.,  discovered  at  table. 

Plain.  Bravo  !  bravo !  ha !  ha  !  ha  !       [ They  laugh. 

Miss  D.  Upon  my  word,  Mr.  Fain  would,  you  sing 
delightfully ;  you  surely  have  had  some  practice  ? 

Did.  A  little,  madam. 

Miss  D.  Well,  I  think  it  must  be  a  very  desirable 
accomplishment,  if  it  were  only  for  your  own  entertain- 
ment. 

Did.  It  is  in  that  respect,  madam,  that  1  have  hitherto 
found  it  most  particularly  desirable. 

Miss  D.  But  surely  the  pleasure  of  pleasing  your 
hearers — 

Did.  I  now  find  to  be  the  highest  gratification  it  can 
bestow,  except  that  of  giving  me  a  claim  to  a  return 
in  kind  from  you.  [Aside  to  Peggy.~]  I  lay  it  on  thick, 
don't  I? 

Miss  D.  You  really  must  excuse  me  ;  I  can't  perform 
to  my  satisfaction  without  the  assistance  of  an  instru- 
ment. 

Plain.  "Well,  well,  cousin,  then  we'll  hear  you  by 
and  by  ;  there's  no  hurry,  I'm  sure.  Come,  Mr.  Fain- 
would,  your  glass  is  empty. 

Miss  D.  Peggy,  my  love. 

{They  rise  to  retire. — Exit  Miss  Durable,  R. 

Plain.  Peg,  here,  come  back ;  I  want  to  speak  with 
you. 


28  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

Peg.  [Returns."]  Well,  papa. 

Plain.  Mr.  Fainwould,  [They  rise,]  you  know  I  told 
you  of  a  billet-doux  that  old  Laury  had  received. 

Peg.  Yes,  sir. 

Plain.  Coming  through  the  passage  to  dinner,  I  picked 
it  up. 

Peg  &  Did.  No ! 

Plain.  Yes;  I  have  it  in  my  pocket — one  of  the 
richest  compositions  you  ever  beheld.  I'll  read  it  to 
you. 

Did.  [Aside.}  How  unlucky!  Now,  if  she  sees  it, 
she'll  know  the  hand. 

Plain.  [Reads.']  "  To  the  beautiful  maid  at  the  foot  of 
the  hill."  Ha  !  ha  !  ha  ! 

Did  &  Peg.  Ha !  ha  I  ha !  [Diddler  crosses  and 
endeavors  to  keep  Peggy  from  overlooking  Plainway 
while  he  reads. 

Plain.  "  Most  celestial  of  terrestrial  beings !  2  have 
received  a  wound  from  your  eyes,  which  baffles  all  sur- 
gical skill.  The  smile  of  her  who  gave  it  is  the  only  bal- 
sam that  can  save  it.  Let  me,  therefore,  supplicate 
admittance  to  your  presence  to-morrow,  to  know  at  once 
if  1  may  live  or  die. 

"  That  if  I'm  to  live,  I  may  live  your  fond  lover, 
And,  if  Pm  to  die,  I  may  get  it  soon  over. 

"ADONIS." 

[TJiey  all  laugh.    Diddler  appears  much  disconcerted. 
Plain.  Why,  this  Adonis  must  be  about  as  great  a  fool 
as  his  mistress,  eh,  sir  ?  ha  !  ha  !  ha  ! 

Did.  Yes,  sir ;  he  !  he  1  he  ! — [Aside.]  They've  found 
me  out,  and  this  is  a  quiz.  [Crosses,  L.  ' 

Peg.  Or  more  likely,  some  poor  knave,  papa,  that 
wants  her  money — ha !  ha !  ha  ! 


BAISING   THE   WIND.  29 

Plain.  Ha  !  ha !  ha  I  Or,  perhaps,  a  compound  of 
both  ;  eh,  sir  ? 

Did.  Very  likely,  sir ;  he  !  he !  he ! — [Aside.]  They're 
at  me. 

Plain.  But  we  must  laugh  her  out  of  the  connection, 
and  disappoint  the  rogue,  however ;  though,  I  dare  say, 
he  little  thought  to  create  so  much  merriment.  So  short- 
sighted in  roguery. 

Did.  [Aside.]  Short-sighted  1  it's  all  up,  to  a  cer- 
tainty. 

Plain.  So,  she's  returning,  impatient  of  being  left 
alone,  I  suppose.  Now,  we'll  smoke  her. — 

Did.  [Aside.]  I'll  join  the  laugh,  at  all  events. 

Enter  Miss  DUBAB£E,  R. 

Miss  D.  Bless  me,  why,  I'm  quite  forsaken  among 
you  all — 

Plain.  Forsaken,  my  dear  cousin !  it's  only  for  age 
and  ugliness  to  talk  of  being  forsaken ;  not  for  a  beau- 
tiful maid  like  you — the  most  celestial  of  terrestrial 
beings!  {All  laugh. 

Miss  D.  [Aside.]  I'm  astonished — he  laughing,  too ! 

Did.  [Aside,  crossing  to  her.~\  Excuse  my  laughter, 
it's  only  in  jest. 

Miss  D.  In  jest,  sir  1 

Did.  Yes.  [  Whispers  and  winks. 

Plain.  "Well,  but,  my  dear  cousin,  I  hope  you'll  be 
merciful  to  the  tender  youth.  Such  a  frown  as  that, 
now,  would  kill  him  at  once. 

Miss  D.  Cousin  Plainway,  this  insult  is  intolerable. 
I'll  not  stay  in  your  house  another  hour. 

Plain.  Nay,  but,  my  dear  Laury,  I  didn't  expect  that 


30  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

truth  would  give  offence.     "We'll  leave  Mr.  Fainwould 
to  make  our  peace  with  you. 

Did.  [Aside.]  Leave  me  alone  with  her !  Oh !  the 
devil ! 

Peg.  Ay,  do,  Mr.  Fain  would,  endeavor  to  pacify  her 
— pray  induce  her  to  continue  a  little  longer  "  the  beau- 
tiful maid  at  the  foot  of  the  hill." 

[Exeunt  Plainway  and  Peggy,  through  D.  F. — Miss 
Durable  and  Diddler  look  sheepishly  at  each  other. 

Did.  [Aside.]  I'm  included  in  the  quiz,  as  I'm  a  gen- 
tleman.— [ To  her.]  My  dear  madam,  how  could  you — 

Miss  D.  How  could  I  what,  sir  ? 

Did.  "Wear  a  pocket  with  a  hole  in  it  ? 

Miss  D.  I  wear  no  pockets,  which  caused  the  fatal 
accident.  But,  sir,  I  trust  it  is  an  accident  that  will 
cause  no  change  in  your  affection. 

Did.  [Aside.]  Damn  it !  now  she's  going  to  be  amor- 
ous. [To  her.]  None  in  the  world,  madam.  I  assure  you, 
I  love  you  as  much  as  ever  I  did — 

Miss  D.  I  fear  my  conduct  is  very  imprudent.  If  you 
should  he  discovered — 

Did.  It's  not  at  all  unlikely,  madam,  that  I  am  already. 
[Aside.]  Now,  she'll  be  boring  me  for  explanations.  I 
must  get  her  among  them  again. — [To  her.]  Or,  if  I'm 
not,  if  we  don't  take  great  care,  I  soon  shall  be  :  there- 
fore, for  better  security,  I  think  we'd  better  immediately 
join— 

Miss  D.  Oh,  dear,  sir  I  so  soon  ? — I  declare  you  quite 
agitate  me  with  the  idea. 

Did.  Ma'am  ! 

Miss  D.  It  is  so  awful  a  ceremony,  that  really  a  little 
time — 


RAISING   THE   WIND.  31 

Did.  My  dear  ma'am,  I  didn't  mean  anytiiing  about 
a  ceremony. 

Miss  D.  Sir ! 

Did.  Yon  misunderstand  me ;  I — 

Miss  D.  You  astonish  me,  sir !  no  ceremony,  indeed  ! 
And  would  you,  then,  take  advantage  of  my  too  suscep- 
tible heart,  to  ruin  me  ?  would  you  rob  me  of  my  inno- 
cence? would  you  despoil  me  of  my  honor?  Cruel, 
barbarous,  inhuman  man  I  [Affects  to  faint. 

Did.  [Supporting  her]  Upon  my  soul,  madam,  I  would 
not  interfere  with  your  honor  on  any  account. — [Aside.] 
I  must  make  an  outrageous  speech  ;  there's  nothing  else 
will  make  her  easy,  [falls  on  his  knees.]  Paragon  of 
premature  divinity !  what  instrument  of  death,  or  tor- 
ture, can  equal  the  dreadful  power  of  your  frowns  ? 
Poison,  pistols,  pikes, 

[Enter  PEGGY  at  door,  listening.'] 

steel-traps,  and  spring-guns,  the  thumb-screw,  or  lead- 
kettle,  the  knout,  or  cat-o'-nine-tails,  are  impotent,  com- 
pared with  the  words  of  your  indignation  !  Cease,  then, 
to  wound  by  them  a  heart  whose  affection  for  you 
nothing  can  abate — whose — 

Peg.  [Comes  down,  c.,  interrupting  him,  and  showing 
his  letter.'}  So,  sir,  this  is  your  fine  effusion,  and  this  is 
the  fruit  of  it.  False,  infamous  man  !  [Retires  up. 

Did.  [Aside  to  Miss  Durable.']  I  told  you  so.  You'd 
better  retire,  and  I'll  contrive  to  get  off.  My  dear  Miss 
Plain  way —  [Crosses  to  c. 

Peg.  Don't  dear  me,  sir — I  have  done  with  you. 

Did.  If  you  would  but  hear — 

Peg.  I'll  hear  nothing,  sir ;  you  can't  clear  yourself  • 


32  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

this  duplicity  can  only  arise  from  the  meanest  of  mo- 
tives, Mr.  Mortimer. 

Miss  D.  Mr.  Mortimer !  then  I  am  the  dupe,  after 
all! 

Peg.  You're  a  mean — 

Miss  D.  Base — 

Peg.  Deceitful — 

Miss  D.  Abominable — 

Did.  [Aside.]  Here's  a  breeze  I  This  is  raising  the 
wind  with  a  vengeance.  My  dear  Miss  Plainway,  I — 
a —  My  dear  Miss  Durable — [Aside]  pray  retire  ;  in 
five  minutes  I'll  come  to  you  in  the  garden,  and  explain 
all  to  your  satisfaction. 

Miss  D.  And,  if  you  don't — 

Did.  Oh,  I  will ;  now,  do  go. 

Peg.  And  you,  too,  madam ;  ar'nt  you  ashamed — 

Miss  D.  Don't  talk  to  me  in  that  style,  miss  ;  and  I 
shall  therefore  leave  you  with  perfect  indifference  to 
make  your  own  construction. — [To  him]  You'll  find  me 
in  the  garden,  sir.  [Exit,  L. 

Did.  [Aside.']  Floating  in  the  fish-pond,  I  hope. — [To 
Peggy. ,]  My  dear  Peggy,  how  could  you  for  a  moment 
believe — 

Peg.  I'll  not  listen  to  you — I'll  go  and  expose  you  to 
my  father  immediately.  He'll  order  the  servants  to  toss 
you  in  a  blanket,  and  then  to  kick  you  out  of  doors. 

Did.  [Holding  her.]  So,  between  two  stools,  poor  Je- 
remy comes  to  the  ground  at  last.  Now,  Peggy,  my 
dear  Peggy,  I  know  I  shall  appease  you.  [He  takes  her 
hand.']  That  letter — I  did  write  that  letter.  But,  as  a 
proof  that  I  love  you,  and  only  you,  and  that  I  will  love 
you  as  long  as  I  live,  I'll  run  away  with  you  directly. 

Peg.  Will  you,  this  instant  ? 


RAISING  THE  WIND.  33 

Did.  I'll  hire  a  post-chaise  immediately. — [Aside.'] 
That  is,  if  I  can  get  credit  for  one. 

Peg.  Go,  and  order  it. 

Did.  I'm  off!  [Going.]  Nothing  but  disasters!  here's 
the  Cockney  coming  back  in  a  terrible  rage,  and  I  shall 
be  discovered. 

Peg.  How  unlucky !  Couldn't  you  get  rid  of  him 
again  ? 

Did.  Keep  out  of  the  way,  and  I'll  try. 

[She  retires  at  K.  D.  F. 
Enter  FAINWOFLD,  B. 

Fain.  So,  sir — 

Did.  How  do  you  do,  again,  sir  ?  Hasn't  my  servant 
left  you  three-and-fourpence  yet  ?  Bless  my  soul,  how 
stupid ! 

Fain.  Sir,  I  want  to  see  Mr.  Plainway. 

Did.  Do  you,  sir  ?  that's  unlucky — he's  just  gone  out 
to  take  a  walk  in  the  fields.  Look  through  that  win- 
dow, and  you  may  see  him  ;  there,  you  see,  just  under 
that  hedge ;  now  he's  getting  over  a  stile.  If  you  like 
to  follow  him  with  me,  I'll  introduce  him  to  you ;  but 
you'd  better  call  again. 

Fain.  Sir,  I  see  neither  a  hedge  nor  a  stile,  and  I 
don't  believe  a  word  you  say. 

Did.  [  With  affected  dignity.]  Don't  believe  a  word  I 
say,  sir  ? 

Fain.  ISTo,  sir. 

Did.  Sir,  I  desire  you'll  quit  this  house. 

Fain.  I  shan't,  sir ! 

Did.  You  shan't,  sir  ? 

Fain.  No,  sir — my  business  is  with  Mr.  Plainway. 
I've  a  post-chaise  waiting  for  me  at  the  door,  and  there- 
fore have  no  time  to  lose. 


34  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

Did.  A  post-chaise  waiting  at  the  door,  sir  ? 

Fain.  Yes,  sir ;  the  servant  told  me  Mr.  Fainwould 
was  within,  and  I'll  find  him,  too,  or  I'm  very  much 
mistaken.  [Exit,  L. 

Did.  A  post-chaise  waiting  at  the  door !  we'll  bribe 
the  postboy,  and  jump  into  it. 

Peg.  Charming! 

Did.  Now,  who  shall  I  borrow  a  guinea  of  to  bribe 
the  postboy  ? 

Enter  JOHN,  L. 

John.  Has  that  gentleman  found  my  master,  sir  ? 

Did.  Oh,  yes,  John,  I  showed  him  into  the  drawing- 
room.  {John  is  going.']  Stop,  John,  step  this  way.  Your 
name  is  John,  isn't  it  ? 

John.  Yes,  sir. 

Did.  "Well,  how  d'ye  do,  John  ?  Got  a  snug  place 
here,  John  ? 

John.  Yes,  sir,  very  snug. 

Did.  Ay — good  wages,  good  'vails,  eh  ? 

John.  Yes,  sir,  very  fair. 

Did.  Urn — you  haven't  got  such  a  thing  as  a  guinea 
about  you,  have  you  ? 

John.  No,  sir. 

Did.  Ay — that's  all,  John,  I  only  asked  for  informa- 
tion. {Exit  John,  R. 

Did.  'Gad — I  said  a  civil  thing  or  two  to  the  gardener 
just  now.  I'll  go  and  try  him  ;  and,  to  prevent  all  fur- 
ther rencontres,  make  my  escape  through  the  garden 
gate.  [Going,  L. 

Enter  Miss  DURABLE,  L. 
Oh,  lord  !  here  is  old  innocence  again. 

Miss  D.  Well,  sir,  I'm  all  impatience  for  this  expla- 
nation. So,  you've  got  rid  of  Miss  Peggy  ? 


RAISING   THE    WIND.  35 

Did.  Yes,  I  have  pacified  her,  and  she's  retired  to  the 
— drawing-room.  I  was  just  coming  to — you  haven't 
got  such  a  thing  as  a  guinea  about  you,  madam,  have 
you  ?  A  troublesome  postboy,  that  drove  me  this  morn- 
ing, is  teasing  me  for  his  money.  You  see,  I  happened 
unfortunately  to  change  my  small — 

Miss  D.  Oh  !  these  things  will  happen,  sir.  {Gives  a 
purse.']  There's  my  purse,  sir ;  take  whatever  you  re- 
quire. 

Did.  I'm  robbing  you,  ma'am. 

Miss  D.  Not  at  all — you  know  you'll  soon  return  it. 

Did.  [Aside.']  That's  rather  doubtful.  [To  her."]  I'll  be 
with  you  again,  madam,  in  a  moment.  [Going,  L. 

Miss  D.  "What,  sir !  So,  even  your  postboys  are  to 
be  attended  to  before  me. 

Did.  Ma'am ! 

Miss  D.  But  I  see  through  your  conduct,  sir.  This 
is  a  mere  expedient,  to  avoid  me  again.  This  is  too 
much ! 

Did.  [Aside.']  What  the  devil  shall  I  do  now  ?  Oh  I 
oh,  dear  !  oh  !  lord  ! 

Miss  D.  "What's  the  matter  ? 

Did.  Your  cruelty  has  so  agitated  me — I  faint — a 
little  water — a  little  water  will  recover  me.  [Falls  into 
a  chair.]  Pray,  get  me  a  little  water. 

Miss  D.  Bless  me,  he's  going  into  hysterics  !  Help — 
help — John,  Betty,  a  little  water  immediately. 

[Exit,  K. — Diddler  runs  off,  L. 

Enter  FAINWOULD,  from  L.  D.  F. 

Fain.  Nowhere  to  be  found.  So,  Mr.  Diddler's  gone 
now.  They've  found  me  out  by  my  letter,  and  avoid 


36  RAISING   THE   WIND. 

me  on  purpose.  But  I'll  not  stir  out  of  the  house  till  1 
see  Mr.  Plainway,  I'm  determined ;  so  I'll  sit  myself 
quietly  down.  [Sits  down  in  the  chair  Diddler  has  left.'] 
I'll  make  the  whole  family  treat  me  with  a  little  more 
respect,  I  warrant. 

Enter  Miss  DUE  ABLE,  hastily ',  E.,  with  a  glass  of  water, 
which  she  throws  in  his  face.  She  screams ;  he  rises 
in  a  fury. 

Miss  D.  Here,  my  love — ah ! 

Fain.  (L.)  Damnation,  madam  I  what  d'ye  mean  ? 

Miss  D.  (K.)  Oh,  dear,  sir !  I  took  you  for  another 
gentleman. 

Fain.  Konsense,  madam  !  you  couldn't  mean  to  serve 
any  gentleman  in  this  way.  "Where  is  Mr.  Plaiuway  ? 
I'll  have  satisfaction  for  this  treatment. 

Enter  PLAINWAY,  through  E.  D.  F. 

Plain.  [Comes  down,  c.]  Heydey  !  heydey  I  cousin  ; 
why,  who  is  this  gentleman,  and  what  is  all  this  noise 
about  ? 

Miss  D.  (E.)  I'm  sure,  cousin,  I  don't  know  who  the 
gentleman  is.  All  that  I  can  explain  is,  that  Mr.  Fain- 
would  was  taken  ill  in  that  chair ;  that  I  went  to  get 
some  water  to  recover  him  ;  and  the  moment  after, 
when  I  came  back,  I  found  his  place  occupied  by  that 
gentleman. 

Fain.  (L.)  Madam,  this  is  no  longer  a  time  for  ban- 
tering. You  found  Mr.  Fainwould's  place  occupied  by 
me,  who  am  Mr.  Fainwould  ;  and  you  found  him  suffer- 
ing no  illness  at  all,  though  you  wanted  to  give  him 
one. 


RAISING   THE   WIND.  37 

Plain,  and  Miss  D.  You  Mr.  Fainwould  ! 

Fain.  Yes,  sir  ;  and  you've  found  out  by  this  time,  I 
suppose,  that  I'm  perfectly  acquainted  with  all  your 
kind  intentions  towards  me — that  I  know  of  your  new 
son-in-law,  Sir  Robert  Rental — that  I  am  informed  I  am 
to  make  merriment  for  you — and  that,  if  I'm  refractory, 
your  nephew,  Mr.  Diddler,  is  to  pull  my  nose. 

Plain.  Sir  Robert  Rental,  and  my  nephew,  Mr.  Did- 
dler 1  Why,  Laury,  this  is  some  madman  broke  loose. 
My  dear  sir,  I  haven't  a  nephew  in  the  world,  and  never 
heard  of  such  people  as  Sir  Robert  Rental  or  Mr.  Did- 
dler in  the  whole  course  of  my  life. 

Fain.  This  is  amazing  ! 

Plain.  It  is,  upon  my  soul  1  You  say  your  name  is 
Fain  would  ? 

Fain.  Certainly ! 

Plain.  Then,  nothing  but  the  appearance  of  the  other 
Mr.  Fainwould  can  solve  the  riddle. 

Fain.  The  other  Mr.  Fainwould  ? 

Plain.  Yes,  sir ;  there  is  another  gentleman  so  calling 
himself  now  in  this  house ;  and  he  was  bearer  of  a  let- 
ter of  introduction  from — 

Fain.  My  letter  of  introduction ! — The  rascal  picked 
my  pocket  of  it,  in  this  very  house,  this  morning.  I  see 
through  it  all !  I  dare  say  your  house  is  robbed  by  this 
time. 

Plain.  A  villain  1  Why,  where  is  he,  cousin  ?  Here, 
John — where  are  all  the  servants  ?  [Rings  a  bell. 

Enter  JOHN,  K. 

Plain.  Where  is  Mr.  Fainwould  ? 
John.  What,  the  other,  sir  1 


38  RAISING  THE   WIND. 

Plain.  The  other,  sir  ?  Then  you  knew  this  gentle- 
man's name  was  Fainwould  ;  and  you  never  told  me  he 
was  here  this  morning. 

John.  Yes,  sir  ;  I  did.     I  sent  you  to  him. 

Plain.  You  sent  me  to  the  other  fellow. 

Plain.  No,  sir  ;  I  did  not  let  in  the  other. 

Fain.  I  suppose  he  got  in  at  the  window,  then.  But 
where  is  he  now  ? 

John.  I  am  sure  I  don't  know,  sir ;  but  I  thought  that 
gentleman  was  gone. 

Fain.  "Why  did  you  think  so,  sir  ? 

John.  Because,  sir,  the  chaise  is  gone  that  you  came 
in. 

Plain.  What! 

Fain.  Gone ! 

John.  Yes,  sir.  , 

Plain.  Why,  then,  the  rascal's  run  off  in  it — and  Peg 
— where  is  she  ?  Where  is  my  daughter  ? 

Miss  D.  Gone  with  him,  cousin. 

John.  Here  they  are,  sir.  Exit,  B. 

Enter  DIDDLEE,  PEGGY,  and  SAM. — JDiddler  dancing  and 
singing ',  B. 

Plain.  Sing  away,  my  brave  fellow — I'll  soon  change 
your  note. 

Did.  Thank'ye,  sir  ;  but  it's  changed  already.  Sam, 
pay  my  debts  to  that  young  man,  three-and-fourpence, 
[Pointing  to  Fainwould,']  and  give  him  credit  for  a 
breakfast  on  my  account ! — Ah !  my  dear  old  innocence. 
[To  Miss  Durable .]  There's  your  purse  again  !  When 
I'm  at  leisure,  you  shall  have  your  explanation. 

Miss  D.  Oh,  false  Adonis ! 


RAISING   THE   WIND.  39 

Plain.  And  now,  sir,  what  have  you  to  answer  to — 

Did.  I  plead  guilty  to  it  all.  Idle  habits,  empty 
pockets,  and  the  wrath  of  an  offended  uncle,  made  the 
shabby  dog  you  see  before  you.  But  my  angry  uncle 
has,  on  his  death-bed,  relented.  This  fine,  fat-headed 
fellow  arrested  our  flight  through  the  town,  to  put  into 
my  hand  this  letter,  announcing  the  handsome  bequest 
of  ten  thousand  pounds,  and  enclosing  me  a  hundred 
pound  note  as  earnest  of  his  sincerity. 

Plain.  Um! — I  imagine  you  are  the  Mr.  Mortimer 
she  sometimes  sighs  about. 

Did.  The  same,  sir.  At  Bath,  under  that  name,  and 
under  somewhat  better  appearances,  I  had  the  honor  to 
captivate  her. — Hadn't  I,  Peggy  ? 

Peg.  And  isn't  Mortimer  your  name  ? 

Did.  No,  my  dear ;  my  legitimate  appellation  is  Mr. 
Diddler. 

Peg.  What !  am  I  to  have  a  lover  of  the  name  of 
Diddler  ? 

Sam.  (E.)  I'm  sure  Mrs.  Diddler  is  a  very  pretty 
name. 

Did.  Don't  be  rude,  Sam. 

Plain.  Well,  sir,  your  promises  are  fair,  there's  no 
denying ;  but  whether  it  would  be  fair  to  attend  to 
them,  depends  entirely  upon  that  gentleman.  [To  Fain- 
would. 

Fain.  (L.)  As  for  me,  Mr.  Plainway,  if  your  daugh- 
ter has  taken  a  fancy  for  another,  I  can't  help  it.  Only 
let  her  refuse  me  respectfully,  and  I  am  satisfied. 

Did.  (c.)  You  are  a  very  sensible  fellow,  and  we  have 
all  a  very  high  respect  for  you. 

Fain.  I'm  satisfied. 

Did.  But  I  shall  not  be  satisfied  without  the  hope  that 


40  RAISING   THE  WIND. 

all  such  poor  idle  rogues  as  I  have  been,  may  learn,  by 
my  disgraceful  example — 

Howe'er  to  vice  or  indolence  inclined  ! 
By  honest  industry  to  BAISE  THE  WIND. 

Disposition  of  the  Characters  at  the  Fall  of  the  Curtain. 

SAM.     PLAIN.     PEGGY.     DID.     Miss  DURABLE.     FALN. 
B.]  L.] 


THE   END. 


